- Gender and Relationships
When He Says You're Not His Miss Right, You're His Miss Right Now
Nstr's email question -
I stumbled unto your hubpage on why boyfriends don't want to get married, etc. When I asked him where our relationship was headed, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he didn't want to get married yet. I am not pushy but I told him that coming from a traditional background, I needed to know before moving with him to another country as he had found a job in Asia. Despite this, I quit my job and followed him. I fortunately found a job a month after arriving in Asia, and settled in. I stayed with him for 7 months while I tried to find a place of my own. He did not want me to, but I did anyway. I explained that if my parents were to visit, they would be incredibly upset if we were living together without getting married first.
Even though I had moved, I was still spending most of my time at his place, until the worst happened! We were getting back from a lovely weekend away, when I mentioned to him that since he is coming to see my parents for the first time for Christmas, he may as well ask his dad to visit since he would be in the same vicinity. At that, he said: "but that would be like a proposal!!" And of course, I said: "WHAT!" Being from a traditional background, he knows that, that is what going to see my parents means. Whether it is him or his dad. I was really disappointed when he said that. I firmly told him that if he goes, that is what it would mean too. And I told him that if that was not or never going to be his intention, then he should not visit, since my parents would expect that. He told me that he would not visit. I was floored. He told me he did not believe in marriage. So I told him that I did, and since we don't want the same things, we should go our separate ways.
So, I have moved every trace of myself from his apartment. He has told me he is miserable, and bla, bla, bla, and he loves me, but is not ready, and he is too young, and he wants to wait until he is 35, and he thinks I am the one, and ..., basically all the excuses in the book. I was floored because they were all the excuses in the book. I told him this was not an ultimatum, and he did not need to make any excuses to convince me because I was already convinced, and I have already made my decision. I told him I know exactly what I want, and I will get it when I find someone who wants the same things. I also told him, he knows what he wants, and I wish him well with finding what he is looking for. He told me he doesn't know what he wants. He loves me, but doesn't want to lose his freedom. Somewhere along the conversation, he mentioned a prenup...
He called me tonight. He was in a bar, and told me he was trying to be social now that I have left him. I think this means, trying to meet other girls. He asked what I would be up to during the weekend. I am pretty busy, but I said I will meet him for breakfast. Is meeting him a mistake? Should I just close the door on him completely, or should I continue to remain friendly but firm?
Please help. I think you are amazing and wonderful and wise.
Basically what this boils down to, is he’s saying you’re not Miss Right, you’re Miss Right Now.
Look, there is nothing at all wrong with being open to a relationship, seeing where it goes, exploring your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the company of someone you don’t think is going to be “The One.” But there is everything wrong with those time passers and settlements when it isn’t mutual.
He’s not an ass for not wanting to marry you. He’s not an ass for feeling lonely and wanting to be with you instead of being by himself. He is an ass because he knows you want something completely different than what he wants, and he is trying to make you surrender your needs, he’s disregarding your feelings, and selfishly wanting you to placate his “misery” until the one he actually wants to marry comes along.
You made normal growing mistakes along the way. The biggest one was moving to another country just because he did, even though he had no intentions of marrying you while you were clear that was what you wanted. You taught him with that move that your desires don’t matter. You demonstrated that he doesn't have to take into consideration your needs, or your plans. If they don’t matter to you, then why should they to him.
But it sounds like you finally kicked it into gear and got your head around exactly what was happening instead of what you wanted it to be. He was painfully clear all along that he did not want to marry you. It sank in with you, finally, with his refusal to meet your parents and his under that veil. Good for you!
Men don’t interpret their feelings the way we do. He’s saying things like he doesn’t want to lose his freedom, and he doesn’t believe in marriage. He’s trying to explain his feelings of not wanting to marry you in a way that agrees with his logical mind. His logical mind knows you’re a great girlfriend.
But the heart wants what it wants. And his doesn’t want you.
So since his logical mind doesn’t incorporate his heart strings into his interpretation, he says these ridiculous things that somehow sound logical to him. He’s thinking, well it can’t be her, so it must be me. I must not want to get married. I must not believe in marriage.
You know deep down that’s horseshit. I’m sure you’ve been courted or favored by a guy at some point in your life that you didn’t feel romantically toward. Your logical mind may have said, hey this is a good guy. But you were able to read your own heart and just admit that he wasn’t the one for you.
Your bf’s inability to incorporate his heart’s desires with his logical thinking is further compounded by his incredibly self-centered nature. Instead of realizing you aren’t happy, you want something he doesn’t, you are in pain in this relationship – he’s just concentrating on how to manipulate you further into forgetting all your needs. Calling you from a bar, insinuating he’s trying to pick up girls because you won’t sacrifice all of your self respect is beyond comprehension.
The mention of a pre-nup at this point in your break up is the most pathetic dog bone throw I can think of. It was the least common denominator of matrimony speak.
You’re doing great here. Yes you made mistakes, but when you saw them, you learned from them and corrected the situation. You demonstrated your strength. You showed your self a respect that others will look up to. You were brilliant to tell him that he knows what he wants and you wish him well.
Namaste. Leave it at that, my friend.
Nstr, stop trying to make other people happy. Don’t move to a new country because someone (who makes no future promises) is. Don’t live or not live with someone because your parents would approve or disapprove. And do not have breakfast with people that prove they have no care for your feelings and needs. It’s a step backward if you meet with him.
You are not going to attract someone that will treat you better than a doormat until you start demonstrating how you want to be treated, by treating yourself with respect, dignity and propriety.
Close the door on this chapter of your life. If you are happy with the life you are making for yourself in Asia, then continue to do so on your own. If you aren’t, then leave. Be your own person, and be free of this immature self involved guy. You can do better.
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