10 Reasons Why I Couldn't Date Supergirl

Well, since you asked nicely, I will be glad to tell you about "My Top 10 Reasons Why I Couldn't Date Supergirl," and I ask your patience as I muddle though this painful confession-of-a-story that has eaten at me for years.

There isn't a heterosexual man in the world that wouldn't jump at the chance, just a glimmer of a chance, to take Supergirl of DC Comics' fame, out on a heavy date. I am sure that there is a small group of heterosexual men somewhere in this vast universe who wouldn't dare ask Supergirl for a date, but finding them is not my problem. Thank our God above.

And in my life, since the tender, carnal age of 12, I used to be deeply in-love with this red-caped heroine who flew the friendly skies of the United States and Europe defending us against all forms of evil and dirty, under-handed villains. Oh how I used to pine-away the hours just soaking-in every color picture of her in DC Comics and actually sincerely wish that one day I might meet a girl of such perfect features. I may not have been very bright in those days, but man, how I could dream higher than the sky. My dreams of dating Supergirl had no limit. In "my dreams," I was "the man." With Supergirl at my side, I was the envy of every man in the world. Good or evil. With Supergirl in my life, I foolishly thought, I would have it made on throughout my adult years.

But youthful dreams like sand castles are all washed-away with the progression of time and life and guys such as myself are just left with a dull, faded memory of what could have been.

That was then. This is now. When I turned the wise, sagely-age of 22, I began to realize that not all dreams and fantasies come true. Some do. Some don't. My big dream of dating Supergirl burst in front of my very eyes one day when it hit me. How on earth could I, a mortal man, date a comic book chick like Supergirl? "Get real, Kenny," I said to myself. There are just too many obstacles to overcome when it involved dating a girl like Supergirl. Some of my trusted friends, those who saw me through eyes of pity, said, "Kenny, please get a grip. If your new wife finds out that you secretly want to date Supergirl, she is gone, buddy." And they were right. It wasn't fair of me to want Supergirl in my heart while loving my wife in reality.

So one dark day in September of 2009, I faced the cold face of reality. "Took the bull by the horns." "Paid the piper" my last red cent. And let me tell you, I wept. A long time. Held my head in my hands. I saw my last shred of faith diminish like a summer shower as I wrote down my ten reasons, ten hard, truthful reasons why I could never date Supergirl.

And here they are for your approval . . .

#1. SUPERGIRL IS ALL-GIRL and you guys know what that means. If she is a "super" girl, surely she has vanity. And with Supergirl, I am sure that she thinks that "it's all about her," even with I would take her to the finest restaurant I could afford, Deny's, Waffle House or my favorite, Huddle House. Sure she would "act" nice as to not hurt my mortal feelings, but inside, she would be thinking, "just look at these worldly-men gazing at my perfect body, hair, and legs." How do you think I could compete with her Super Vanity?

#2. SUPERGIRL IS EASILY-DISTRACTED and not with me one-hundred percent. We could be sitting and dining on whatever she wants, at my expense, and suddenly her super hearing tells her that a thug is beating up an innocent guy behind the Deny's where we are eating and in a flash, she is gone just about the time I am confessing my love for her. I would get as far as, "Supergirl, I am just so in . . .(SHE FLIES OFF) with you, I cannot stand it," and the other patrons would laugh their selves silly at me sitting alone talking to myself.

#3. SUPERGIRL CANNOT BE MORTAL enough to feed my humanity. What I mean is, a man feels things in his heart that no one else feels. How can Supergirl, a super-being from the planet Krypton, "feel" the hurt in my heart for a girl like her? She can't. She has super will-power and abilities to shun all mortal men's compliments and niceties. Here is how a typical "sensitive moment" with Supergirl would go: ME: Supergirl, I think you are THE most-gorgeous girl in the universe." SUPERGIRL: That's nice. What's for dessert? See? She can never be human enough to be my date.

#4. SUPERGIRL CAN BE HAD BY other guys besides me, but not like me. Take Aqua Man, The Flash, Thor, Iron Man and that pesky Incredible Hulk. They all want Supergirl for their date. So there again, how can I possibly compete with these super heroes? I didn't mention Superman because he is her cousin. So I would just be wasting my time taking Supergirl to the movies and expensive dinners when she really wants to be swept off her feet, literally, by The Flash. Or taken to the ocean's bottom by Aqua Man. I can't win.

#5. SUPERGIRL COULDN'T BE KISSED by men like me because she is endowed with "super" everything. And if I had hacked her off during our date, our one date, when I was kissing her good night, she would use her super-powered lips to crush my lips and face like a sausage grinder leaving me to look like John Merrick, the Elephant Man, and who would want me then?

#6. SUPERGIRL IS BAD FOR A MALE EGO especially when I seat her in a Waffle House in Tuscaloosa, Alabama and some uncultured redneck with a Georgia Dawgs cap on his head stumbles to our table and starts saying inappropriate things to my date, Supergirl. What could I do? Fight this jerk and get beaten within an inch of my life? Or let Supergirl, with one flick of her super-fist, send this troublemaker through the glass window and on his face in the parking lot? The latter would come into play. And I would spend the remainder of the evening with my head down feeling like a "sissy." And knowing Supergirl, she would let one of her super-giggles fly and I would feel even worse.

#7. WARDROBE FOR ME would be a definite deal-breaker. Supergirl would look fantastic in her blue, body-fitting costume, blue short shorts, red cape and red boots, but how would I look with just a pair of Dockers slacks and a sports shirt? Out-of-place. That's how I would look. And this, my inability to look "super," would bring more attention to Supergirl that maybe she didn't want for a while. But then again, I could use some red dye and dye a pair of my Hanes briefs red, buy a blue body-suit, use the red dye to dye a bath towel for my cape and buy a pair of red boots at a Halloween costume store and to top it off, wear a black mask like the Lone Ranger to keep my real name a secret. I would either do one of two things: Be a laughingstock or fit right in. Probably the first option. Be a laughing stock. With Supergirl laughing with her super-laugh and the shock waves sending me to the floor.

#8. SUPERGIRL CANNOT BE IMPRESSED by me or any mortal man. Let's say that my male ego foolishly drives me to say, "Supergirl, let's see who can drink this Coke in the can the fastest," and what an idiot I would be. She would win easily. She is Supergirl for decency's sake. She could drink a few gallon of Jack Daniel's No. 7 black label whiskey and not feel a thing, so one measly Coke in a can would be child's play and I would end up looking very stupid. And forget about arm-wrestling with Supergirl. I wouldn't want my arm drove through the table.

#9 SUPERGIRL'S JEALOUSY would get me into deep trouble. If Supergirl is really super, and has all the qualities of a real girl, then she has a streak of female jealousy especially when an old friend, maybe an old girlfriend of mine should walk by our table and wink at me just for fun. Then Supergirl, out of sheer jealousy, would use her heat vision and melt my old girlfriend into a pile of ashes. You see, no matter what comes up with dating, I could never date Supergirl for any reason.

#10. SUPERGIRL'S SUPER POWERS would easily-detect if I were about to cheat on her. Let's say that "I" got my feelings hurt so deep by Supergirl's attraction to The Thing, of The Fantastic Four, and had a weekend-fling with him, that I charmed Wonder Woman into going to Las Vegas with me to "hit a few tables," see a few shows and just get to know each other better. Supergirl would beat me to a pulp with no problem. "If that Wonder Woman does it for ya', then go to her," an angry Supergirl would say as she stormed away into the wild blue yonder.

. . .Leaving me to say to my new date, Wonder Woman, "Say, may I see that golden lariat you keep around your waist?"

And you know where this is headed.