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When You Are Not Handsome

Updated on November 28, 2009

When You Do Not Like Mirrors

There you have it. You look in the mirror and you’re not George Clooney. You’re not even George Clooney’s ass. You look worse. It’s not because it’s your morning face. You are just not a handsome man. You’re not even average. You’re below average and you know it. What do you do? Do you sign off love and sex for the rest of your life, and consign yourself to a lifetime of masturbation and ‘girl-friends’. Oh yeah, they all think you’re sweet and charming and all that other wonderful stuff, but realize that they all think that you’ll make some OTHER woman a good mate.

You’ve had sex thrown at you, especially when one of your lady friends was hormonal and needed an orgasm to get her through the night. You just happened to be the penis within reach. In the morning it’s, “don’t tell anyone”, don’t speak of it as happening, don’t think that it will ever happen again. This whole event has been a figment of your imagination as far as she is concerned, something to be quickly forgotten and put behind her. Oh gee, that’s swell, and I thought I had something going here.

No, you didn’t, and do you want to know why? Because you are Not Handsome. There is nothing really about you that is appealing to the opposite sex. Should you commit suicide? Should you become a monk? Should you become a circus oddity? Well, do what you please. I know what I’m going to do. Stick with it. Somewhere, someone out there will think that I’m a hunk. Somewhere someone out there believes they have been looking for a man with decent qualities, of which I am abundant in, and that is not handsome, but not downright ugly. Shit ugly people could use some love too.

Yes, someone out there thinks that I’m worth it, and I do well to wait for her.

I’m not one to give up, on anything. I’m quick to hold onto difficult concepts, like how handsome does a man really have to be? I’ve seen some crappy looking guys holding onto model-types. So much so, that I have to blink and go up to the woman and ask her, what does she sees in him? It’s always some dumb reason, such as she’s in love. How can you be in love with him when he’s probably an idiot and mistreats you? In fact, he acts as if he’s tired of her, and is the first one to go cruising women as if he’s still single. He’s feeling his oats, and he’s nowhere near as handsome as I am.

Yet, he has her, and I have my right hand. Like my mother used to say, “He probably has a hook at the end of it.” Meaning that the sex is good. I have to work on my sex skills if I’m going to win in that department. How easy is it when the women that you have sex with would rather have sex with you doggie style just to keep from having you stare down at them in the throes of sexual ecstasy, with that ugly mug of yours. Yeah, that’s right, you’re thinking that you’re hitting her just right because she wants to turn around and put her back to you. In reality though, it’s because she can dream that you are George Clooney while you’re banging away on her.

Feel bad yet? Well, the thing that separates this guy from you is not his looks. I realized over the years that it’s not looks in the male department. Women like a beautiful package, but what they are really drawn to is CONFIDENCE. This ugly guy with his model-type ‘feels’ that he deserves her. He knows that he’s the right one for her and if he’s not, he’s prepared to move on. He has confidence in his abilities; he’s a real man when it comes to his estimation of himself. There is very little doubt in his demeanor.

If you doubt, you’ll fail to get. Simple as that. No matter how you look, act as if SHE IS ALREADY YOURS. She has no choice. You are irresistible anyway, forget what the mirror says. Moreover, if you can pull it off, you’ll be pulling off her pants or skirt as the night progresses. If you can pull what off? If you are smart, sly, confident, you will be attributed sexiness and handsomeness. That’s the good thing about being a male. Beauty is only skin-deep (honestly, it’s the same with women too. Even a beautiful woman, with a poor personality, repels). Women are in search for a little more than a nice package consciously or not.

What are the virtues you have to cultivate to catch a woman’s eye? First, you need a love for her and what she does, meaning, show some interest. It’s not all about you. She would like to have an evening discussing herself and her views, not listen to you and yours. Now you can go two ways. If she is a hottie, and you can’t see yourself banging away on her, but wish you could, then by all means, listen to all of her shit, whether you care or not. If this draws her tonight and many subsequent nights into your bed, then by all means, it’s worth it. Listen and play on. That’s what it means to be a playa.

If you are like me though, and you aren’t a playa, then if she gets boring or stupid, no matter how hot she looks, walk away, because you will have to deal with this stilted thinking long after you’ve laid her. There is nothing worse than after thinking with the ‘little head’ all night, coming to the cold realization, with the ‘big head’, that she is a dummy, ditz, stupid, or just plain insane.

