Why I ran away from true love
Afraid of love
As a seventeen year old college student I turned away from true love. And ran from the one chance I seem to have had in this life of a genuine friendship, free of resentments, baggage etc. I point this out as it remains a curiosity to me having had a strange dream where she was presented to me and I was asked whether I actually wanted a girlfriend. Without thinking I said No. But I've always been shy of the subject, brought up by women who tend to make sure they don't lose their power by keeping those they can down. This was done on an emotional level, they didn't need the physical, though I remember the soldier from next door would be brought round if I didn't start behaving soon on some occassions. On others I would be put into a home where they do terrible things to children! And at other times, though mainly when younger than however old this was I would be "hugged" so close and with such a grasp that I could barely breath, and told how much I was loved.
Well if this was love, and I've not really been allowed, given the space to question it. It never really came up in Counselling sessions. But "err! Not the next door neighbour!", when I excitedly whispered that I'd got a girlfriend, being about 5 or 6, my mum continued "I'd rather you go out with the girl round the block." whom the next doors three girls laughed at. While I wasn't interested in the girl round the block as anything other than a friend. And the next door girls seem to have pursuaded me to say yes after a time. My mum had given one sentence of dissaproval whilst we lazed about in her bed in the morning, and that was it. I told the girl that day it was the end. Straight away, long before I'd had any chance to learn what a relationship -even at that simple age-was. I remember this same incident repeated itself. Twice before the next door neighbour gave up on me and sought other avenues of learning and developing such skills. ...What was it to my mother anyway? What goes through her head sometimes even today beggers belief!!!
Aside from the next door neighbour trying half heartedly to set me up with other girls in our class years at junior school. Which never happened. That seems to be pretty much my complete experience of relationships. Until at lower senior school, another seemed to take an interest, but when it turned out only wanted a relationship at school. I can't quite remember now, I seemed annoyed at the attention of her friends, and their giggling made me think it was a joke. That I risked humiliation. It was near Valentines Day, though I'd never had a card or reason to get one, so it wasn't really on my mind. I walked straight past her in the corridor. My next door neighbour was furious with me "She'd got you a right nice card.", I was privately upset, but any chance of romance -or a card- had long gone. I think I tried to say sorry at some point after, but how do you appologise for that?
All the time this was happening, an uncle was using me as some kind of psuedo girlfriend, and as I grew older he would push for more than the mutual masterbations, and rugby baths after "Greek Athletics" (done on a beach while naked). It's worth mentioning because things like this confuse a child. Not so much in his sexuality as how safe it is or isn't to be sexual. And it is still to some degree unclear to me how far kids go when they talk about having sex. I feel sure it varies from person to person. In this case it was just childhood enfatuation. Had I been more emotionally stable I might've learned to kiss. (A curiosity turned fear at that time).
Move forward to 18. And having suffered much ridicule of being put down at school, and a manipulative and cruel bully having played lots of tricks and caused me to be bullied by his secret friends whom he'd tested out my weaknesses for. And despite much of his hatred being directed towards my house and family, surprisingly unknown to them though I'm sure I did mention some of it that he would boast to me on the way to school. Mum and Grandma held a debate when I tried to get away once and I heard Grandma announce "He has to have friends!", and so I was pushed out, forced onto them. And just accepted it after abit gave up trying to be free. I remember after one ncident where I'd had enough, I tried to reap revenge/"justice" by ripping his books up. I left them on the street for him to see when he delivered our paper. But some woodcutters came along and found them first. I should have left them on the doorstep, but didn't dare ask for them back. I wouldn't even go to the door when I couldn't produce them, he'd broken me down mentally over a long time at this point. Basically every-one could batter me in his mind. And I hate violence anyway. So when he came round Grandma answered the door, and after her investigation, he said straight to her "Tell him I'm going to kill him!", apparently they cost him over 100 pounds. Well, I couldn't afford that then, I can now but I still don't want to know him, and never will. I was 18 when I finally got him out of my life. And I don't think I've been so relieved except when I eventually found some-one I could tell and trust about the sexual abuse.. But these are another story/ies. On consideration, I would like to say, but can only wonder whether the interest shown in the girl at 17 whom this is dedicated to even if she has long since moved on by now. I can only wonder whether feeling that some-one could actually like me for something other than getting a valentine day card, gave me the courage, or helped me to find the courage to not be scared of his threats, and to certainly feel his comments designed to put me down and keep me there, much less. So. MD. Thank You for managing to help me find that at least, and Sorry, I felt powerless to take things further than your kind poem. And I will always remember.
At the time of he college course where we met, I was still under the thumb, things weren't great at home though I had just opened up. And while memories were still fresh of our brief inductoral meeting. I managed to break away from afore mentioned bully with a word to the domineering Grandma that if she tried to make me see him, I would disown her completely. It took another two years or more to get out of that house, situation of having to fight all the time to be heard let alone have my decisions for me even accepted.
Around the time of the induction, these "mates" still existed in my life. And the patterns were rife. The first thing that really hit home about said main bully, was when another mate, his puppet, told me he was going out with/"going with?" an 11 year old. Though she looked 16 or more, was even allowed in some pubs. (Isn't this a symptom of premature "promiscuous" behaviour?) Anyway, social law -ie. unnoficially, seems to allow this so long as you don't go too far. There were hopes that I might go out with her older sister, I think she was 14. I, sounding more like my Grandma in that her old fashioned religious values had rubbed off, refused out of site.
We remained friendly, talking in the group sessions, One day I would realise how fight shy I had / have become. Apparently there was a male, about my age, though I think a bit older who had his designs on her. Some-one said he was going to batter me for going with/going out with her. I pointed out I wasn't as she was too young. And that was pretty much most of our conversations anyway. He came down all swagger, seem to act strangely toward me having said Hello. Climbed a lampost to the very top, I think touch her abit, certainly gave her some hassle that while it was or seemed clearly unwelcome. I felt powerless to move in. And wonder to this day whether if we'd been going out I would have been able to move in. And this has consequences with all relationships I might have/have had.
I was 21 before I managed to get any kind of girlfriend, though she was a few years older than me, about a 12-14 year gap. And though I finally experienced kissing, and some lovemaking. This wasn't much, and went downhill with the relationship. My holding back didn't help. I think another pattern that has set itself deeply in. Though also it was the wrong woman really.