I'm Too Sexy For My Hubpages Account
I get this everywhere I go -- wow, you're amazing looking and this and that. People think just because I'm an object of immense female adoration that somehow I don't have a mind as well. I want to be regarded as more then just a piece of meat. My curse, unfortunately, is that I have a body that is beautiful in a way that men are normally never blessed. I have a perfect six pack abdominen with a natural glisten, I have a chest that is hairless with pointy superflicious nipples. I can benchpress 450 pounds and run the 100 yard dash in less then 11.34 seconds. I can also eat up to 50,000 calories at one sitting and only gain muscle. When I go to India, the cab drivers take me to only the stores where I can be assured to save money, and they even seem in the habit of paying ME for the honor of riding in their cab. It is their hope, afterall, that I "enjoy my stay in India".
In 1988, I was offered the role of John McClain in a movie called "Die Hard". I remember the auditions. Bruce Willis was there from the show Moonlighting. He saw me and started crying. I said what's wrong, sucker? He said oh -- he was so confident I was gonna get the role but then he saw me my cheese grader abs and realized it could never happen. I said it's due to my man junk too. He agreed. But then when the producers came out, I decided to have them give the roll to this Bruce guy instead. I mean why not? It was a Christmas film. Consider it a gift, Brucie.
I was the also the guy who started the band Ween. The name actually was "Weer" based off the sound my girlfriend's cat makes when I toss its bitch ass out on the patio.
The idea for Urkel to be the central focus of Family Matters was my idea. I slept with one of the producers. (I had many ideas she liked).
Then I won 3 Stanley Cups with the New York Islanders. But they took our championships away because all my teammates bitched to Gary Bettman who tried to pay them in Canadian dollars. Bettman didn't like their nerve. So he cut their heads off with a samurai sword in front of 20,000 joyous New Jersey Devil fans holding their kids up over the glass to hit in the head by pucks (and heads). Bettman is like the Tony Blair of Paul Tagliabue's toilet chocolate, and he banned me from the league for getting it on with the girl from Life with Derek.
But I didn't come here to toot my own horn. That's what the Life with Derek girl is for. The reason we're here today, is to explain something that is surely of grave importance to the female population on hubpages, and that is if there is in fact a mathematical equation that can explain and pinpoint the root of my sexiness.
1. No, there isn't. My daddy was a player, and his genes are now embedded IN my hot body.
2. I'm so sexy, my female readers on hubpagers often ask me to recite my latest hubs in person rather then type them.
3. I'm so sexy I cause six-car-pile-ups whenever I sell oranges on the expressway.
4. I'm so sexy Nike wants to just do me.
5. I'm the reason owls can't sleep at night.
6. My skin is an ice cream flavor.
7. I'm not so hot...hot is so me. Hot needs to go for a tanning treatment or get it's nails done before it can look "me".
8. I'm what trees of green see. Red roses too.
9. One time I cut myself shaving, and a whole bunch of onions sitting on the kitchen counter began to cry.
10. My pheromones are available in glass jars at Macys.