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Where are all the attractive people on dating sites?

Updated on June 19, 2013

The Twilight Zone of Attraction: Online Dating Sites

I'm not expecting Channing Tatum, but can they at least not look like Quasimoto?
I'm not expecting Channing Tatum, but can they at least not look like Quasimoto? | Source
Me after a few weeks of browsing online profiles.
Me after a few weeks of browsing online profiles. | Source
Me after I give up looking at online dating.
Me after I give up looking at online dating. | Source

Online dating: the black hole of being single?

Now, I don't know if I'm just too critical about attractive people, but I've heard many disgruntled opinions (both male and female) when it comes to choices on dating sites. Mind you, I'm also an artist and have an eye for beauty, but online dating just whips out the "ew" factor.

And I've come to the conclusion that they (online dating sites) are a mecca for people who can't make meaningful connections in real life. Or, in other words, the "last resort" for unsuccessful daters. Very unofficially... more "unattractive" people.

Now don't get me wrong, there are always exceptions to every rule. I, too, am online (albeit on a free site, so my views are skewed) and have first hand experience of this. My usual chain of events goes like this: I open my account (bright-eyed and cheery), get lots of feedback immediately (yay for instant gratification!), then I weed through all my "best matches".... that's when my cheery face turns to a frown.

People meet in real life-- I know because it happens all the time. It even happened to me!

Here's the thing: I'm not shy anymore and have no problem talking in public. I can go to bars by myself and make several new friends in one night (some even turn into prospects). I consider myself above average in looks-- but only because many guys have convinced me of this (I still don't get it). I've even been told that guys won't approach me because I'm not average enough (want to read about it? Here's what a girl needs to be asked out).

When I'm out in real life, I get guys decades younger hitting on me. One sweet young thing once commented, "I thought you were the prettiest chick in the bar." Bless his young heart-- and he's quite the looker, I might add.

Disparity of online dating: FBI's Most Wanted Looking For YOU!

Then when I go on these dating sites, I see the kind of men who check me out and I can't help but cringe. Seriously, I've seen more attractive men going to a local Walmart and think to myself, "why aren't the prospects on dating sites at least as attractive?" Shoot, I have cuter men working with me at my job whom also flirt with me. Maybe I should ignore the "rules" and go for it?

I know this sounds shallow and I'm trying to keep an open mind but shoot, you can't have any meaningful connection without chemistry-- that "spark" that you feel when you're at least somewhat physically attracted to your mate.

With online dating, I often feel like I'm browsing FBI's Most Wanted mugshots.... I kid you not. After about three weeks of seeing the same faces and feeling hopeless, I come to the point where I'd rather NOT look any more.

There's only so much I can take before I become jaded about finding love online.

Try meeting in person, now and always... you'll thank yourself later.

Might I say I'm a starch believer in meeting people the old fashioned way? And beyond that, I think people should still talk in person or over the phone rather than message online or over text messages. There's something to be said about the good old days before the internet and cell phones took our brains away from making meaningful connections in real life.

Yeah, I think I'll stop going online again. Nothing has changed much. I see the same (unattractive) men on there that were "fishing" about a year ago. Of all the time I spent back when, I only met a handful of guys for every hundred hours I wasted. Not too smart, right?

Little red hand no more.

Thank goodness I'm not obsessed with being in a relationship (although, I might be a bit jaded about the whole dating thing-- thanks to online dating sites!). There are always guys around paying me attention (which I love). As Doris Day would say, "Kay-Sara, Sara."

If and when a connection will happen, I won't sweat it. For now I'm too happy being unattached, single and independent. For all you others out there, I'd love to hear your take on dating sites. I know a certain someone that swears by them (although he met his "beloved" on Facebook which is NOT really a dating site).

By all means, I don't want to distress anyone from meeting their perfect match through a dating site. I merely want to point out that when it comes to finding love, dating sites might not provide the pot of gold you might be hoping for.


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      Homer 3 years ago

      Because attractive people don't have to join a dating site. Man or woman...