Another thing that a woman likes is a sense of humor. Get her to laugh. You’ll find that women are ready and want to laugh. They are nervous at the interaction much of the time, or sometimes resentful of your attention, especially if there are handsomer men in the place that aren’t showing them any attention. One thing that takes their mind off this fact and off their own nervousness is a good laugh. Suddenly they’ll see you in a different light. Which means comedians must be laying more pipe than OPEC. If you’re more humorous than handsome, by all means use it. Now don’t’ think that humor alone is going to get you anywhere. It won’t, but it is a good addition to the above strategy.

Touch her. This is a good barometer as if she has any interest in you after listening to her, and/or making her laugh. It also establishes that you do want to have a closer relationship with her. Don’t do as they do, which is arbitrarily reach out and touch their hand or forearm or even thigh. They’ll see this as a ‘land grab’. Make it a natural extension of the evening. Stand up and go to the bar, oh! And, nonchalantly place a hand on her shoulder…would you like a drink too? Knock something off the table near her. Reach down after she does and touch her, not the object. Does she flinch, does she cringe. If she does any of these two things, or shout out, or just plain wails, you are not doing well. Keep listening, and making her laugh.

Closing the deal: realize that your getting laid tonight, or any night depends on two things, your confidence and her mood. You have to move steadily and assuredly, and failure is not an option. If you do fail, it’s no big deal, there are other women and other opportunities with the same one. You’re not handsome, so what the Hell? You can leave the night open and go home to your hand, or you can put your foot down and make a move. She’ll either recoil, be surprised, or go for it. Realize that two of the three options are in your favor. You’re REALLY bold if you invite her over to your house. You can do this if: 1) she thoroughly enjoyed your conversation and hates to end it, 2) laughed heartily and touched you several times during your interaction, and 3) did not recoil when you touched her. Your chances are good that you can invite her over to your house for a nightcap. She’s not stupid, she knows that this probably means sex tonight, and if she’s in the mood for such an event, she’ll have no problem in saying absolutely.

Sometimes the signals may be weaker, and she may or may not be in the mood. Surprise her then and offer to go with her home. You hate to end the night right now, let’s make it stretch to her door. She might move on this simply because she is in control if you’re going to her home. She could just want to continue the conversation, and the deal might not be made yet. She’s somewhat interested, but needs more of an incentive. Go with her home and when she stops at her door, ask her for a nightcap. She can only say no. Remember. Don’t be iffy about your moves. You’re not handsome, and you got this far. Put the pedal to the metal. Ask for that nightcap. Don’t ‘please, come on’ her, tell her what you want. A nightcap before you go. If she’s iffy, she’ll switch to autopilot and let you take control of the evening. If you’re not sure about being behind the wheel, she’ll never give you that chance.

Get in her apartment, walk around, praise her taste in this and that, tell her how attractive she is, sit down and let her talk again. Now it’s time for the land grab. The first move is the touch, reach out now and touch her hand, her arm, lean in go for the kiss, MAKE THOSE MOVES. Don’t hesitate, don’t wait. The longer you wait, the longer she can think about the evening and how it’ll end. She has work in the morning, she has her mother to deal with tomorrow, she has to put curlers in her hair, any number of useless things will start bouncing around in her head if you take forever to make your move. Be quick about it. She can only turn her head. Remember, you are not handsome and you got this far. This is a bleeding milestone!

From this point the answer should be obvious. In the morning, when the alcohol has bled out of her system, or even that night, when she tells you to put on your clothes and get out, you’ll know you struck pay dirt. You got laid, which is what you wanted. You’re not handsome so don’t expect cooked breakfast in the morning, if you make it that far. She might not let you stay the night. So what? You got laid! You made your moves and you made it to the holy land. Tomorrow don’t be surprised if she walks past you as if she doesn’t know you. Don’t be hurt if she doesn’t talk to you longer than to say hi. That’s alright, she’s another notch on your belt no matter how bad she treats you. Remember, she’s on a quest for the Handsome Thug, someone that will make her feel bad, injure her self esteem, cheat on her. You, on the other hand, would probably be a great boyfriend for her, and if you hit her off well enough, who knows. She just might stick around for longer than you expect. Maybe she isn’t so shallow after all.

Remember, you aren’t handsome, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be lonely.

Skip the hand tonight and being miserable about your looks. Get out the house.

You deserve love too.


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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      When you aren't handsome use and let your witty words do the talking!

    • profile image

      7 years ago

      Yep you're not handsome so go and daterape someone! That's great, another notch on your belt. Do the incredibly sleazy author realise that alcohol can make girl not respond quickly enough when you hurry up with THOSE MOVES?

      You are not only ugly outside, you are ugly inside.


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