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When A Woman w/Children Divorces

Updated on November 1, 2011

Only If You Must

If you are a woman considering divorce and especially if you have children, I’m here to tell you that divorce will be the most difficult event of your life. If you can avoid it, do so at any cost. So often today I hear the term “no fault“. What does that mean exactly? “It’s your fault. No it’s your fault. Well then it’s no fault.” If you have to use this excuse to get a divorce, then in my opinion, it is not good enough. Here are some good enough reasons:

  • He is a serial killer.
  • He is a pedophile.
  • He beats you.
  • He leaves you for another.
  • He has three other wives

Children Suffer More

The myth that divorce can be better for the children is incorrect. Children suffer more after divorce. Think about it. Not only do they witness and feel the friction between their parents when together, they worry about the missing parent when apart. The family they belonged to disappears and now they don’t know where they belong. Their love is strong for each parent, no matter what you may wish to believe.

If you still feel you have grave cause and wish to get a divorce, here is some advice.

  1. Do not say anything negative about your X in front of your children. Even though he has disappointed you, you did love him once and he will always be a part of your children’s identity. Saying something negative about him is the same as saying it about your children. They must believe they come from good.
  2. Do not communicate with your X through the children. Using your child to hurt or alarm or ask for money or change arrangements is not cool. Speak directly to your X, the sooner the better.
  3. Try to become friends with your X. As difficult as it can be, find common ground and overcome the bad feelings for your children’s sake. You have to see the children through many important lifetime events together and eventually share grandchildren.
  4. Try to be friendly to your X’s new wife or girlfriend. The more people that can bring love into your children's lives, the better for them. Let them be able to accept the love that will come.

You probably know instinctively when your child needs some extra TLC and reassurance so be mindful of them and put your own feelings aside through the crises. A friend once told me “Be strong like a man.” to which I replied “No, I’ll be strong like a woman”.

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    • profile image

      marellen 5 years ago

      I can add another reason to your list. If he leaves you for another women. I didn't have a choice.

    • Frannie Dee profile image
      Author

      Frannie Dee 5 years ago from Chicago Northwest Suburb

      Good idea...hadn't thought of that marellen. Will do.

    • susan54 profile image

      susan54 5 years ago

      My daughter Just went through a divorce and she has 2 kids. I told her to just move forward.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Anyone who claims that divorce presents no lasting harm to the children, didn't bother to ask the children.

      After the feminist drive to get 'Suzie Homemaker" into the work force, the divorce rate soared, which should not have been a surprise to thinking people. Put men and women together for 8 hours a day, and sexual relationships invariably develop, often resulting in broken marriages and divorce. Most people who cheat met their partner through work.

      I read a surprising article a few years ago, which revealed that most women would actually prefer to stay home and raise their children, but are unable to make it on their husband's salary alone.

      I submit that if all those women who want to leave actually went home and stuck it out, there would be a sudden shortage of employees, and wages would soar, eventually resulting in much higher paychecks for their husbands. It would take time, but it would happen. Even the workforce is a matter of supply and demand.

      The result would be far fewer affairs and a far lower divorce rate.

      Good Hub, Frannie!

    • CMerritt profile image

      Chris Merritt 5 years ago from Pendleton, Indiana

      Very good hub and advice Frannie...

      I think too many do not take those marriage vows to heart....if and when things get too tough, they just cash in and throw in the towel, despite what effects it may/will have on a child.

      Up and awesome...

    • profile image

      marellen 5 years ago

      Hi Will, that is what happened to me. A workplace romance and I was tossed aside. My kids still have scars and will probably always carry them around. What you say is true about putting the sexes together but if a mate has any morals or love for his/her family, hopefully, temptation doesn't win.

    • susan54 profile image

      susan54 5 years ago

      I told my daughter to come live with meand my husband so the kids would feel better.

    • Frannie Dee profile image
      Author

      Frannie Dee 5 years ago from Chicago Northwest Suburb

      susan54, Will Starr,CMerritt and marellen, thanks for your insightful comments. Hopefully we will help someone out there through a rough time.

    • Eloise Hope profile image

      Eloise Hope 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon, USA

      I really value this advice - thinking of things from the point of view of the kids is powerful. If they are happy, you'll be much happier, in or out of marriage.

    • Frannie Dee profile image
      Author

      Frannie Dee 5 years ago from Chicago Northwest Suburb

      Thanks Eloise Hope, your comment is so true.

    • profile image

      lrose 5 years ago

      Great comments! My parents were able to be kind to each other after divorcing and I was able to have my graduations, birthdays, wedding, & now functions for our children with both of them present.

    • Frannie Dee profile image
      Author

      Frannie Dee 5 years ago from Chicago Northwest Suburb

      That is wonderful lrose and I'm sure they are both proud of you.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

      Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

      Hi Franny Dee! You have provided some excellent advice here. And the comments are great. Thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      Gabriela 2 years ago

      I want to commend you on your great roucsree for parents and kids going through divorce. Divorce is a very difficult process to go through for everyone involved. As your website points out, helping children through a divorce is the most important aspect. Your kids will need help to get through this stage and onto the rest of their lives. Thanks for your great roucsree.

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