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Why Do Women Choose Losers?

Updated on August 4, 2017

The Perennial Victim

This is a very sad subject and I will try my best to be sensitive, but I truly believe that if I am too soft and pull punches (no pun intended) then I will not be doing my readers any favors.

Scenario: Our story revolves around a young lady who we shall call "Judy". Judy is thirty something, has three kids by the same guy who we shall call "L" for, you got it, "Loser". Judy is young, bright, hard-working and everyone loves her.

L is big, funny, handsome in a boyish way, and athletic. He has lots of friends. He is very popular. Unfortunately he is also marginally unemployed, a drug addict (meth, coke, crack, alcohol, take your pick), and abusive to women.

Recently, Judy came back from a hard day at work to find her boyfriend L barricaded in their apartment, holding the kids hostage. She pounded on the door, begged, and pleaded but L would not let her in. Judy smelled crack and pot smoke in the air. She panics, calls her mother (who has told her countless times to leave the bum) who promptly calls the cops. The SWAT team arrives and sets up outside the complex, but L won't come out.

Sounds like an episode of COPS huh? Judy's mom goes straight through the cops and beats on the door, screaming at L to open up. Finally she just crawls through an open window, gets the three kids (crying hysterically) and comes out. It turns out that L is no match for an enraged grandma.

The cops storm the place and take L into custody.

Happy ending right? No way. L's dad is rich so he gets him a good lawyer who pleads him out to a lesser charge and L gets rehab and some community service plus time served. Oh yeah and a Restraining Order to keep him away from Judy and the kids. Getting better anyway, right? You'd think so but you would be wrong.

Don't Be a Victim! Contact the YWCA for Help
Don't Be a Victim! Contact the YWCA for Help

You Chose Him

Judy and the three kids (ages 1, 2, and you guessed it, 4) move into grandma's house. Judy promises that this time it's over and she will never see L again. Grandma loves the grandkids, believes her, and takes them in of course no questions asked. After all there is a restraining order and L is still in rehab.

One month after that L gets out of rehab, promptly goes and gets drunk, goes to grandma's house and threatens poor old grandma (who is neither poor nor particularly old). Grandma calls the cops but L is long gone by the time they get there and anyway it is low priority on the police scale of importance.

Judy gets mad at grandma for interfering and takes the kids back (crying hysterically) and moves back in with L, who promises for the millionth time that THIS time it's different.THIS time, he's changed for good. Two months later she is pregnant once again with mistake number four.

A month after that Judy gets worried when L does not show up for three days straight, then goes and finds him holed up in a crackhouse with a hooker.

Judy and the kids move back in with grandma.

Why Do Some Women Put Up With This Type of Behavior?

All of this is true and of course this is just one remarkable incident in Judy's history with L. We are talking about years and years of physical and mental abuse and anguish generated by one cowardly Loser. Not to mention the trauma and mental scarring of the innocent children, or the poor grandma.

Why would a woman with so much promise take so much abuse. True Love? Force of Habit? Selfishness? The need for a good project perhaps (man fixing)?

I would not allow this kind of guy to get near my daughter. What would you do if this happened to your Judy, your own loving daughter?


For your sake and for the sake of your children and all of the people that love you, you must run as fast as you can the other way.

You can make all of the excuses you want, how much he promises to change, but you know what? Very, very few people in life actually change their ways. That is just Hollywood baloney and you can't afford to keep taking that chance. The odds are stacked against you. And it is not your responsibility to get him cleaned up. He needs to do that for his own sake. Your responsibility is to your children and to grandma.

And let's be totally honest. Deep down you know whose fault all of this is. Deep down you know it is ALL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. You deliberately chose this Loser!

After he hit you, you went back to him. After he beat you senseless and put you in a hospital, you took him back and had your first baby. After you caught him in bed with other women, you got angry and left, but took him back after two weeks. Then you had another baby. When he had that DUI and they arrested him and found the crack pipe under the back seat and they told you that, by the way, he had a transvestite hooker with him, you still took him back (weary now, tired of fighting, angry at yourself, thinking of suicide). Why? Why?


But until you acknowledge that it is your responsibility and that you need to make permanent changes in how you perceive and love yourself first, then you will continue to go back to this type of abusive relationship.


There is help out there. You are not alone. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at can help you. Your local Police Department can help you. Attorneys can help you. Please get help.


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    • profile image


      5 years ago

      You will never catch a woman who knows their self worth with a loser man.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      Desperation and low self esteem. They are weak and that is why they deal with these type of men.

    • profile image

      The One 

      6 years ago

      I too have a similar story....Women I have found want to be the center of attraction so they pick the nerd. A guy who worships them and will roll over for them. Usaually the nerd unconditianlly love and forgive the woman for all ills. The film Forest Gump is a very good barometer, the woman goes off and tries this and that, and then keeps the nerd in a glass Emergency in case of being,left alone break glass. Women will marry the Nerd, who makes and treats them like the alpha female, on the provisio he has money and lets her do what she wants. She will have gone here thing, shaggging men, even lesbian experimentation and they return to the guy with money and who will never leave her May for a moment feel they will not be able to cope with a man who with a man who will leave them, and where tey are not the jewel in the crown. So they pick the Nerd who will let the do anthing, fund their holidays and so fouth and will let them hog the limelght.

    • bludstream profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Thanks for your insight. You nailed it on the head when you say "we THINK we are not pretty, thin, or smart enough". I believe that many beautiful women are overly critical of their own appearance and if they can't become the idealized version of themselves, they are somehow not worthy of being in a normal relationship. I define a normal relationship as one where both partners respect each other. Love is a whole other thing and I can't get into that, but at the very least each partner deserves to be treated fairly with honesty and respect.

    • profile image

      6 years ago

      Many times we as women choose scumbag, loser, poor ass bums because we think we are not pretty, thin or smart enough to get a sweet, loving, ambitious man so we get mean, lazy abusive wastes of oxygen. you know the type? they don't deserve to live. Fellow Women, ignore the loser. don't validate these douchebags with your attention and love. losers are meant to suffer and be alone unless they can wise the hell up!

    • bludstream profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      A lot of women don't, but many do unfortunately.

    • Ez Kay profile image

      Ez Kay 

      7 years ago

      Nice hub but i think that women don't choose losers.


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