NOTICE: May I Have My Own Female Stalker?
This girl would be THE IDEAL stalker for me
If I am going to have my own
stalker, female of course, then there are certain guidelines that "I" must lay down to her so she can fit into my mold as my own personal stalker:
- She must never dress in casual jeans, but a very nice dress that accents her gorgeous legs.
- She must always keep her complaining about these rules to herself. I mean. At the end of every month, I am already giving her the sum of $4,100.00 as a raise.
- She must always smile and giggle at me when we are alone. That isn't too much to ask of someone who appreciates a female stalker is it?
- She must never allow herself to "pig out" at the local Krispy Kreme doughnut shop to satisfy that sweet tooth she has, but hey, I am a fair stalker appreciator. Twice in a month I will let her go wild at her own choosing of any Krispy Kreme shop in the city.
- If she has a complaint about me or how I am handling "our" arrangement, all she is to do is sit down with me in private and tell me how she really feels and if leaving me is the only answer there is to make her feel better . . .well, I am a fair man. I would allow that just as soon as her gorgeous replacement is found.
It's time for me to . . .
assert myself. Be bold. Brave and courageous. All at the same time. For years I've lived the defined conservative life. Filed my taxes. Loved my neighbors. And respected the elderly. I'm sure that many of you have done the same. So with your permission, this hub is dedicated to you, the reserved, the quiet-natured, the ones who always obey the rules, dot their "i's" and cross their "t's" and salute Old Glory when she's raised.
For a long time now I've heard the expressions: "female stalker," and "female predator," and I do not know the difference in these modern terms. All I do know is that each term contains my favorite word: Female, and I think that having "female" in the title, it cannot be all bad.
I've read a few articles about females who stalk men wanting their undivided attention, their spare time and moments of sensitivity that no other female in the man's life can have. Hey, what's wrong with wanting some company, for pete's sake? We all get lonely. We all get down and out. We are but mortal, aren't we? Let's take off the condemning labels and be who we are. Real. Up front. And liberated from the social burdens we have placed on our backs. I feel better already.
I know already that I'm "going against the grain," and honestly, "bucking the system," by writing this hub, but it's just something I have to do in order to live with myself. I hope that you understand. In all sincerity, I hope that none of you guys ever get into the shape I am in now. Because it's rough living with the fact that you don't have, or never had a beautiful woman, intelligent, eloquently-spoken, smells like a Chanel No. 5 factory who wants "you" for just being "you," nothing else. This would easily be a real-life fantasy if I were pressed to give you a definition of what I am feeling right now.
I hate to be blunt, but I want a stalker! A lovely female stalker. Not your average, back-alley knock-off, but a real, true-blue, sexy-looking, soft-spoken stalker who would, with her feminine gifts, make me feel like I'm a true male. Is that too much to as of this life? I implore you ladies and gentlemen of HubPages, am I going too far with this request? If so, I apologize. But I cannot apologize for being so lonely sometimes that I talk to my PC screen. And when I'm really lonely, I talk to photos of myself taken years ago when I was in a happier frame of mind.
Let me approach this story from this viewpoint. When I was a young, single man, I did my share of chasing the pretty girls, what few we had in my hometown, and went with a few on occasion. But as for them chasing me, calling me all of the time, making excuses to show-up at my house "dressed to the nines," well, this never happened. It did to some of my buddies. I know this is true for when we meet and they elude to talking of their "golden memories," of the female stalkers "they" had, their faces light-up like Fifth Avenue in New York on New Year's Eve. Their eyes dance with happiness while their faces turn a mild pink from a touch of embarrassment. But overall, "these" buddies of mine have something I never had. A beautiful female stalker.
Now I will say this to you. I do NOT want a female predator. I hear those are mighty dangerous to have around. You have to build a chain-link fence in the backyard. Buy special feed for them and take them to the vet once a month for their check-up's. I can't deal with that much work. Not now. My simple request is that I have just ONE GORGEOUS FEMALE STALKER before I leave this world. That's all.
And she does have to have a good mental state. I do not want a gorgeous female stalker who's so "over the edge," that every word I say is taken wrong and she whips out her favorite butcher's knife and "goes to town" swinging the knife in a wild fashion as I duck in and out trying to save my own hide. No. I just want a mentally-stable, easy-going, friendly, sweet-smelling, nice-dressing female stalker who will "stalk" me when I tell her to with a written-schedule that she can stick to her refrigerator, no, make that her bedroom dressing mirror, because if she sees my "stalker schedule" on her refrigerator, she will automatically want to eat and that will make her fat. And no man alive wants an obese stalker no matter how charming she is.
And my "female stalker's" work will be so easy that she will think she is on vacation. When she calls me on the phone, she will ask me the questions I have pre-written and emailed to her to ask me, so she won't have to do any work. Now I ask you. What man being stalked would go that far to make his "stalker" happy? Allow me to answer that question. Not many. Probably none. I just want my amazingly-beautiful female "stalker" to be happy. And proud to "stalk" me and feel good about herself and what she is doing. That's a formula for happiness if there ever was one. Hey, employees of companies who aren't happy with your work! Call me and I can "coach" you into feeling good about your job even if it is cleaning porta-potties.
I've thought this through. I will sit my wife down when I hire my "stalker," and tell my wife just what I'm doing and on what day my female "stalker" is going to call or sneak up on me in the bushes by our house, so she won't get upset. My wife hates to be upset. So by being honest with her, I will be setting a precedent in being the first man to tell his wife about his sensual female "stalker." My wife's only concern would be for me NOT to have sex with my "stalker," and I would then burst into laughter and tell her that it's not about sex, it's about me fulfilling a long-time need to have a beautiful, open-minded woman "stalk" me, but only according to the schedule I give her. I think my wife will go along with that. And if she doesn't have to cook for my "stalker," she can rest after her shift at Walmart, put her feet up, and enjoy some quality time with CBS line-up of quality television entertainment.
Here is a list of things that my female "stalker" will talk to me about on the phone:
- National politics - and she will say, "what a turn-on, listening to you speak about President Obama and his National Health Care Bill."
- The Iranian Situation - she will love it when I mention "nuclear capabilities," and coo, "ohh, Kenny, I get all tingly when you say 'nuclear,'"
- The High Price of Gasoline - after a few minutes of me complaining about gas being so high, my lovely female "stalker," will talk softly and say, "you turn me into a beast when you say things like BP, Chevron and Shell,"
- CBS Over-use of Alex O'Loughlin - my gorgeous female "stalker" will nearly-faint with lust because I cannot pronounce O'Loughlin's name correctly.
It's going to be a big time for me when I hear a familiar rustle in the bushes outside my living room window and my wife says, "she's here. Your female "stalker" who is never tardy. And then the chase will begin. I go outside my house and yell, "hey, you, in the bushes! Yes, you, girlie dressed in that expensive dress covered in sequen and six-inch heels. Come out of I will be forced to teach you a lesson," of course I am merely "acting" tough and surprised that my "stalker" is actually on my property.
Then my "stalker" walks slowly toward me panting with every breath and looking at me like I am the only man on earth and says, "Hey there, manly man. Care if I rub your tired shoulders?" And I reply instantly, "out here? In the yard?" She giggles and then takes me forcibly in her arms and throws me to the lawn, rolls me over on my stomach while massaging my weary shoulders that ache with pain from sitting in front of my PC all day long writing about a fantasy that will only be lived on the PC screen.
And never in my real life.
This is a low-down, doggone shame.
But hey, I'm glad that I know how to read.