Could A Non-Monogamous Relationship Be For You?
Have You Ever Thought About Having An Open Relationship?
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship, happy, but you felt like you were missing something? Or in better words . . . just like you weren't sure if you were happy with just this one person, yet? Maybe you didn't 'get it all out of your system' some like to say. Now I am sure when a lot of people read the title of this article they will naturally assume I am implying that you should sleep with every person you desire, and never take anyone seriously. Not at all. It used to be normal to casually date rather than meeting one individual and locking it down right away. If you want to date and have platonic relationships, go for it. If you want to date and have multiple sex partners, go for it. I do suggest being safe obviously and most importantly . . . have enough respect for everyone involved to allow them to know they are not the only person you are seeing. Respect for yourself and your partners are most important next to communication. Oh, how some people are really bad at this. That is okay. We all communicate very differently so it's up to you to find the healthy balance in regards of what works for you and that one person. However, what works for the two of you may not work for you and the other person. So you'll find a new way of communication. Expand your mind, perspective, and listening skills. You will be spoke to verbally and physically – it's up to your mental awareness to hear what is being said properly.
Our generation has lost its foundation of dating. It's more of a rat race, who can get the cheese the quickest. That is literal and figuratively speaking. We are seeing more people jump into these relationships off a surfaced based list of requirements and often no requirements at all besides a hot body and well known Instagram. Unfortunately we are not a list of things people can choose from – that is not love. Pure love is not seen with eyes but rather found within.
Imagine standing inside a bubble, stretching your arms out as far as you can, push hard, and popping the bubble. Now before that bubble was popped it was consumed with restriction, obligation, and expectations of what you thought you needed to be to impress a person. Most often when people make proclamations about themselves they are usually the opposite of what they are claiming to be. You have orchestrated the best parts of yourself to be seen because you want him or her to want you. It's in our nature, we want to be wanted. We're scared to show the real, authentic, and vulnerable pieces of ourselves at first in fear that we will be rejected. Social media, society's picture of what a relationship should look like, and the urge to be better than those around us has ruined the true experience of dating. This is why I think it is important and conducive to our mental and intimate growth to create an open and transparent friendship before you try to become intimate partners. In my experience, when I kept a relationship open it released the inevitable feeling of pressure. The energy between us was calm and more comfortable rather than me trying to keep up with a persona that would be good enough for another to desire me. Then eventually we would show the real parts of ourselves later once we get more comfortable. Have you ever heard someone say “ we were good the first year, but things have changed” and the most famous line amongst dating, “he is showing his real colors” why do you think this is? I think we all have some friends we are attracted to but we know we would never exhaust our energy trying to date this person have seeing their true character and values for others and their self. We tend to rush the whole process with a motive that is powered by intimation and insecurity: with a mindset that we have to make this exclusive as quickly as possible so no one else can get in-between what you have. We lost the mindset of connecting with a person beyond our shared items, life experiences, and anything superficial. You're trying to bring two very different perspectives, two different love languages, two different worlds, two different desires and needs, and trying to combine into one - that is where you fucked up. the sun and the moon do not come together as one - it would burn up in flames - however, they do work together to create a revolving functionable world to co exist in. You cannot create a co-dependent relationship and seriously think it's healthy or will work out over time.
A personal experience of my own:
I knew I wasn't anywhere near wanting to be in a monogamous relationship but I did want to see people. One weekend my best friend and I got ready for a pride festival in Orlando, FL. We talked about how many girls we would sleep with, how much we would drink, drink, and drink more. We were leaving a nightclub one night when I met a girl. We were standing on the sidewalk trying to get an Uber when I looked over my shoulder and saw a tall girl with long brown hair wearing a buttoned up shirt that was covered in flowers and birds, jeggings, and chucks. She walks over to our group because she knew one of the girls with us. She made a phone call and there we were, nine girls in one Uber back to our hotel. We sat on the side of the bed sharing our favorite songs, and I couldn't stop telling her how adorable her little curl was. Eventually she walked me back to my room where we said our goodbyes. The first thing I realized when I woke up was I never asked her name or her phone number. I woke my friend and told her to send a group text to our friends and find out who she is. It wasn't an hour later when I had her Instagram and that's where it started. We talked every day, nothing too serious, we hung out as friends, and then one day she asked what I was wanting from her. Well, I didn't know what I wanted but I did know what I didn't want – a girlfriend. We both agreed we had shared interest in each other and we both wanted to have sex with each other and other people. We made respectable boundaries – we would always tell one another if we hooked up with someone, no close friends, we wouldn't sleep together until a few days later if we slept with someone else. We would communicate anytime we didn't like something.
