- Gender and Relationships»
Making The Honeymoon Last
The Honeymoon Period
Female or male...you remember the time. The honeymoon period. That wondeful time between the time you first realize you have fallen for her/him, you get married and the first few months or year is heaven. She/he can do nothing wrong, everything about them is perfect. This is what I call living in LaLa land. The time period varies and you are blinded by this perfect creature who has made you feel so complete.
If you are female this is the period when you get up early to do your makeup so he doesn't see you without it, if you are the male, you bring her flowers, cards, or little gifts. The sexy lingire, the candlelight dinners, the hours spent cuddled up together talking about your dreams. You call each other 20 times a day...feel like you can't breathe when you are apart. You send texts, wonder what their doing, can't wait to see them or hold them again. Seconds seem like eternity. This is the one. The one you can't live without, the one you've been waiting for. The one you want to spend your life with.
In this period we are blinded by love. Our perfect other can do no wrong, they have no faults, they are and our lives are perfect. We do not see the other person as another human being, but as this idol we have created in our minds. They fulfill our longtime dreams, fantasies and desires of the prince on the white horse who rescues us or the damsel in distress we can rescue. We feel needed, wanted, and special. This special other fills the void left by childhood or other broken relationships. It makes us important and our life not so mundane.
We are always on our best behavior, best dressed, and take care of how we speak. We tend to keep our opinons and choices to ourselves, especially if they are different. Many times we dress in the manner we know our loved one perfers and are careful not to offend their little hearts. Many times we pretend to like things we really have no interst in, sports, music, food or anything else he/she likes. And the sex.. oh my God, at least once a day ..sometimes three or five times a day. No interruptions, no worrying, just pure ecstacy. We don't want to do anything to make waves or upset our happy little world. We up play the good about us and down play the bad, it's almost like living two lives.
This is the honeymoon period. The only problem is it's a fairytale and one sad day we have to wake up.
Then Comes Reality
The months, or years pass in bliss, a couple of kids, the house with the picket fence and a dog in the yard. All of our fairytale came true.....then one day...BOOM!!
All of the sudden the very things that attracted us to him/her are now the things that annoy the living daylights out of us. His clothes are all over the house, he snores or worse yet stays up all night watching tv. She goes to bed with rollers in her hair and a raggedy t-shirt, rolls over and out like a light. Sex??? Don't even know what that is anymore. The bills are due, some past due. There is only one income now, she stays home to take care of the kids. He works all day and sometimes overtime to make ends meet. Dinner is often tv dinners, she complains of having too much too do with the laundry, the kids, and the household chores.
Wait a minute this part wasn't in the fairytale. What happened to the candlelight, the sexy lingrie, the late night talks. It's called life, reality, wake up and smell the coffee. He/she has gained a few pounds, makeup...why bother? You try to talk to share your day..SHHH wait till the commercial. He wants to hang out with the guys...she can't go out with the girls because of the kids. Tempers are short and flare easily. Sweet talk has turned to arguments. What happened to being on our best behavior? The phone rings again, he/she asks what are you doing? What do they think?? Working...doing chores..etc. The endearing texts and calls have now become an annoyance. The flowers and cards stopped along time ago, you are lucky if he/she remembers your anniversary or birthday. He is resentful of working all the time, she is resentful of the career lost and being home alone all the time.
At this point communication has broken down and we may often begin to wonder what we ever saw in this person sharing our life. Where is the prince charming/Damsel in distress? Why can't they seem to get anything right? Why don't they listen? They used to cling to every word. Now instead of every second seeming like an hour, every hour seems like an eternity. She hope he works late, he hopes she's in bed already. Forget smoothing things over... he/she will find fault with everything anyway. He/she don't share their dreams anymore...at this point they have forgotten them along with the good times they shared in the begininng.
At this stage the golden, do no wrong Idol we created has become tarnished. He/she is a real human being now. He/she has faults, cracks, makes mistakes and somehow doesn't seem to notice the change. To them they are just being theirselves, the person they have always been...well not exactly. In the honeymoon stage we tend to be the person the other wants and desires, so when reality hits and our real selves emerge, perhaps a little at a tile without us even noticing it, the other person is floored. He/she may not even notice that the exact same thing has happened to them too. It is a shock to both.
Now instead of feeling needed, special and fulfilled, we feel used, abandoned and are unable to imagine spending the rest of our life with this person. We feel defrauded, betrayed and let down. At this point we realize that the honeymoon is over.
The Dangers of Reality Vs. Honeymoon Stage
The transition from the honeymoon stage to the reality stage can be a dangerous time for the couple. The fact that the person they percieved as perfect is just another human being like themselves. This can be devastating to some.
As the perfect person they had constructed becomes more human with flaws and faults, the other may wonder if they were wrong and begin to look for that perfect person and that giddy, new love feeling that they experienced when love was new. Most do not realize that the only way to maintain the excitement and high of new love would be to change partners every 3 or so months. If the lines of communication can not be reopened and the couple work through their differences, the results can be devastating.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make in this period is to have an affair. Even though you may be able to hide it from others, your partner will usually have the natural instinct to sense when something has changed. The loss of trust, the emotional damage, and the pain will always linger even if you are able to survive the affair. You should also realize that the excitement and passion you feel with someone new is the same passion you felt with your partner in the beginning and in time will also cool off.
Another mistake is the withholding of sex and affection to express your anger or dissatisfaction. remember the age old adage "never go to bed angry" and "never leave in the morning without saying I love you" , you may never get the chance again. The withholding of affection may also alienate your partner, thus leading them to look for someone more sympathtic. ie: an affair.
The yelling and screaming at each other to get your point across does not work. If both are screaming, no one gets heard, nothing gets resolved. The higher the decibels the further away the person will retreat. No one likes a person hostile and out of control to get into their personal space. Threats are also not likely to work.
Bring Back The Honeymoon
There are several things you can do to re-kindle the romance, passion and intimacy in the relationship you have now. Try these things and you maybe surprised at the results.
1. Realize that the person you are with is a human being the same as you. They will make mistakes, have flaws and sometimes seem unavailable or distant. This can be due to stress, in the relationship or on the job or personally.
2. Keep the lines of communication open. Find a time when you are both relaxed and the enviorment is quite and suggest you would like to talk about things that are important to you. Do not scream, accuse, or insult. Do be open and honest about your feelings. Do not nit-pick, talk about things that are truly important to the relationship. Do Not turn this into a bashing session about everything he does wrong.
3. Be willing to listen as welling to listen as well as talk. It should be a two-way conversation. In the case of a deadlock...be willing to compromise.
4. Do not threaten leaving or any other threats unless you are serious. This is playing with the emotions of your partner and is a game that is for adolecents. ( In the case of physical or mental abuse it is in your best interest to move on or go into counseling if you wish to preserve the relationship.)
5. Do not give your partner the silent treatment or withhold sex and affection as a means of punishment.
6. Do not look in other places for what you already have at home. REMEMBER: The passion and excitement you feel with someone in an affair is the same feelings you once had for your current partner in the beginning. Realize that with time the feelings of excitement and newness are replaced by a feeling of security and a deeper love. This is the knowledge that your partner is there for you and "no matter who is on the other side...they are on your side.
7. If you cannot resolve your problems on your own seek counseling. If you can not afford a counselor , there are many family services such as "United way" and pastors and ministers of various denominations to help you.