Why Can't I Get a Date and What to Do
There Are Reasons and It Might Be You
If you’re to the point of googling “why can’t I get a date,” or maybe, “why can I never get a second date,” then the truth can be hard to hear. Likely, the problem is you. Maybe the reason you’re getting rejected is physical, maybe it’s personal. Either way, there’s no reason to despair or join r/foreveralone. You can address these reasons. You should address these reasons. But first, you have to accept these reasons. Once you do that, you can improve as a person, likely have a better social life, but, more importantly, be a happier and more contented person.
What’s Your Major Malfunction?
While you may be typing it in Google, you likely already know the reason you can’t get a date. Those I’ve talked with will usually admit pretty quickly after a little problem why they think it is. Often, it’s a physical issue of not looking good, be it being overweight, a skin issue, or another bit about themselves they don’t like. The key takeaway here isn’t that these are just reasons they can’t get dates, they’re also things that these guys don’t like about themselves. So, addressing them isn’t just about being able to get a date, but also about being a happier and more fulfilled person. It’s also a nice boost of confidence.
Now, if you can’t immediately point to something like that, first check if you’re wearing a fedora. If you are, then this category most certainly applies to you. If not, then it’s still likely that the issue is a personal one. You might be trying to get dates with women you have nothing in common with. Alternatively, you may have a toxic outlook. While these may seem simple to fix, you don’t have to hit the gym after all, addressing personal issues require you to be mentally aware of your thoughts, recognize when toxic ideas are creeping in, and then affirming that they are toxic and redirecting to a more positive outlook.
If it’s a physical issue, then take some time out to work on yourself. Like men, women are just as likely to make judgments based on physical appearance, but just because you don’t stand a chance at being the next Bond isn’t the reason you can’t get a date. What you’re imagining women are thinking when they see you may or not be accurate; however, it is what you think about you. When you address you, then you also address one of the things standing in the way of you improving your social life: you.
You don’t need a gym to get fit. You don’t even need fancy equipment. Start walking more. Take stairs instead of the elevator. Do some pushups and sit-ups. Throw in some squats. Fill up some milk jugs with water and do some curls. The Internet is rife with tips on quick and easy workouts you can do at home. And, you can do them while watching tv.
On the flip side, couple this with a healthier diet. Cut down on soda and other sugary snacks. Drink less beer. Practice portion control. Another way to improve your diet is to start cooking for yourself, which has the added benefit of learning a life skill that others find attractive in a mate. Also, as a bonus, eating healthier can have added benefits for your skin, colon, and energy levels.
Once the pounds start dropping and you start to notice a bit of a tone developing, you’re well on your way to feeling a whole lot better about yourself.
We aren’t always the best judge, but perhaps you have a trusty friend who might be willing to give it to you straight. However, if you’re not taking care of your personal hygiene, then you really are not going to get a date. Trust me, I’ve heard the horror stories from my female friends and you do not want to be one of them. A simple shower a day would have vastly improved some of them.
If you need a list however:
- Shower regularly using soap and shampoo
- Brush your teeth
- Wash your face (even the occasional rinse can help improve your skin)
- Shave appropriately (get rid of the neckbeard and don’t go for weird facial hair styles)
- Do your laundry (you’d assume not wearing dirty clothes would be obvious, but here we are)
- Clean where you live
- Wear deodorant
I get it, wearing a t-shirt and jeans is easy. Sweatpants are even easier. However, if you’re wondering why women aren’t finding you attractive, dressing lazily is likely part of the problem. This doesn’t mean you need to show up in a suit, but ditching the sweat putting in some effort will have significant positive gains.
First off, forget peacocking. It’s stupid. And, despite what certain pick up artists might say, from my network of female friends, they almost universally find it weird. Ditch the fedora. Ditch the weird accessories. Ditch the entire concept.
Jeans and a t-shirt do make an excellent base for an outfit, especially for most casual date outings. Make sure they’re in good shape. Unless it’s really hot and you’ll be outdoors you can also add a jacket of varying strength to add layers. And, if it’s slightly fancier, just swap out the t-shirt for a decently fit dress shirt. Solid colors will likely work best. Add in some nicer shoes and a good belt (try to match them; black or brown are easy and common).
