ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

What to do If Your Girlfriend Wants to Keep the Relationship Secret

Updated on September 19, 2012

Despite brimming with pride and a desire to share your partner with the world, you are informed she'd rather keep it between the two of you. What's going on?

Moving forward will require confronting insecurity and being honest, not only with your partner, but with yourself. Ultimately, out of love, fear or dependency, it can be all to easy to compromise too much and forget our own emotional needs.

In this article I will put a personal, subjective light on what I feel should be done to ensure that your emotional and mental sanity remain intact in the long-term. What keeping the relationship secret could mean, and what to do when you disagree without driving her away. The first step is to assess what facts we have, and move on from there.


Don't Jump The Gun

Before doing, saying or approaching anything, it is necessary to attempt to emotionally detach ourselves as much as possible from the situation and look at the facts. Consider the following questions:

  • What reason were you given for the secrecy?

Often there are perfectly valid reasons for keeping the relationship a secret. A jealous ex, a particularly conservative family or restrictive social norms. However, due to the fact that you found this article I am going to deduce that you were not given a reason which entirely satisfied your emotional security.

The only way to retain trust is to approach the question head-on with your partner and ask them for transparency and patience. It is imperative not to feel guilty about doing this, even if it is for your own emotional well-being, if you are being asked to accept compromise, then they should also attempt to meet you halfway. Moving on within a cloud of self-doubt will only erode trust in the long-term.

  • What does your gut instinct say?

Often our bodies are able to pick up non-verbal queues that were not communicated orally. If there is a discrepancy between her reassurance and her body language you'll get a bad "gut feeling" about her reasoning. I say this because most people often dismiss these feelings as insecurity when in actual fact there is something amiss, and your mind has picked up on it. The modern field of neuro-linguistics, with reference to it's work with flirting and body language can be particularly enlightening when applied to our own lives.


Typical Reasons Relationships Are Kept Secret

So, beyond security and trust, what are the statistically most common reasons for wanting to keep a relationship secret? Unfortunately, after having done a little research, I can say that the bad reasons seem to slightly outweigh the "good ones" (by good, I mean those which are understandable).

Some positive reasons:

  1. A temporary stage so that she can become accustomed to it.
  2. Legal reasons (or more aptly, financial reasons).
  3. An overly jealous and possessive ex.
  4. Religious and family oriented reasons.

Some of the less pleasant reasons:

  1. She may be embarrassed by being your girlfriend.
  2. She is not being honest about her relationship status, or could be dating others.
  3. Being overly insecure, she may feel that she will be negatively judged and so wishes to break the news slowly rather than shock her friends and family. I am labeling this as a bad thing because it may indicate emotional baggage.
  4. She wants the best of both worlds, the freedom of being single and the joy of being loved.

One Thing To Always Keep In Mind

Whether you are able to compromise or not, always bear in mind that a relationship must be something you are comfortable with. If keeping the relationship secret is something you are willing to accept because you assume it is temporary, then it may be acceptable. But if you are told that that secrecy is a long-term issue, no matter how much you love her, it may be unsustainable -- and you are simply prolonging and amassing a well of pain that will erupt in time.

These insecurities must be flattened out as soon as possible, relying on hope and teeth gritting will only lead to disillusionment and resentment in time as the pillars of any relationship begin to rot away (trust and respect).


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Ingenira profile image


      6 years ago

      Good advice. A relationship should be something you are comfortable with, and something you are happy to be in, not something to keep as a secret.

    • thooghun profile imageAUTHOR

      James D. Preston 

      6 years ago from Rome, Italy

      Thank you Mellonyy!

    • Mellonyy profile image


      6 years ago

      Valuable info found here on this hub. Voted up and shared!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)