- Gender and Relationships»
- Romantic Intimacy
When you have to say good-bye to the past.
Enjoy each chance!
Clearing out the baggage.
For each relationship that fails, a new set of disappointments can become lodged in your mind. It seems odd to believe that a new relationship can possibly come in without the old being truly gone and dissolved, yet many move on without this crucial cleansing.
Intimacy is a difficult thing to believe in after being hurt enough times. Some jump from one relationship to another without fully examining what damage they suffered and how to heal past it.
I am not of the mindset that a new relationship right after a failed relationship will in anyway allow the old one or the feelings to be resolved, rather I believe in taking years between relationships, if necessary. It is important to evaluate your role in the failed relationship and the facts that surround what the other person meant to you and why it wasn't the one to stand the tests of time.
However, even with years between intimate commitment, it has become clear that some of the old thoughts and experiences may find their way into conversations when they have no place. Not just the bad ones, but the innocent and fun ones can pop into mind at inopportune times.
An exercise to help insure this does not happen is simple, yet a little difficult to do, but can give you a chance at a new start. This is based on experiences and desires to have a successful outcome that will not set up failure based on past mistakes already successfully overcame and not wanted carried over into a new and inspiring situation.
I believe we all deserve to be loved, adored, respected, valued and given a new chance when entering into a new relationship whether it be intimate or not. Here is one way to clean out the proverbial "cobwebs" that linger from past encounters.
Write a good-bye letter to each situation that may have reared its ugly presence during a conversation.
It doesn't need to be long and drawn out unless it negates that depth. Make sure the letter is specific and filled with all the things it represented and promised. Then transition it through the failures that can be identified or, more importantly, address want needs to be removed from thinking and avoided in future conversations.
The most critical part of this letter that should not be overlooked is to FORGIVE!!! That doesn't mean forget or create a longing to reconcile. It simply means to forgive yourself for your part in the relationship and to absolutely forgive them for the hurt they caused you or resentments you still hold toward them. This is critical for you and your healing and has nothing to do with the one who hurt you. This is solely for your ability to achieve growth and security from within.
This is so critical because often there are children involved and broken vows that must be released and allowed to grow in other places. Children need you to heal and view it as gone and resolved so they don't mimic the wrong behavior when they encounter failed relationships in their lives as well. Sometimes a business venture was involved in a failed relationship, forgive, regroup from the letter and move forward or back toward your passion without the one you forgave. Vows are promises and it is easy to forgive someone for breaking a promise, just don't believe that all people aren't worthy of keeping their promises when you experience some who can't.
DO NOT share these forgiveness and cleansing letters with those who are referred that caused you pain or discomfort. Simply read through them and feel them slipping from your memory and then ceremoniously destroy them in a way that will represent a final end to the torment and desire to regurgitate any part of the situation in the future or give it life in any other conversation or context of the future.
I wish you good luck in forging your new path. Thank you for reading this hub and I hope it may help in some small way.