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When communicating about how you feel doesn't work

Updated on April 2, 2017

Graphic by G. T. Randolph

Standing up for yourself against any sort of abuse or being shamed will trigger protest in the potential opponent. It takes awareness to be able to respond in kind words, such as: "I am sorry my words made you feel this way." It is far more likely that the person will continue this line of argument: "That's weak, just be strong! What? You cannot take criticism? That is not even ciriticism; that is a fact. You are too vulnerable."

There is no single response that will work in all cases. However here are just a few guidelines that may assist you in such situations.

1. First, as stated above, it is useless to expect a person who is programmed from childhood to have a sudden change of opinion to coincide with yours. If you've learnt recently that some comments are indeed detrimental and that there is nothing actually wrong with you, others in your environment might think differently.

2. Know this: the one who is judging you is probably reacting the same way to his / her own "weaknesses" .

3. Do you really want to argue with an insane mind?

4. What you're going to do next depends strongly on your opponent's state of self-awareness. In an extreme situation, when your voice is not being heard, you will probably have to let it go.

When there is an opportunity to converse, you can use typical conciliatory sentences drawn from a course in assertiveness, such as: "I have the right to feel the way I do; you have a right to not acknowledge my feelings. You will do what you want, but at least you know now how I feel in your presence." At this point there will be some sort of reaction from the other side. If not, then there is probably nothing you can do, but let it go, as well as to give time to the other party to rethink.

5. Being consequent. It is not the end. If a challenging communication is between members of family, close friends, you will have another encounter. You follow the above steps as mentioned, and see where this person is now in thought and frame of mind. You may need to repeat your assertion a few times, as all humans respond well to conditioning. If one behavior is rewarded, it will be repeated. If someone can get away with hurting you and keep doing that for years, it is too easy to predict what will happened next. This is why it is far easier to learn a new behavior than unlearn bad, deeply rooted habits.

I hope this is helpful. I will welcome a feedback from you!

Graphic by G. T. Randolph


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    • Joanna Pilatowicz profile image

      Joanna Pilatowicz 12 months ago from Germany

      Thank you Dashingscorpio for this brilliant info! So well said! I love it!

      "Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!" LOL

      Indeed "accept or move on" are probably the only ways, yet most people have exactly challenge with that.

      While there is attraction there is also lack of compatibility on other levels.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 12 months ago

      " First, as stated above, it is useless to expect a person who is programmed from childhood to have a sudden change of opinion to coincide with yours." - Very true!

      This is why it's important to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another. Compatibility trumps compromise.

      Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!

      Generally speaking very few people are walking around with one hand raised in the air screaming:

      "I'm looking for someone to change me!"

      There is no amount of "work" or "communication" that can overcome being with someone who simply Does Not want what you want.

      Too often people believe communication is an "ask and it shall be given" proposition. They assume communication leads to action.

      The reality is communication is nothing more than one person expressing an idea/thought and another person acknowledging they heard and understood what was said.

      One has to directly ask for what they want.

      Afterwards comes the hard part if you don't get it.

      You must determine: "Is it a (deal breaker) or not?"

      If someone doesn't give you what you've asked for it usually comes down to two potential reasons.

      1. They don't have it to give. (Essentially it's not who they are.)

      2. They don't believe (you) are worth the effort to give it to.

      Lets face it a person "in love" wants their mate to be (happy).

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      The goal is not to find someone who will "change" for us but rather to find someone who (already is) what we want.

      Thankfully there are over (7 Billion) people on this planet!

      One man's opinion! :)