- Gender and Relationships
Where Do You Rank In His Life?
Ranking where you fit into a man's life—the importance of how he values you, can either be in your favor or not. This ranking can shift from when you first started dating to when the relationship ends, or hopefully leads to marriage. The goal is to be in the number one slot, neck and neck to number one, or a very strong second.
The scale is 1-5, although realistically it's probably closer to 1-10, depending on how much a guy has going on in his life, as well as how he feels about you, will ultimately determine where you rank.
Where Do You Rank:
1. Number 1-2: This is where you want to rank in his life. He valuse you as very important in his life. He is making the effort to spend time with you to improve the relationship—not letting work and/or other things be the excuse.
2. Number 3-4: He cares about you, but hasn't determined to what degree. The 100% effort he was once making has definitely started to change. Ouch!
3. Number 5-10: He's keeping you around, but isn't invested. He's making little to no effort and it shows. Great.
Being in the bottom ranks usually means that he views you as less important than everything else going on in his life. Likely this low ranking shows, because you hardly ever see him, and when you do he's mentally occupied with other things—i.e. constantly checking his cell phone, sending text messages or talking on his phone. Or, maybe your conversations revolve around his stuff and his day—i.e. work talk, kid talk, exercise talk, yet zero talk about you or your relationship.
There are many things that a guy can put before or after you and the relationship. His job, going to the gym or working out, his passions (bike riding, skiing, snowboarding, training for marathons, etc), taking care of a pet(s), time with friends and family, religion, and if he has children—time he spends with them. Your ranking may also be affected if he's into organized sports—time he devotes to watching or possibly participating in a league as a player or coach.
Is it possible to know immediately if you potentially will rank low in his life? Maybe—if you ask the right questions, but usually…. no since the first weeks of dating (sometimes months) are the fantasy stages (honeymoon), where everything is blissful—making it hard to tell.
During this magical time when the newness of a relationship is as intoxicating as the smell of a newborn baby to his/her mother, there usually tends to be some talk about the future. There might be talk about events you want to attend together, or the mentioning of the two of you taking a trip or vacation somewhere. Depending on your age, the "forever talk" might also creep in—discussing children—do you both want to have any, or if he has children, what are your thoughts (and his) about possibly being a stepmom one day? He might even be bold enough to talk about wedding stuff—type, size and where you envision the wedding would be, as well as your thoughts about marriage, and if you could see a future with him?
When you are wrapped up in the fantasy stage, it can cloud your mind to the true reality that is (usually) right in front of your eyes. With time comes truth, so it's important not to be too overzealous until you know exactly where you rank in his life, and if you are ok with that position.
I've mentioned this before, men are great at wooing, so if he mentions his busy life, usually it's followed with him stating that he wants a relationship, and he's learned to make the time to date. Sounds great, right? But, when the dust settles, and the newness of the relationship starts to fade—for men this happens quicker that you think, the amount of time and attention that he's truly able to give you will surface.
Every woman has met a guy and thought, "He is impressive." "He's perfect," "He's everything that I have been searching for in a guy." Or my favorite—"I think he is the one!" It's great when you meet a guy and (think) you have those feelings instantly, however do those feelings always last? How many times have you been giddy about a guy in your life until the happy bubble you were in burst?
For many women, it doesn't take long to realize the bubble they are trying so hard to hang on to may pop in their face. This happens when they start to understand that they have become less and less of a priority in a man’s life. This realization will cause them to make excuses for his behavior versus being honest with the fact that their ranking has dropped because he lost interest. This loss of interest is likely due to feeling disconnected on a physical or mental level, or perhaps another woman has captured his attentions. This inability to face the truth will usually create excuses.
Excuses only prolong the hurt that you will eventually need to deal with, as well as the false belief that he will change his distant behavior and realize that he actually does want you. Maybe that could happen, when he gets bored with whatever was distracting him in the first place, or if you have magically gone through a major personality change that would better suit him. But, it's usually not as complicated as that.
When a guy has less time for you in his life, especially when in the beginning of seeing each other he was finding ways to be with you, it is a huge sign that he's not mentally, emotionally or physically into you anymore.
A guy, who makes time for you, is a guy who sees a future with you. Do you really think that a guy’s schedule changes so dramatically? Why when you first met him was he able to plan dates and see you—now all of a sudden he can't find time at all? I'm not saying that it can't happen, however, when he's not giving you a solution or a time frame, but can still plan time to see his friends and family, how far down the scale on his priority list should you rank? And, why should you think it's acceptable to be ranked at the bottom?
Anyone can claim that they want a relationship. A guy can push exclusivity, but it doesn't mean that he's going to put in the full effort—frankly, some men just don't like to be alone. When a guy wants the "title"—having the comfort of knowing he's in a relationship, but isn't invested in the role of being your boyfriend, it can potentially end up lowering your ranking.
Do you really want to be with a guy who previously ranked you high in his life—didn't waste any time to woo you, called/texted daily, yet all of a sudden work has become incredibly busy, his workout schedule has ramped up, and friends and sports have increasingly been in the picture? Oh, and if he has kids—his schedule with them changes from not having/seeing them on his weekends off, to being with them almost everyday. Of course his children should be a priority. However, when he can't find a way to also balance you in his life, with everything else going on—when he once was able to, that's a huge red flag that's he's not ready for a relationship with you.
I have dated guys that at first seemed like a great fit, but in time, there were attributes that we both didn't care for—ending the relationship. I also dated a guy that instead of being honest with me about how he felt (disinterested), he would instead play the, "you're so great, but I'm really busy (and plan on staying that way forever)” game. With this particular type of guy, he would act as if I was dumb enough to believe his dishonesty versus just telling me the truth. I went from a high priority ranking in his life, with him being the instigator in seeing me—to an overnight change of heart with him having a million things causing him to no longer have time for me, or the relationship. My ranking with him was very suddenly, very low. Ouch!
No woman likes to go from a number one ranking (possibly number two if he has children) to number ten, or off the list completely. It's a painful fall emotionally, that can be hard to heal from if you don't understand what happened. Unfortunately, with some men you will never know, and making excuses for their lack of communication will only make you look (and feel) like an idiot.
A woman should never feel foolish, or feel like the guy has all the control. Some men might just need to work a little harder when wooing you—making him value you. And when he values you, your ranking moves up.
Sometimes you need to focus on your life when you start to realize that you're not a priority in his. Make it clear that he also doesn't have to be your number one priority. During the wooing phase, don't always be available. Make time for your interests, family, and friends—don’t just wait for his call. If he loses interest because you are not just waiting around for him, he's not worth your time.
Remember ladies, the man who will be your ultimate match will work hard at keeping you ranked as number one, or as close to number one as possible. If your ranking with a guy has dropped dramatically, or has never increased, it's time to reevaluate if he is really who you want to be with. You both should be a priority in each other's lives, anything less in not acceptable.