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Why Does My Husband Hate Me?

Updated on May 31, 2015
Tashaonthetown profile image

Natasha Pelati has published three books of poetry and writes on real-life experiences with the help of psychology.

Sleeping with the Enemy

I am sure that when you got married you never thought that you would be sleeping next to the enemy.

The man that once made you feel so loved, adored and was your best friend, is now a stranger that you don't even know.

He might be cold and distant, showing no interest and you might be lonely and unloved.

Your husband might even be verbally or emotionally abusive towards you and the truth is that it has been brewing for some time.

Your husband hates you and being trapped in a marriage that makes you feel lonely, misserable, unhappy, unloved, disrespected and alone will leave you in a constant state of stress that will eat you up inside and eventually leave you empty and cold.

Does this sound familiar?

You are not alone because there are so many married women that feel the same way that you do and they have gone through so many years of feeling hated that eventually learning to switch off is the only way to live through the heartache until it doesn't feel like anything at all.

Who wants to live like that forever?

Love should be free and yes, every marriage has it's problems but a healthy relationship can work through anything and nobody has to ever feel alone or hated.

There is nothing worse than knowing or feeling that the one person in the world that you love the most is the one person in the world that hates you.

Sleeping with the enemy is a far cry from your love filled and carefree honeymoon and the fact that you do not feel loved but hated is not worth the stress.

There are a few ways to see whether you can get through the hate and simple tips to see why he hates you.

Does Your Husband Hate You?

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Your Partner Hates You

Your question is why does your husband hate you?

You have to think about what it is that he does or doesn't do to make you feel that way.

Hate is a very strong and UGLY emotion and being on the receiving end is not at all where you should be.

We all need to feel loved and adored, we all need our soulmate to be able to communicate with, laugh and cry with and most importantly, share our lives with on all levels.

When you met and married the man of your dreams I am certain you never thought that one day you would feel hated by that same sweet guy that swept you off your feet.

Now you can feel the wrath of his anger and his eyes can drill holes through the back of your head with the looks that could kill.

Your heart is broken and you are tired of fighting back but the question in your mind is still lurking; "Does he really hate me?"

In many relationships hate does come into play and it might not be an intentional reaction to you but something that you have said or done that has triggered him to feel this way.

Reasons to Feel Hated

You get shouted at for no reason

He finds reasons to pick fights with you

He calls you names and insults you at every turn

You can see the hate he has for you in his eyes

Your husband is not affectionate

He does not want to spend time with you

There is no support or loyalty from his side

If you can relate to any of these than you have a small problem but the good news is that it could just be a phase he is going through, like the "War of the Roses," a love and hate relationship that can be mended.

For some unfortunately it is too late and too far gone to mend. A lack of communication or the fear of wanting to know what the underlying problems are, have caused a huge rift in the relationship and neither party is willing to make the effort, or is too afraid to do so.

There are other reasons why you are at the receiving end of his hate and this either because he is going through a crisis where he feels that he is getting older and his career path is making him unhappy.

Your husband could also be emotionally connecting with someone else, either via a social network or a friend that he is speaking to and getting mixed feelings.

These are important issues to deal with and you need to make sure that there is no interference from outside influences as they will encourage him to make the wrong decisions and put things in his head that do not make sense to you but it is done to manipulate him into perhaps moving into something physical.

Your emotional state is suffering and your wellbeing depends on making or breaking the relationship because with great stress comes great health problems and who needs or can afford to go through this?

Talking is great as it allows you to openly say what is on your mind and you need to think of it in this way...what have yo got to lose, that you haven't already lost?

A healthy relationship has good communication and yes there are times where you will argue and fight about stupid things, never having to say sorry but in bad relationships there is no way to communicate your feelings and the verbal beatings as well as the emotional strain can bring you down completely as there is always consist levels of fear and unresloved issues that linger and then you either go into a hole and live as a cold and lonely, misserable and sad person or you can try your very best to save a marriage that has memories both good and bad.

The major decision comes only after you have been able to communicate with your spouse about what it is that has made him hate you and if it can be reversed.

If the problems are that it is just simply hatred then there is nothing that you can do about.

Should it be that you are both willing to try to solve the problems in your marriage then this is a great opportunity for growth and it is normal to sometimes have feelings of hatred but it depends on how long it goes on for and what the reasons are.