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      Michael 4 years ago

      Glad to hear things are looking up for you.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Yeah, sounds very similar to me. Look, bottom line on any struggle after pregnancy and small children: accommodate. Get sitters. See a doctor about a waning libido. You either try to be better or you give up. There is someone out there who will be at the same level as you (and as a single woman, I do the touchdown dance that I'm not attached to anyone at the moment who doesn't "do it" for me). I'm patient.

      Oh, and yes, I sometimes help out with events at the art museum nearby. I recently met another volunteer there and we had a great first date, but he sort of flaked out afterward. Thanks for the words of encouragement-- I do feel worthy of exceptional love at this point in my life, especially since I can give it. Life just started to get in motion after I sold my house (whew-- wipes forehead). I'll have more time to be social and money isn't a big, looming issue like before. I don't have the baggage of stress to carry around (and follow me on dates, either). I have a really positive feeling about the future. In the words of Howard Jones, "things can only get better."

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      Michael 4 years ago

      (To clarify, I am the Michael, who recently commented on your Yahoo post in regards to How to get yourself to think nice guys are hot).

      Being a guy I can't say what a women is feeling, but what you said at the end makes sense (and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you; maybe you can gleen some material from it). From marriage all the way through the first pregnancy, our marriage was on fire. Our baby was born and then things changed. What she told me was her body was adjusting and I needed to be patient. So I conceded. She got pregnant again (very little intimacy since the first child) and the same thing. Then the third child, the same thing. Finally I was asked what I was going to do when I was 75, which was 30 years away at the time. I was at a loss of words. This told me that her body had nothing to do with it, which is what you are saying. There was another woman who told me differently than what you are saying. She told me to be patient and understanding because her body has gone through a lot and has been pregnant most of our 10 year marriage.

      We are not pregnant again. I have to say that at least she is willing to have sex (still very limited), but I feel she is not engaged and is doing it out of some sort of duty. The worst part is that I am asking for sex. How humiliating. It is almost as bad as when I would ask and be turned down. I all but stopped dropping innuendos. I am very playful in that way but she is not responsive. My wife is not a mean or hateful person. Sex just doesn’t excite her anymore. I am a great lover and do what I can to even enhance her pleasure, but she just fine with the basics. I think of Light My Fire by The Doors. “You know that I would be a liar, if I were to say to you, girl we could get much higher.” I want to go higher and take her, but, anyway.

      I understand that you want to avoid the same catastrophe, but don’t wait too long to be serious in finding that person to discover and bring out your “inner goddess.” You seem really smart, levelheaded and very attractive. Do you do any volunteer work or any service work? I would recommend doing this as opposed to perusing the bars. You certainly don’t want to end up with a lush.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Michael: I don't know you, but you have the same name as a guy who reached out to me through Yahoo (married, with kids, unhappy and unable to change his life). What I tell people all the time (even though it usually ends up in the back of their head with the other thoughts of self-love) is that you don't HAVE to put up with disrespect in a relationship. I tell this to my brother who walks in my shoes of a few years ago, and to make it worse: I thought I was happy during my delusional state of marriage. I just read an article about "Narcissistic Victim Syndrome," and I can say that the effects of my toxic marriage live on. I'm avoiding relationships (per se) while I figure things out in the big picture. You know, our childhood upbringing and conditional traits don't go away just because you are grown up. The way you were treated as a child could be ruining your current relationship. It takes so much time to heal from abusive behavior, and I'm still healing. I can't even imagine what you're going through, Michael. Hardly any sex life? That's going to get old very soon. It's a need, for both men and women. As a reminder: I had an active sex life with my ex even when my kids were newborns (or I was pregnant). If a woman uses any of that as an excuse, she's probably going through other emotional issues where she's being avoidant.

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      Michael 4 years ago

      I met my wife on a dating site. Married over ten years, 4th child on the way and hardly any sex life. I don't know if it is the dating site, the kids or whatever that is to blame for that, but you already know part of this story from yahoo.

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      rita 4 years ago

      Unfortunately I am currently having the same experience. I just deleted my accounts and hopefully will meet someone the old fashion way.

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      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      You want a desperate man, who will cling to you like velcro?

