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Why Women Sometimes Don't Like Mustaches

Updated on May 17, 2014
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Andrea loves to write on the zodiac, Myers Briggs, and texting. She is an expert on romance and relationships. She also has two cats.

Of course plenty of women don't mind a little bit of fur above your upper lip, but if you want the truth as to why some might find it squeamish to draw closer to you and your mustache, here's perhaps some truth on your furry little friend. This is satire so please don't take this too seriously. ;)

*Note: for most women I would say they should go with the mindset of not talking about their distaste in your facial hair at all as this is trivial and you should have the luxury to do whatever you want with your facial hair.

Now onward to the mustache! It has tripled in popularity in the past five years. I thought the hairy caterpillar had become an extinct species, but

no the men have brought it back.

For those of you who are not experts on what a mustache is:

It is facial hair growth above the upper lip, it may or may not be accompanied with a beard, muttonchops, or goatee. The word mustache comes from the French, and is a derivative of moustacio from the Italians.

Famous mustaches include:

Theodore Roosevelt

Mario

Tom Selleck

Charlie Chaplan

and

Mark Twain

Here it goes...

1. Mustaches are still in connotation with creepers, old smelly men and porn stars. Old professors and -- worst of all -- father figures. This isn't exactly appealing to women, and could even scare them as it reminds them of a whole list of people they would prefer had never existed.

2. Kissing you with hair all up on our face is uncomfortable. We want you. Not your hair fad.

3. That thing collects food crumbs, germs, snot, and lord knows what. That thing is dirty.

4. We don't want to make out with someone who looks like the circus ring master. You're hurting our capability to go into the imaginative world, so please don't distract us when you're a lovely person hiding behind that strip of hair.

5. If you can't grow a full beard, hiding behind a mustache is the equivalent of hiding behind a comb over. The man who is bold enough to shave his head in this situation wins points with the woman. We like hair -- but only lush hair.

6. It starts to become obnoxious seeing how much you'll invest in your booger friend from buying a mustache comb, mustache wax, to standing in front of the mirror. We start to wonder if the mustache is who you're really dating. Is booger friend getting in the way in between us? Not just physically... because that's evident, but emotionally too? Screw that piece of facial hair!

7. Mustaches make you look ridiculous. Rarely if ever manly. Twirling your mustache reminds us only of things that need to stay in the past, like giant muscle men riding on unicycles. Sure, this may ooze manly to you, but to the women -- it just screams of insanity.

8. If you're so inclined to go to a mustache convention to show off your facial hair, well Bob, it's gone way too far. You're too attached to what your facial hair can offer. I have no idea what may go on in these conventions, but it seems like a poor investment.

9. Like Clark Kent with the glasses and not the glasses, the mustache really can make you seem like a different person; it can make us wonder if we're dating the same person we were previously or if he was kidnapped by an evil twin who used to hangout at train tracks to tie women down for their impending doom.

10. Villains wear mustaches.

11. Knowing different names of mustaches is not attractive, it leaves us concerned, in a jokingly way.

12. A little stubble is attractive and not so offensive, but a mustache is generally not your best friend, he's your goofball side. It's difficult to have a serious conversation with you and a twirled up piece of hair.

13. Your mustache is whatever you want it to be, but it makes us wonder what kind of signal you are trying to give us and why you would let come at the cost a beautiful smile.

14. So what if you look younger with your face shaven?

15. We want to caress every inch of your face with our hands. That mustache, the lone mustache, is kind of distracting.

16. It's distracting in weird ways and becomes too much of a conversation piece. Like, I wonder how many things I can hang on your mustache before it folds to the weight.

17. Theodore Roosevelt had an excellent mustache, and it fit his time period, but that's partly because Theodore is the closest human being we have had to a demi-god so he could get away with certain fashions that you and I never will. We will never be Teddy Roosevelt. And that's okay.

18. Sweaty mustaches are almost as bad as a sweaty unibrow.

19. What do you really want us to focus on? Your dreamy eyes and manly jawline, or your nose boogers caught in the feathery nest between your lip and nose?

20. If this makes you look more like your father, you're just being cruel. She wants to date you, not your father, and not her father.

21. Mustaches are often synonymous with the bad level of hipsters. Some hipsters are cool, some need a punch to the solar plexus.

22. A mustache doesn't make the man, the man makes the man by his actions.

23. A mustache may age you too much when she may be looking for something more relatable.

24. Some of you have odd colored hair, and odd colored mustaches look strange.

25. You're not selling fried chicken.

26. Women can grow mustaches too, so it's not envy.

27. You might not care, but would it annoy you if she didn't shave her legs? Or if she cut her hair drastically short? Would you feel like you were dating a boy?

28. Mustaches don't unite, they confuse.

29. I'm sorry... I can't hear a word you're saying... you're mustache is so loud that I forgot my own name.

30. Sometimes... it looks like the worst kind of hair was found and glued to your face.

31. Invest in a better razor and quit being so cheap.

32. Mustache fetishes are funny, but seriously, what?

33. Your mustache is like the whiskers of a dog or cat.

34. Work more on your muscles than your facial hair growth.

35. Focus more on keeping the top of your lush hair alive... longer.

36. Stop putting all your manhood into the mustache.

37. A man who is too attached to his facial hair is not a man at all.

38. You should definitely have one when you are single just in case you run into a woman who will be displeased by the smallest hair patch in history.

39. This should never be worn by a high schooler.

40. You're beautiful. You don't need the hair piece.

41. I'd rather you have a mustache than plastic surgery.

42. If you're getting a transplant for facial hair... you are poor with your money.



And in case you need a pick me up, here's some Disney princesses rocking beards.


Use your powers of mustache wisely. Incorrectly and it could send the wrong message to your sweety, friends, co-workers, etc. Don't let the mustache get in the way of you having an extraordinary social life not just with other mustache enthusiasts, but also those who may be put off by too much scruff. Mustaches are often used for comedic power, though sometimes seen in crazy dictators. By being selective about when you don your mustache and not letting it control you, will help you to have better sensibilities. A mustache could turn you into a world conqueror or the next great comedian. Women swoon over men with strong principles and integrity, if they don't then you really should reconsider why you are spending so much time with a woman anyway.

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