Think carefully about the trying to mend your broken heart with the man that has caused you so much pain and suffering by questioning whether this has been an ongoing thing and he simply just does not feel compatible with you and also whether this is the first and last time issues will come up to make you feel hated.

Life can continue without those feelings and you need to ask yourself why you would stay in a one man war against you, is it really worth fighting for and can you win back his love?

Should you win back his love? Does he deserve to be loved by you? Are your kids better off with you separating or can you be a happy, loving and respectful family?

Hated by your husband; loneliness,sadness, despair
Hated by your husband; loneliness,sadness, despair
Does yout husband hate you or is he a little lost?
Does yout husband hate you or is he a little lost?

How to Make Him Love you Again

Hate is a terrible thing to have to be on the other end of and to mend a relationship with those emotions in it can be tough. You do need to ask yourself if this has been an ongoing problem in your relationship because if it has, then why stay with someone who considers you to be the enemy?

Why would you want to grow old with someone that lacks respect, loyalty and most importantly, gives you absolutely no love?

If you have children, you are teaching them that love is a war and they will have the same attitude towards their own relationships on day as this is what they come home to on a daily basis.

Crying yourself to sleep or being afraid of what might happen next is no way to live and to be able to mend yor relationship or salvage what is left, it will take time and effort on both your parts.

Firstly you need to communicate how you feel and you also need an explanation as to why you are hated.

The tone of voice you use is very important as you do not want to trigger another episode. To avoid this you will have to be calm, keep the tears away and just be extremely honest and confident when you speak.

Your husband will have to give an explanation as to why he hates you and you need to listen very carefully.

If what he is saying is not reasonable, you will then have to make a decision on how to resolve the issues and see whether there is room for repair.

You might find that he is threatened or jealous of your achievements, maybe he doesn't like the way that you are treating him, he could be going through stress or he just plain and simply does not love you anymore and because you have children or other commitments, he feels that he is forced to stay.

Sometimes past experiences can trigger something that will cause bad feelings and it might not be meant for you but directed at you . You need to find out if there are underlying problems and ask him what it is that has triggered this hate in order for your relationship to be healthy again.

Nobody has to be forced to be in a relationship and it works both ways, marriage is work, compromise and has got to have mutual respect and love.

Without it, there is no relationship and your family and children are the ones that will suffer the most in the end.

If you are wanting to stay because you love him, then the love needs to be returned and he should be willing to work at it.

Should he not be willing to do that then you need to think of yourself, hold up the white flag and surrender as there is no reason to be at war in a relationship.

The only way to make him love you again is to work through the issues that are bothering the both of you and if he really and truly does hate you, he will not be willing to try, he will play the blame game and you will be doing this same dance for the rest of your life.

The man that once loved you and would do anything for you is still there for those who are just going through some problems such as financial strain, issues with children or you have simply just been stuck in a rut for too long that it has caused you both to drift.

Other issues could be that you have suddenly realised that you do not want to be a doormat and feel taken for granted, which has caused him to lash out, feeling as if he has lost control. In this case he has control issues or a narcassistic personality which needs therapy all on its own.

Assertive communication is a must in relationships and marriage
Assertive communication is a must in relationships and marriage

Assertive Communication

We all have a way or manner in which we speak to our partners and the wrong way can trigger all sorts of emotions.

Passive aggressive communication is the wrong way to communicate with your partner as it brings him to naturally defend himself.

If you would like positive attention from your husband than you need to be able to commuicate assertively.

Assertive communication means that you need to stand up for yourself in a respectful and calm way so that it is easy for him to listen, really listen to what you are saying.

He cannot listen if you do not openly say what it is that is on your mind and he certainly will switch off if you shout and scream at him.

Knowing how to communicate with your husband and understanding why he reacts in the way that he does is critical in turning a hateful husband into a loving one.

Each and every one of us has a programmed response patterns and this can be triggered by the way we speak or react in a situation.

Some men live for years with their wives, making them feel like a princess and this is because their wives know how to get what they want in an assertive way.

Sometimes we push the wrong buttons without even knowing it and suddenly receive an outburst that is unexpected, although, being in a relationship with someone that you are continuously with can trigger many things and it is natural to sometimes feel irritated or agitated with your partner, the only difference is that it does not turn into hate and you eventually evolve together.