This was amazing. We were having great sex every chance we could. We were seeing other people. We would lay in bed and talk for hours, we'd go on long walks and talk even more. We'd swim in the ocean at night learning all the little things about each other we could ask. She was slowly becoming one of my closest friends. For the first I wasn't afraid to talk about all the things I keep out of a new relation-ship of whatever sort. Over time our friendship was looking a lot like a relationship but we didn't fight it. We just kept going on and allowing all the pieces fall together. I didn't ever think this was going to happen, for me, but I stopped looking at other woman or men as an option. I could appreciate their beauty and company but I didn't long for their intimate side anymore. One day I spent the day drinking and walking around downtown St. Pete with a beautiful girl. I've known her for about a year and I couldn't wait to get the chance to hang out with her alone. We packed a bag and got on her motorcycle. At one point in the evening she tried to hold my hand and it just didn't feel right. We worked our way back to her house and I tried to leave. She persisted that I stay because we had drank too much. I remember thinking oh shit. She's going to want to have sex. We shower and she turns on a movie. Of all movies she turns on Below Her Mouth. The most popular lesbian movie ever and there she is taking my pants off. As soon as she goes down on me I asked her to stop. I kept thinking of her. She knew how to touch me just right, she knew where to start, her hands, and her mouth is what felt like home. This was the day I knew I could be with just her and I'd be happy. Did I tell her that? Hell no. There was a bigger part of me that didn't want to change anything than the smaller piece that did. I did tell her that I loved her and she said loved me back. I know for certain if we had gone into this trying to keep us both locked away with only one option I wouldn't know her the way I do now. I wouldn't love her in the depth that I do.
Sex shouldn't be awkward
Sex – Oh. Sex should be fun, intimate, and spiritual at the same time. You should be able to laugh, bite, grab, scream, feel, and connect even more. The lights should be on so you can capture every moment along with every sensation running thru your body. Have you ever started seeing someone and you dreaded and looked forward to having sex at the same time? The dread of oh my god – this person is about to see me naked, what if they don't like it, what if I do the wrong thing, what will they think about, should I talk? What if i don't talk and it becomes more awkward. Girls overthink sex too, guys. Man, we worry about every detail as you may. And let me tell you it can be even scarier if you're a girl about to sleep with another girl for the first time. HALF the time a guy never gets us off, we are too good at faking it, and we shouldn't be. At least with a guy it's pretty simple. One goes in another. A girl . . . every woman responds so differently. Some girls need more time to warm up. Some girls get off internal and some get off externally. Some girls like friction and some do not. How many times have you had sex and you needed the light to be off and all you could hear was the breathing between the two of you? It was a race to see who could get off first. Did you feel connected or did you lay there wishing this experience could be different? It should not be like this. In my experience, the best sex I have ever had in my life was taking my time getting to know this person. I can remember the nights in detail where we would lay laughing on the beach talking about every experience, hysterically laughing at every embarrassing moment we could remember with ex's. The things we wish we could take back or the things we wished we did. Perhaps, the things we knew we would differently when we got to that point. We knew we were not even close to being there so we spent many days and hours learning every thing we could about each other. There was no pressure. We were uncertain but completely certain at the same time that this was it. We were it. I remember being so connected to this human that simply having our naked bodies wrapped into each others, It felt like the safest place I could be.
Ask Yourself What You Are Looking To Find First
Humans don't do well when we are told we cannot have something - we want it even more. So don't limit yourself and don't limit others from their creativity. It's not a game. Its often when we rush towards something we want - someone we want - we forget all the beautiful moments and gifts that are given along the way to bring us closer together. I suggest taking your time, expand your intelligence within each other, experiment, and find the brutal truths that lie under the thin layer we sometimes hide under. Sometimes we unconsciously hesitate to welcome people into our life because we feel like our space isn't good enough, so knock your own walls down, and allow as many people as you want in. You cannot fully connect with another if you aren't able to connect with your own self - become truthful to yourself and it'll be easier to be truthful to those around you. If you aren't happy with the relationship that you have with yourself how will you be happy in one with another person? Date as many people as you want and I promise you'll find many things within each person that welcomes you to a different point of view.