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What to Do When You Don't Love Your Husband Anymore
Love is NOT a Feeling?
During the whirl-wind week before my wedding day, as all our family members from out of town were coming in both my husband and I received a ton of advice. Once piece of advice that was told to us over and over again, and quite puzzled us to be honest, was that "You will not always love each other, love is not a feeling".
As our family members saw our puzzled looks, they simply laughed and said we would understand soon. A year later, and we definitely understand!
There have been times over the past year were I have gotten into a funk and really questioned the reason why I married my husband. During these trying moments, I really had to remind myself that love is not a feeling, but rather an action. When I felt as though my husband was unlovable, I had to continue acting as though I loved him and those feelings came back.
So how to you act as though you love someone when you don't really feel it anymore?
1. Refrain from spew out insults, but instead compliment him.
2. Try to see situations from his point of view
3. Understand that as women we are hormonal, and sometimes we just do not like anyone!
4. Set aside some quality time for each other
Refrain From Spewing Insults
Remember that thing your mom used to tell you all the time when you were younger..."Don't say anything if you don't have something nice to say"? Well, that could not be a better piece of advice than when you are feeling on the outs with your husband.
Spewing insults back and forth is not going to get anything accomplished, it never does. This is why you should always keep a journal. Whatever you are feeling at that exact moment you want to tell your husband to leave (in not so kind words), write it down, get it out off your chest, then go back to him and CALMLY talk about things (this is addressed more later in this page).
If he were calling you everything but his wife, you would not be happy either, would you? Think on that.
Try to See Situations from His Point of View
Let's be honest with ourselves here, brutally honest...are you ready?
Answer this: Do I get upset when things don't go the way I want or expected them to?
Try seeing situations more from his perspective. I know right after we got married I caught myself doing less and less of this, is that happening to you too?
If you are having a hard time seeing things the way he is seeing them (we all know men think and rationalize things a lot differently than us), then ask him to explain and calmly press him to expand more so you can understand. Understanding things the way he understands them will help you to see him in a different light.
Understand that we as women are hormonal, and sometimes we just don't like anyone!
I know we as women get defensive when our husbands tell us we are "just being hormonal", but let's be honest here...we are! And sometimes these changes in hormones just cause us to not like anyone...even our spouse! Do you agree? Can you accept this fact? Good.
So now that we have all established the fact that we are all bundles of hormones, sometimes ready to explode at the one dirty fork in sink, we need to understand that sometimes due to these crazy things called hormones, we just simply hate our husbands, flat out.
What can be done about this?
RELAX. Explain to the hubby that you just simply are hormonal right now and need some space. If you need to, tell him something along the lines of "I just hate you right now, my hormones are making me crazy and I need some space." If he is an understanding husband, he will respect this and you can get some alone time with yourself.
Set Aside Some Quality Time for Eachother
I find that most of the time when couples have "fallen out of love" with each other, they simply do not make each other a priority anymore. Just because you have gotten married, does not mean that date nights have to end.
Also, are you even having sex anymore?
I challenge you, for the next 30 days have sex (or some other form of intimate time together) every day and have a date night once a week. These date nights don't have to be going out, they can include staying home and watching a movie together after the kids have gone to bed. Have an open and honest discourse together, heck ask how each other's day was!
Yes, you will be tired and not want to have sex. Yes, other things will come up that will try and steal your time away, but you MUST make each other a priority again.
Do you still hate your husband after a month of sex?
If you guys are not having honest and open mature communication with each other, how are you ever suppose to stay connected?
Now, when I say communicate, remember to go back to the previous sections on not spewing insults and trying to see things from his point of view.
If you find that it is hard to communicate in this way, do not ever be ashamed to go see a counselor together! Maybe have a few individual sessions and a few joint sessions, this is not something that you need to be ashamed of!