When All Signs Point to Crazy Girlfriend, RUN! - Relationship Advice
I read a couple of your answers, although this one is sort of different....I've been dating my girlfriend for just about 7 months. We don't live together, and she is not independent at all where she lives by herself. She actually lives with her family in some apartments, and they are from Mexico. So the problem here is that my girlfriend has brought up the subject about getting married because she says that her mom might send her back to Mexico so she can finish studies, and stuff (since shes not trying to excel or do anything while being here in the US) (by the way Im 23 yrs old and shes 20) so I asked her that what did she want to do if she was asked to go back to Mexico and leave. She answered she wanted to be with me and then started to push the subject about getting marri ed. My answer was that since we really like and love each other she had the option to move in with me and then we would see what would happen and if things actually worked out being together (which im pretty sure they would) but then she answered: "Oh that's exactly what my mom said that if something like this happened you would just want your liberty by not getting married and blah blah.....and then she started bringing up things like: "What???? are you not sure you want to be with me or why is it that you want to try our relationship with me?" "Because I know that I want to be with you but apparently your not sure" she said.........so obviously I explained it wasn't like that at all.....actually I would be taking a big step having her just with me, since we go out a lot and take her to diff places all the time....and I pay for every single thing, even would get her stuff very often + all my bills (mortgage, cars utilities etc) and I don't even make that much at the moment.....I have all that I want...nice car, nice house but only calculating my costs with what im doing right now......She doesn't work at all, and gets upset when I bring the subject about her not working or even studying. She tells me that I probably want more time without her and stuff, because I want to keep her busy doing other stuff so I can go out with friends or I don't know.......This past 7 months I've completely dedicated everyday to her, and since shes not working or doing anything she is juts waiting for me to get out of work or have my day off to do something with me....I just to go to the gym everyday, play golf, racquetball, go out every now and then.....(got tired of clubing or bars a while back so its not like I go out that much anymore) and I can see that as her being manipulative about that although I dont mind being with her all day....I actually enjoy every second of it......but to be honest I am definitely not sure I want to get married at all right now.....I feel like im wa y to young and want to do many other things before taking this huge step....she said that she would feel disrespected if she would be moving in with me without being married, because her mom told her I would be disrespecting her and her family....I said that I only offered that because she was being told to go to Mexico, and if she really wanted to be with me then the best option was to move in with me and try it.......she then said that she didn't want to sound like she wanted to force me to get married, but if that was her option she would prefer to leave and when I was ready we could be talking and then come back....but to me that sounds like bye bye......(don't want to loose her at all but if that's the case and she leaves I might just move on) I really do love her and it has been my only serious serious relationship that ive ever had.....and had many but none were like this one. I have shown her that I love her, and that im completely with her but she feels that being together a nd not being married like im going to be doing other stuff or afraid i might all of a sudden dump her.....but even if that was the case and i got married....same thing would happen....so I don't know what to do....although I know for sure im not going to go her and her mothers way!....so im def not getting married soon.
Your girlfriend is crazy. Run.
You should not get married unless you're 100% sure, and in love, and she's a strong partner. You should not be considering marriage because Crazy Girlfriend is pushing and conniving you into it.
She's 20 years old, and she says things like that If you don't know in only 7 months if you want to spend the rest of your life with her and marry her - spend the next 60 or 70 YEARS with her that there's something wrong with you? There is truly something mentally unstable about this little girl. I think it's beyond just being immature and fearful of what her life will be like. I really think it's looney.
I'm very glad you said if she goes back to her country you'll probably move on. That's a life rope and I hope you grab hold of it.
The best thing that could happen to her is if her mother sends her home so she can finish her studies. She isn't a woman, and she isn't a person. Clinging to you, completely dependent on you for financial support, expecting you to rescue her and give her a life, all adds up to a very sad and pathetic individual. She isn't a person yet, so she can not possibly be a partner. And she proves that to you all the time. Telling you your feelings don't matter. Telling you how you should feel. Bullying you if you express a normal thought, like not knowing yet how you want to spend the rest of your life. Getting mad if you try to discuss real-life facts like money. No, my friend, this is not a partner.
