When You Found out You're a Jerk Because of Your Childhood.
Do you sometimes ever feel that something isn't quite right about you? Not in the context of your physical insecurities, but in the way your thought processes work. Do you always think that people are out to get you, wait for you to screw up or just outright sabotage you?
There are times when you're right, but sometimes it's all in your head. You always expect to be disappointed by people around you because that's how you have always felt- let down by those who were supposed to be there for you.
Sometimes you think you're just tough, not afraid of anything or anyone anymore; you always sleep with one eye open, one foot forward ready to go to war when anybody tries to cross you; not caring when a person walks out of your life- what the hell for, right? People come and go anyway. That's what you've always known.
Everyone I know who'd had a rough childhood is magnificent in their own way. These people had developed different coping mechanisms and evolved to be in a "fight or flight" response mode all the time. This is how they shield themselves from all the BS around them? But when can you say you're just being a jerk?
I genuinely think you'll be able to tell when you're being one. Those are the kind of moments when you automatically regret something you said right after the words come out of your mouth, or after you snapped on someone over something stupid.
It's easy to blame your childhood scars when you're back to being rational again, but when you say "I wouldn't be myself if it weren't for my past experiences" do you mean it as "I'm a jerk because of my childhood traumas" or "I am a strong, forgiving, and resilient person because I was forged in fire"?
© 2019 Nina Ella