      That's what you will find, on a dating site. That, plus married men, who want NSA sex. And, crazies, who don't get along with any women. Plus, fetish freaks, who drop their kink on you once they feel certain that they will not be rejected.

      There's a reason that people are on dating sites, and it's always because other things have not worked out well for them.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks, John, and that reaffirms what dashingscorpio wrote. I like the "dumpster diving for diamond rings" analogy-- makes complete sense for me. I'm really at the point of taking down my OkCupid profile (yet again) just because I'm getting creeped out by the kinds of men who are checking me out. And no, I haven't even seen anything desirable around here-- there were a few good candidates around LA, but they haven't ever responded to my messages. Yes, women get ignored, too, for the record.

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      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      Use some common sense!

      What hot guy is going to end up on a dating site filled with losers? If you do find an attractive man there, it's for one of two reasons. Either he's a nut, with a personality that no woman can stand, and now he is desperate to meet a woman. Or else, he lives so far out in the woods that a dating site is his best way to meet a woman.

      Dating sites are for people who can't get dates. Don't expect perfection. Expect the same things you find on the discount rack. The picked-over garbage that won't sell, and now they marked it down 70%, to move it out.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      An interesting output on the subject thanks for sharing this information

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      I would not consider becoming a member of an online dating site as paying to find love anymore than I would consider paying a cover charge to get into a nightclub as paying to find love.

      Both the online dating membership fee and the cover charge simply grants you (access) to other people who are there. You're simply joining "the party". Some people are hoping to connect with a special someone and others are there looking for casual dating, intimate encounters, or being chat buddies. Dating sites are more like virtual nightclubs without the alcohol and crowded dance floors. :-)

      On the other hand if I hired a "professional matchmaker" to find me a mate then I would say that is closer to "paying" to find love.

      One man's opinion! :-)

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Excellent breakdown, Kevin and I'm sure you're one hundred percent on target with that. My philosophy has always been that one should not have to "pay" to find love. So here I sit idle and hope for serendipity to serve me a great love connection. It didn't take long to realize that wasn't happening. So I went online.... then quit after a few bad experiences.... then had enough courage to go in again (without any expectations). Well, I'll have to invest more time in being social than what I'd spend on paying for a better website's membership.

      Currently, though, I have too much on my plate to be out and about. Hopefully, if I can free myself of the mortgage debt, I'll have more freedom to be a single woman again.

      Thanks for visiting, Kevin-- always a special treat to see your name!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      The word average in my opinion means the (majority). In other words whether we are online or walking around in public (most people) are not going be considered "beautiful or handsome" in our eyes. Of course it is often said that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I bet you know of some people that go "gaga" over a celebrity however you personally don't see why they think he or she is so "hot". :-)

      One of the biggest mistakes I see people make with online dating is they aren't (selective) about which site to become a member of. They believe they are "all the same". It's like comparing Motel 6 to the Four Seasons hotel by saying they both have beds and cable television. LOL!

      Lets assume I am a successful handsome busy professional guy who decides to venture into online dating. It's highly (unlikely) I would sign up with a (free) site or one that draws the "masses". People who consider themselves to be "upscale" tend to seek out places where other upscale people hang out. If I were in a mall looking for beautiful women I probably would NOT hang out at Sears. I'd instead go to Nordstroms, Bloomingdales, Neiman Marcus, or possibly Macy's as well as designer boutique stores. (Beautiful women tend to invest in themselves to look beautiful). My point is if one is going to be "selective" about the type of person they want to date then they should be "selective" about the online dating site they choose, nightclubs, or other social activity they engage in.

      To use an analogy: I'm certain somewhere in New York City is a dumpster with a diamond ring in it. However it would be a better use of my time to avoid "dumpster diving" and instead go to a place that is (known) for having beautiful diamond rings. I believe there are beautiful people who do choose online dating sites as one tool for meeting other people. However they are selective about which sites to join. Trying to find a hot looking upscale person on a free site or Craig's list is like hoping to win the lottery in my opinion. It could happen but the odds are against you! ha ha ha (Research pays dividends) :-)