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Why Are We Afraid of Loving Freely?

Updated on October 2, 2016
We do have some thoughts in going into relationship and sometimes it overwhelm us.
We do have some thoughts in going into relationship and sometimes it overwhelm us.

The fear of loving

It goes back to the real and only source of unselfish love and that is God. God’s love for us is immeasurable, unquantifiable, endless and abundant. When we feel the real sense of loving we become generous to the one we love, all the things we do is focused to the one we love. But human as we are we have our weak points of self-centeredness, laziness, greed, malice, egotism, insecurities, jealousy, pride, and fear of being taken advantage which makes the real act of loving go out of our heart when we allow these weak points to invade our hearts.

The circular flow of love

In any kind of relationship it is like a circular flow where the wheel of love should be rolling. It rolls down from top to bottom and bottom to top. Why I relate it like a wheel because it manifest the role of the lover and the beloved. When one is at the top of the wheel one assumes the active role in the relationship he/she acts as the lover the giver and the person at the bottom take the passive role of being the receiver or the beloved. The lover and the beloved take turns to be the beloved and the lover. The fear of loving too much is when the balance is not met where the lover does not feel to be the beloved and vice versa. Each person in the relationship hold both being the lover and the beloved and not totally one or the other. Because perfect love in human sense is achieved when one have experienced to give love and to receive love. We cannot be only takers but givers as well.

This is the general human experience that we have . Except on those exceptional cases where reciprocity in the relationship has been challenged by either illness or accident where the other party becomes limited in showing their love. But generally without being righteous or preachy loving in our human nature works when there is give and take. The fear of loving freely or unconditionally is very normal. Because true and real loving requires a lot more than what we normally think of.

Which one are you?

Normally when we take the role of the lover in the relationship we assume responsibility. And for most of us taking responsibility for another person does not come easy. It requires maturity and commitment. To be the lover in the relationship most of the time means we tend to be the giver, and giving requires sacrifice and selflessness. Loving requires giving and that we are so frightened and scared to love so much because we will get hurt or can be taken advantage. The same is true when we take the role of the beloved. Being the beloved means we have to lose control. We take the passive side of being the receiver. We don’t have to do a lot, we tend to be content and satisfied with ourselves.

Living life independently

When we are used to living our lives independently we are unable to see this dynamics working in a relationship. We deprive ourselves of this opportunity of experiencing the whole spectrum of living. The challenge of becoming a better person lies in our ability to love ourselves and be able to give that love back. And the more we learn about this dynamics in human relationship the more we become authentic and more accepting we become.

A healthy relationship gives freedom

A healthy relationship promotes freedom to both parties to encourage and appreciate each other. The fear of loving much, dissipates when both parties knows that we need to take interchanging roles (lover and beloved ) in our relationship. There is no fear of losing our identity, no fear of being taken advantage, no fear of not being appreciated. Because when we lose the fear of loving, true authentic manifestation of love follows.

It is a journey to something beautiful

It took many years for me to realize this. But I was able to put it down to writing as I have experienced it. I have been married for nine years now and going strong. There is no better teacher than experience. True that relationships differ from each couple but it is universal for all to master this lover and beloved dynamics. To find love is elusive and keeping it is a journey. And in this journey unfolds so many learning and self discoveries that each parties in the relationship grows in love and authentic happiness.

Are you more of a lover than a beloved in your relationship ?

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It is in open healthy communication that we are understood
It is in open healthy communication that we are understood

Developing healthy communication in a relationship

  • Be honest of your feelings, don’t be afraid to stand up for your truth
  • Walk the talk, that build trust in the relationship
  • Respect each other’s views we don’t have the monopoly of opinion
  • Be generous to appreciate little things done for us by our partner – it help develops spontaneity of action


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    • Sheila Mcdowall profile imageAUTHOR

      Sheila McDowall 

      2 years ago from Darwin, Northern Territory Australia

      Thanks dashingscorpio for reading my article and for your comments. Totally agree we grow and mature as we learn in every relationship and commit to the person we share same values and beliefs.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      2 years ago

      "Why Are We Afraid of Loving Freely?"

      More often than not it has to do with one's past heartache, disappointment, or betrayal. "Once bitten twice shy."

      Generally speaking during our youth we gladly give 100% of ourselves to our "first love". Unfortunately for most of us that's during our teenage years when we have unrealistic expectations combined with raging hormones and emotion immaturity.

      Once someone has their heartbroken the natural thing to do is to go about trying to make sure it never happens again. Their first instinct is hold back emotionally, maintain some distance, or avoid monogamous relationships altogether. They don't fully "trust" the people they date.

      It's only through maturity and wisdom that we get to a place where we take responsibility for choosing our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      If you go to the store to buy an apple but purchase an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No!

      You learn to become a "better shopper"!

      If someone has had one bad dating experience after another it's probably time they reexamine their mate selection criteria.

      The only thing all of your failed relationships have in common is (you).

      In order to love "freely" one needs to believe they have met someone who shares their same values, wants the same things for the relationship that they do, naturally agrees with them on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      (It takes time to determine this!)

      It's okay not to fall head over heels in love during the first three months!

      Don't force yourself to trust someone or be more giving than you're comfortable with. Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      If he or she is "the one" you will come to trust and love them "freely".

      Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart.


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