Another window into her craziness flies open when you share her argument for not getting a job, is that you probably want to keep her busy so you can go off and go out with your friends. Do you even hear how psychotic that sounds? First of all, there is nothing wrong with your wanting to go out with your friends. Her making that the punchline of her argument as if it were your problem is reflective of her being completely unable to grasp reality. I hard to believe even the craziest of girlfriends has no clue that here in the real world we work and we earn money so we can pay bills and not live like leeches or parasites off of others. But even if I gave her "crazy" instead of "conniving" on that one, the conspiracy theory of it all is purely delusional and paranoid.
This is someone that has a great deal of serious growing up to do. She's either so ridiculously spoiled that she has no clue that she's supposed to be a person, or she really is some kinda crazy-ass and needs some serious reality check therapy. She needs to learn she doesn't know shit. She needs to learn she can't stamp her feet like a 4 year old and demand that you figure out if you want to marry her now, after only 7 months, and at your tender young age. She needs to learn that her being completely irrational and unreasonable makes her seem selfish and nuts. There is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, that would attract any decent man to a nutbag like that.
Her mother thinks you'd be disrespecting her daughter and her family, if you don't marry her 20 year old child of a daughter? Living with her is an incredibly generous offer from you. Her mother is just as psycho as she is if she doesn't see what a great opportunity that was. If what you say is true about this, then the crazy nut doesn't fall from the tree, does it. Take that living together offer off the table. Now. Do I really need to list all the things that are creepy and deranged about this? She runs to mommy to make her life decisions, like child, not a woman. She cares more about what her mommy thinks then what her boyfriend thinks, like a spoiled child, not a partner. Can you even begin to imagine the hell that will bring to your life, forever, as long as this girl is in it? The running to mommy every time you want to make a life choice, like moving, or buying and selling a home, or taking a job or having a child. What a nightmare.
When you think way up the road to the a time when you might be ready for marriage, don't you imagine a partnership, with a whole person, whom you love and respect, who loves and respects you in return? Don't you imagine making life choices together with her? I mean, do you really imagine being told and bullied and having your feelings disregarded, and her running home to mommy who's voice matters more than yours, in your home? Come on.
Alec, I gotta tell ya. This girl sounds so off-the-charts crazy, that I can't for the life of me figure out why you'd even entertain the idea of doing anything but running as far and fast as you can away from her.
If things with this girl really are as you've presented them, this is a no-brainer for anyone.
Yet, you don't sound "no-brained." You make reference to a house and a mortgage, to a nice life that you can afford when someone isn't using you. You even sound compassionate, and almost saint-like in your ability to love and feel concerned. But why?
Is this version very slanted? Are you leaving things out?
In any case, if the basic framework you've shown here is real, then you need to move on.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want to listen to you? Not about real-life facts like money, not about your feelings and thoughts, not about anything? Why would you want to have a girlfriend that isn't doing anything to grow herself and become a dynamic independent individual? I know you are saying that marriage isn't where you're leaning, but you sound like you're trying to figure out how to live with her and keep her in your life. Why would you ever think about living with someone who proves they aren't a partner? I mean, what am I missing here?
And don't tell me you love her. I love polar bears. That doesn't mean I want to live with one. You're young, and new, and fresh. You will love many people. And eventually, one of them will be the right one. Eventually, hopefully, one special incredible woman will the One that you just can't even imagine living without.
Alec, when you are older, and you've dated different kinds of women, you will understand better what it's like to find the right person and what it takes from both sides to make a partnership work. The building blocks are fundamental. You both have to be individuals, and then you both have to be partners.
For example, you may decide together that you would like to have children and you may agree that what's best for your growing family is for your partner to stay home with the children while you go to work. That would be the result of two partners having civil factual conversations about what they both feel, and think, and want they both can agree to, and what they both want out of life. That would be the result of working as a team and creating a life together, based on agreements and compromises that show respect for each of you as people and partners working towards your goals.
You can't spend time growing yourself as a strong individual, meeting new people, spending time with friends and experiencing the wonder and beauty of different women as you move through your twenties if you let this "girlfriend" move in with you. Grab a hold of that lifeline you threw yourself, and go.