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When a Mate is Stalking

Updated on September 4, 2009

Stalking Cheaters Waste and Tears.

Stalking of any kind is a disturbing, but mate stalking is a sure sign that the one doing the checking is disturbed. It says less about the alleged cheater than the one sneaking around trying to prove infidelity.

Along with jealousy, it ultimately leads to more break ups than any cheating the stalker thinks he/she may detect. Cheating, of course, is a serious breech of trust. Those who say they forgive may never forget and may use the cheating against the partner in passive aggressive ways for a lifetime of continuing hurt over the betrayal.

" Please take me back" may be one of those, Be careful what you ask for truths. Stalkers: Get a life.

When confronted by friends or family about the damage that stalking may cause to the relationship, Often the stalker will brush off the notion that there is anything wrong with it. " If you knew her like I know her," says one disgrunteled mate. " I have caught her several times cheating on me, and i can tell you it's no fun."

Often as not, stalkers do their deed even though the mate may treat them like gold and wouldn't ever think of cheating or even flirting.

This writer is absolutely certain there is no fun in their relationship. Rather than working on a common goal to strengthen the bond they must have held once, each seems determined to go in a separate way, sneaking around, looking over the shoulder to see where the mate is.

All human beings share a common pursuit which is to find love and happiness and to find fulfilling work, even if it is not making a lot of money or pursuing power and great wealth.

Most persons take the route that seems most natural to them and others, which is to find a mate and settle down, making a home, and for some, raising children. some who start down this road may find it is not to their liking. In the not so distant old days, .you generally accepted your "mistake" and soldiered on. As Grandpa used to say, " you made your bed, now lie in it." and most did.

People are more flexible now. It is generally better for all around if the involved parties can sit down and discuss without rancor or threats the next course of action when one mate wishes to dissolve the relationship. At this stage many are past the point of paybacks and recrimination and realize it's time to start anew and make the most of it..

The trouble starts when the "offended" mate is unable or unwilling to accept the reality of the circumstances. He or she fails to realize somehow that negative behaviors only add to the pain that both parties are feeling. When the one left behind cannot accept what is happening and takes it as a personal attack and total rejection, the crazy behaviors like stalking seem perfectly rational.

when is stalking and checking on your mate good then? the answer is, sadly for those who do it,  Salking is never normal or rational and leads to onc conclusion. It's time to gather friends and family around and maybe even talk to a counselor about the feelings that are helping to create such destructive behavior.

Of course, cheating is a definite indication of a relationship gone wrong and, unfortunately in some cases, proof that the person you hooked up with is unable to achieve a committed, adult relationship. There are those who, because of something that didn't click right when they were young, cannot be honest to one mate and spend time most of their lives seeking the "perfect" one who will match their own idealized image of self, which can never be achieved. It is a narcissistic illusion and it causes a lot of pain and suffering among families and those left behind to wonder why.

Even when caught and confronted, they will always deny and deny in spite of the facts. When an older brother left a condom on the floor of his car for his wife to find, he denied it meant anything, even though condoms were not used in their bedroom. When the writer asked him about it, he continued to deny it, excusing himself by saying, "she never saw me do anything."

After many years of pain his wife finally left. when asked why she stayed so long, stalking and sneaking around looking for "evidence," She replied, " I thought I could catch him at it."

His problem was that he could never love anyone. She loved him at one time but gradually the love was gone. She did go back to school as a result of a nice divorce settlement, and pursued her love of art by painting and working in a busy art gallery.  she busily takes part in the small artist colony she loves and surrounds herself with.

The point is, when she finally accepted there wasn't anything she could do to bring back the love she once had for him, she moved on and gained the happiness denied her through a relationship that was bound for failure.  For some time she blamed herself for staying, and this too is normal, but soon she moved on. 

Sometimes happiness doesn't project itself up onto our life screen the way we wrote the story.  Looking back, often it's hard to see how we could have plotted the course we took and why it took so long for us to see we were on the wrong road.  When we try to build on something that is impossible, it may be time to look on ahead and see what the potential  may be if we move on out.


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