- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
Why Wives Do Not Like Sex and What Husbands Can Do
Why Sex Gets Old In Marriage
Listen up guys. I have something important to share with you about women’s interest in sexual activity. What makes me an expert, you ask. I have taught interpersonal relationships in the college academic environment for 20 years and the value of sex to women was a significant part of the curriculum. How men can understand and satisfy their wives’ emotional and sexual needs was an important component. Most women have both needs and these needs cannot be separated. Men often perceive that women can live without sex, but most cannot; women can easily, however, postpone their need for sex. Today, more than ever, women need the support and gratification that can be found in the proper emotional and physical relationship.
So, what does this mean to the man who wants to have sex on easy terms? It means an overhaul of his practices if he wants to have a gratifying sex life. Once the passionate love-making period has passed and the daily problems of life rise to the surface, sex will not be so easy to initiate. Most men are ready for sex at the drop of a hat……or something. Women are not usually capable of immediate responsiveness to the man’s readiness.
Two problems exist. The first problem is the manner of a woman’s biological and psychological makeup. Her response to an overture for sex is governed by physical and psychological functions that are often beyond her control. Yes, beyond her control. But, not beyond a man’s control.
Let’s discuss for a moment what a woman needs before she can feel a readiness for sex. I know it comes as a surprise that the sight of your awesome body doesn’t do it, but while she is pleased with you in every way she does not translate that pleasure into a desire for sex. It’s disappointing, I know, but it is true.
If we look closely at the life of women for the past twenty years, at least, we see a steady increase in their responsibility for work both outside the home and in the home. Many women now work fulltime to meet the needs of the family, and they continue to have the responsibility for cooking, house cleaning, and nurturing children. The labor saving devices that women were told would free them from the burdens of the home have only made time for running the children from one event to another, or serving on the local school parents’ association board or some other similar job. Her life is one demanding task after another. Raising children is not a task for the weak.
Now we throw into the mix such tasks as grocery shopping, picking up the dry cleaning, consoling the aging parents, menu planning on a budget, and ensuring that the children’s’ medical and dental needs are taken care of. Can’t forget house cleaning and the laundry.
Often a fulltime job is a fulltime problem. The work world today is not filled with desires to ease the burden of the employee. Nurses, for example, are expected to take care of more patients, and the families of the patients while doing more paperwork. Sales staffs are expected to sell more. Women often work under as much pressure as men do.
Guys, when you come home from work what do you do? What is the first comment you make? What is the first observation you make? Chances are good that the answers to these questions are not what they should be. Your wife is looking for emotional connection and support. She needs to be understood. She may need to share her day with you while you are attentive and respond with understanding and verbal support. This is an important time in her day. You need to treat her as an important part of your life at this time. She may, of course, need to wait but do not take this as a desire to keep her day bottled up. A divisive result comes from ignoring a woman when she needs to do activities with you or talk with you about life issues or interests.
A nice hug, a gentle kiss and some soft words of caring are going to go a long way even if she is very upset. Eventually, she will remember these words and these actions.
Guys need to be a part of meal preparation or cleanup. If you want to endear yourself to your wife just start with helping her with the mundane tasks. Bring home a rose or a thoughtful card, make the bed ready for the night’s rest, take over the care of the children for an hour so she can have some quiet time to herself, and learn how to do the laundry and clean the oven.
Find a quiet time to set down and talk about whatever is on her mind. Perfect the art of non-judgmental listening. Work to make this time available. Perhaps she will not be ready to talk but the offer is important.
Improving a relationship with a woman requires that the man shows he cares for her and that he cares about her. These are two distinctly different acts. For example, I care about the poor children of the Sudan but I do not have the capability to care for them. Guys can show that they care for their wife by taking steps to make her life better and ease her daily burdens. Don’t assume, however, that she wants you to fix everything she talks about. She doesn’t.
Respect should be at the top of any list of ways to treat a woman and the actions above will result in showing your respect. But, there is more that is needed. Compliment your wife, but do it sincerely. Women can see through a false compliment quickly. Let her know that you are there for her in providing for her comfort, addressing her needs and supporting her activities.
Let’s not overlook the three devastating acts a man can commit that will hurt his wife beyond repair, and often he is not aware of the damage he has caused even though common courtesy dictates otherwise. Do not look at other women in a lustful way in the presence of your wife, and it is wise not to look at all. AND do not comment on the physical attributes of other women and do not compare other women to the one you love.
Protect your wife’s heart. Don’t hurt it and don’t break it.
Now we have begun to establish what women require before they can engage in sex with enthusiasm. Women need the emotional connection with their spouse and the resulting emotional support.
Let’s assume this is in place and keep in mind that all of this will not happen in one night. The next concern is approaching the subject of sexual activity. If a woman feels emotionally satisfied she will be more willing to engage in sex. However, every woman has developed, consciously or otherwise, receptivity to an approach that is uniquely hers. Learn that approach. Is it a glance, a touch of the hand, a whispered word, a suggestive hug, or some other invitation a guy extends.
A woman that is frazzled from her day’s activity may not be ready at all that night. Respect this and work for another night. Don’t expect a woman to drop everything and jump in bed when you walk through the door just because your day would end better if it included sex. Very few women can or will do this after a few years of marriage.
Take the often missed opportunity to hug your wife and kiss her without expectations. Men need to express intimacy in ways other than sexual.
Wives Expect Their Husbands to Practice Personal Hygiene
Guys, you make think sweat is masculine and a rough, unshaven face is fine, but most women do not enjoy these unpleasant characteristics. Dirty finger nails are a turnoff. Bad breath needs no elaboration. If the bedroom floor is covered with your dirty clothes you are telling your wife you do not care about her.
Loose a couple of words from your vocabulary when talking with your wife. Throwing the word “but” into a sentence negates every word before it. For example; darling I like you’re cooking, but could you lighten up on the seasonings. Why not say: darling I love your cooking and I wonder if some of the seasoning could be changed?
The word “why” is judgmental and should not be used in a conversation with your wife. For example, why did you plant those flowers in the front yard? Better, to say: what were your thoughts about where to plant the flowers?
The Ebb and Flow of Married Life
Every state of life, every decision, includes some pain that must be accepted if you are to enter fully into those decisions, and into new life. There are no perfect decisions, no perfect outcome, or perfect life. When we accept that we have to work at showing our wives love, our relationships becomes more satisfying, joyful and peaceful.
The Final Word
There is no one size fits all solution. However, the comments above will help the majority of guys find a more gratifying sex life. One final piece of advice: find out what physical stimulation appeals to your wife (if you are not sure and you may not be) and do not rush her.