Once you get accustom to putting together a simple outfit and basic layering you might consider moving on to some more complex looks that better suit you. But, before you go splashing cash on more expensive clothes, find out what colors you feel good in and what kind of styles suit you.
It's a Personal Problem
Quick test. Whose fault is it that you can’t get a date? If you answered anything other than yourself, then you’re likely in this category. Women don’t owe you anything. Society also doesn’t owe you anything (though one might consider that we should be working to build a society that at least has enough empathy to at least make sure that everyone’s basic needs are met).
I also wouldn’t blame you if you fell into this trap of toxicity. Western culture does a terrible job of helping men come to terms with themselves. Just like there is pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, men are also taught to repress their emotions, be physically strong, successful with women, dominant, etc… And when you inevitably don’t measure up, there’s a waiting cohort of individuals ready to prey on your insecurity, be it the incels, alt-right, or any other group that wants to mold you by redirecting your angst onto the other.
However, you don’t need to give into your insecurity. Hopefully, the older you get, the more you realize that people don’t have time for such rigid ideas of manliness. They got jobs to do, kids to raise, and maybe have just enough time to enjoy a hobby. Coming to terms with being who you are, enjoying the things you like, and not try to measure up to an unrealistic ideal isn’t easy. The first step is recognizing when you’re having these unhealthy thoughts. Once you start to realize you’re slipping into that kind of thinking, you can actively start to counter it with the reality that they aren’t true, that you don’t have to be that way, and that you can be you. Sure, maybe there are things you’d like to change, but you want to change them because you want to do so, not because society says you need to.
You’ve Got the Wrong Reasons
Another common problem is that you may have unrealistic ideas of what a relationship is. You will not become a magically better person because you’re in a relationship. You won’t automatically be happier (and in some cases you may even be less happy). You won’t have a better personality and you won’t happen to start accomplishing goals you weren’t doing before. If you think getting into a relationship is a panacea for these things, then you’re likely going to find yourself depressed and sabotaging what could have been a fulfilling relationship.
That’s not to say that being in a relationship can’t inspire you to be better. Partners do tend to encourage each other, to be accountable, and to grow as a person. What’s important is that you recognize that you still have to put in the effort.
There’s Nothing in Common
This might be the most obvious, but also the most ignored. The culture of modern dating apps that put less emphasis on fit and personality to focus more on swiping on a face likely doesn’t help either. But think about how many movies and shows have the nerd obsessed with the head cheerleader? Now think about what those two people have in common that isn’t their age group and shared school. It’s not exactly going to be a big list.
That’s not to say that you need to have the same shared interests, or that even your most important interests are shared. In fact, not having your own things can be detrimental to a relationship. However, if she’s into Instagram modeling and you want to watch Twitch Streams, that might not be a good fit. Maybe you have a shared love of photography and it could work.
What’s important is that you learn to accept that you won’t always be a good fit. With that in mind, you also need to accept that if you don’t have shared interests, it’s not likely going to work. If you’re consistently trying to get dates with women who aren’t likely to have commonalities with you, then you’re not going to have a good time.
Women Will Not Thank You for All the Fish
One last thing. Picture it, Tinder, flipping through, man holding a freshly caught fish. What happens next might surprise you. It’s a pretty quick swipe to the left. I once spent about two years in a job where I worked with a group of young, single women who knew their way around the dating apps. Discussing the daily matches was a common lunch table discussion and there was always one, undeniable and unalterable standard. If he hold a fish, he will be dismissed.
Holding a fish doesn’t demonstrate that you’re capable of being a provider. If a woman cared about that she’d be hanging out at bars in the financial district. Now, if you’re dead set on a fish pic, maybe try a little humor with a frozen fish from the seafood aisle, or, better yet, demonstrate your cooking skills with a nice prepared bit of salmon in a white wine sauce with capers.