It will take work but you need to take note of the tone of your voice or the word that you use to trigger your husbands swing in mood.

If you cannot find the trigger than you need to ask him what it is that gets him angry, he might not even be aware of what it is but it is the same thing that happens when countries decide to go to war.

Once you have established what it is try to avoid using the word or change your tone of voice and the way in which you say something.

This will make him see that you are trying and it will also tempt him into doing the same.

Not all relationships can work with this but if they do end then it can be on amicable grounds rather than hateful ones, to avoid having your kids go through yet another war.

Are you Passive Aggressive or Assertive with Communication?

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    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      3 years ago from South Africa

      I think so too. Every marriage has its ups and downs as two people cannot have the exact same thought pattern. Marriage with good communication,trust, respect can work through any issues, however when there is a lack of either of those, there is no relationship

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      3 years ago

      I think every married couple experiences some level of this love-hate relationship at one time. It takes work and real dedication to get through the trial.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      3 years ago from South Africa

      That is good news. Hopefully others can too!

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 

      3 years ago from The Beautiful South

      My husband was somewhat like that when we married. (or after the honeymoon; lol) Possessive, hateful at times and I felt to blame for all his anger but we did get through it and he changed I am happy to say.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      3 years ago from South Africa

      Lorelei Cohen - Marriage does come with emotional ups and downs and there are difficult things to face in marriage. Emotional abuse or violence is unacceptable and it is sad that many women do not understand that they do not have to be treated that way.

      Cardisa - Most marriages are successful because people chose the right partner from the very beginning and in other cases they started out as badly as they end. Wish you happiness, peace and love as light as a feather!

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 

      3 years ago from Jamaica

      Thanks Tasha, I am also praying that he and I never get to that point, and if we do, we can find our way back to each other.

    • Lorelei Cohen profile image

      Lorelei Cohen 

      3 years ago from Canada

      Marriage definitely comes with a great deal of emotional ups and downs, and give and take, within it. Emotional abuse can be very difficult and it is important to remember that if things get violent then it is time to walk.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      3 years ago from South Africa

      Oh that's fantastic! Congratulations and all you need to remember is to be best friends always. That is not as easy as it sounds when you are married but always remember that.

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 

      3 years ago from Jamaica

      I took the quiz and it says my husband loves me. I'm getting married in February, have lived with my fiancé 5 years and I hope we never get to the point where I think he hates me. We have gotten closer and closer every day.

      I pray for all the wives and husbands out there that are going through this kind of relationship, that they will find that love again and start appreciating each other like they used to.

    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      3 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you and yes, communication is not the end all and be all of relationships. It is true that if you have to get someone to love you physically, emotionally and in any other way then it is probably best to start over. They are aware of how they are treating you and there is also no point in being unhappy for the sake of children. I could imagine nothing worse than to feel hated by the one person in the world that you love and look up to the most. Why be in a war when you could surrender to endless possibilities of love and adoration from someone who would love you no matter what.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      Voted up and interesting!

      I personally believe if someone believes their spouse "hates" them and they continue to stay in the marriage it says more about them than their spouse. If someone is unhappy in their marriage and they (choose) to stay then they are (choosing) to be unhappy. All relationships are "at will".

      Granted there are some instances where one may take out their stress on those nearest to them. Maybe the husband feels under heavy stress from work related issues or resents choices he made in his life which he feels kept him from reaching his dreams. In that case neither spouse is happy.

      Although "communication" is often touted as the be all end all cure for unhappy relationships, the reality is whatever one usually has to say to their spouse is rarely a "newsflash" to them. If for instance your spouse has not been sexually intimate with you for 6 months you can rest assure that they already know it. They were just hoping you wouldn't bring it up.

      If anyone has to "ask" their mate to be nicer to them, kiss them, hug them, have sex, not to yell or be physically/verbally abusive then these are (clues) they chose the wrong mate for themselves! Human beings make mistakes and that sometimes includes mate selection.

      Instead of trying to get someone to change or staying and hoping they'll change one is probably better off trying to find someone who (already is) the kind of person they want to be with. Experience is the greatest teacher.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde


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