When A Transman Loved a Muslim Woman
She appeared like an angel in the night.
It takes me a long time to fall in love, but when I do I fall hard and I give the relationship everything I have. I will write poems, stories, and even sing- albeit badly for those that I love. But the love that I tend to experience doesn’t last forever. It is fleeting, always slipping from my grasp at the moment I want to hang on to it.
I love with all of my being. The love turns sour when the person that I’m attracted to says, “We can’t continue like this.”
I would give them the world.
You see, I’m a transman, I haven’t medically transitioned, and I don’t plan to. I do want chest surgery soon, but that’s all. I accept that my body is woman, but my mind is male. The person I loved was a Muslim woman. If being Muslim didn’t strain our relationship, her being Somali did.
To her family, and culture, being transgender wasn’t only a sin, it was disgusting, gross. And further, she sometimes felt that being with me made her a lesbian. Homosexuality was also a sin. She would go to hell if she continued to be with me. The fact that I disagreed with my birth gender already gave me a free ticket to their “hell”. But I didn’t care.
It got to the point where our relationship became a toxic substance that was eating away at her. We spoke about everything, so we talked of that too. I will call her N out of respect for her. N felt that she could never leave her parents, as her religion and culture meant much to her. I said that they were there before me (we were together for almost a year), and she should stay with them. N and I have talked about breaking up a lot. Being with me conflicted with everything she had ever known.
Recently, she made it clear that she had no plans of living with me in the future as partners. I realize I haven’t painted a very good picture of her so far. She loves me a lot, and this decision hurts her just much as it hurts me. I have no religion and am free to proceed with life based on my own concepts of morality.
Her morality is in the Qur’an. It is absolute, unchanging and true.
Why did she love me at all?
We met online- I told her I was a man, withholding the transgender part. And I know many people hate being catfished like this. They feel like they were played with by a woman. She thought the same for a while, till we talked some more. She said she still loved me knowing that I was transgender.
At that point I didn’t want to risk dating her and getting my heart broken again. My mom decided to see a medium, taking me with her. The woman who was also a psychic said that I knew my soul mate, that I had already met her and our biggest obstacle would be her parents.
I decided, what the hell, I’ll date her and see where it goes.
And many months later, I’m preparing myself to let her go. It’s for her happiness as well as mine. There is no place for me in her religion or culture, I realize it now. I’ve been holding on to her for too long. I will let her go, now, without any grudges. I still love her, I just know she’s not mine, maybe she never was.
I get so tired of this life.
Unless I put in the effort to set my life on the right track, and live a healthy fulfilling life, I will always be tired.
She was worth every second I loved her, she was amazing, beautiful and caring. I wish her nothing but happiness.
And now, she’ll get the chance to be someone else’s angel.
It’s for the best.
Love may hurt, but through loving someone, we learn a lot about ourselves, so hang in there, lovers.