- Gender and Relationships
When you know Enough is Enough
Married at 18, pregnant at 19, had twins, then at the age of 25 I had my 3rd child. It all happened so fast and nowhere in there did I stop and think about my future self. I was so consumed with being a wife, mother, house keeper that I never thought about a career, an education, where I, as a person would be in another 10 or so years. I love being a mom and have taken that role very serious, enjoyed that I was able to be home with my children, spent most of my time with them, had plenty of time to play, and do projects and things. In that aspect I was blessed, not everyone has that opportunity. Of course I had one small problem, my marriage. My marriage was not at all what I had imagined it to be. As the years passed, their were more and more problems in the relationship, this article is not about bad mouthing or bashing anyone, so lets just say I tried to make do, I tried to be happy for a long time and came to a point where I was completely miserable. I was not happy with this man I had given the last 14 years to, I felt completely unappreciated, unloved and somewhat as a novelty to him. I wasn’t happy with the person I had become as a result of it. In 2005 my mother unexpectedly passed away, she and I were very close and losing her crushed me. My marriage was miserable; I was becoming a bitter angry person inside. I lost my mother and best friend and I truly believed I was losing my mind. Many nights, sometimes to avoid the nightmares I had began having and sometimes to avoid laying next to this man I had grown to despise in so many ways, I would get through the day then after everyone would go to sleep I would go to my little private spot on the back steps and cry, sometimes for just a little while and sometimes I would be up half the night. Each day I would wake up, go through the motions and nothing more. Over the years I had lost most of my friends, had no one really to talk to. I lost my dear mother, the one that always taught me to be strong. I had become completely miserable with my marriage, my life, who I was, the things I allowed happen to me, the way I allowed people to treat me, I had lost my own identity. I had become an empty, useless shell
One night I lay back in a tub full of hot water trying to relax, and before I even realized I had it planned out, how I would do it, I couldn’t live anymore, and somehow just the thought of doing it relieved so much of the pain and stress I had been feeling. I believe I must have stayed in that tub for hours, letting out cold and running fresh hot water, all the while just closing my eyes, and making the plans. All the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks, I said to myself “how dare you be so selfish that you would put your kids through the same pain you feel right now from losing your own mom” something came over me and I found this new strength, I jumped out of the tub got dressed and told my husband that we needed to talk. Without thinking any thing through I told him I was done, done with this relationship, marriage, this miserable existence, Done. He of course asked to talk about it but I knew I had to do this otherwise I would be miserable for the rest of my life and in turn eventually It would affect my children even worse than all the fights, screaming matches and ugly words that they constantly heard from their parents.
The End of a bad thing
I told him I needed some thinking time, I needed some space, I felt crowded, like I couldn’t breathe. So I packed a bag and spend few nights at a girl friends house. Those few days I spent away from him I felt better, I could breathe fresh air, I cannot describe how I felt but I knew with out a doubt it is what we all needed. So I talked to him and we agreed on a separation, he moved out and the kids and I stayed there. I started a temp job, opened a checking account, got a cell phone and a few other things that he would never let me do, and the happiness overwhelmed me. I felt like a new person, I was happy inside, my children went through some adjustments but they became happier too and eventually He also became a happier person. It truly was for the best, and with just a few short months of separation I knew it my heart , their was no going back. We both moved on, been living our lives, have become better, stronger people.
I have been through some things and it was hard, and it still is a struggle today, more so with finances. I am working on finding a career for myself; it has not been easy for 37 year old women, with not much job experience or an education beyond high school. I must say, even though I am still working on those things in my life, I truly am a happier person on the inside, now I smile at who I have become. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. It has even made me a better mother, friend, and general person to be around. I still have some tough times ahead, it is scary as hell but I wouldn’t go back to that point in my life for anything, The best decision I ever made. Today my boys are 17, my daughter is 13 and they are some of the most well adjusted, funny, smart, kind people you would ever want to meet. J I am in no way saying everyone should get a Divorce, especially without trying to work on things, but for me personally , I did not make this decision lightly, and spent a lot of time trying to talk, work things out, make things better before I EVER brought up us splitting up. By the time I came to the conclusion that’s what we needed to do, I just knew it was the right decision for us and I have never looked back.