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Dating Advice: Men and Commitment. If It's True Love Why Does he Back Off ?

Updated on November 13, 2016
Don't be blue, because he walked away from you.  Your true love is near !
Don't be blue, because he walked away from you. Your true love is near ! | Source
True love also has moments that are dark and gray !
True love also has moments that are dark and gray ! | Source
Ask yourself.... Search your heart.... Is it really love?
Ask yourself.... Search your heart.... Is it really love? | Source

He Just Said "I LOVE YOU".

Why Does He Push Me Away !!

So your man just finally said those three magical words you had been dying to hear. He took your hands, paused for what seemed an eternity, looked you deep in the eyes and then while you waited with baited breath, he whispered, "I love you babe and I can't live without you." Amidst the flood of emotion, fluttering of your flaming heart, the trickling tears and the quivering of your lips, you try to regain some semblance of composure before you return your vows of commitment. As he drives away that evening, you call all your girlfriends to share the wonderful news. You can already see the future, ever so clearly, with its intimate wedding, little love shack, white picket fence, a couple babies running around and the prospect of sharing the rest of your life with the man of your dreams, who said without a stutter, "I love you". Why then the sudden, unprovoked change two days later? What makes your lover-boy start a slow but steady retreat, like receding flood waters? Why does he send you mixed messages; one minute the "I love you" and the next, what seems like a, "please leave me the hell alone."

The Fear of Commitment is Real.

I have heard it time and time again, "What happened? Why the unexpected "pulling away" or otherwise, "pushing me away"? A close friend of mine had a special someone in her life for a very long time and they not only had great chemistry but had been the best of friends for decades. Every time their relationship advanced and she expected a commitment, he would sabotage both their efforts and recreate a daunting distance. His reason was always the same, words that implied, "Too much, too soon" or he just simply was not ready. The writing was on the wall and we both determined that her man was basically afraid of commitment. He was fine up to the point of expressing his feelings but apparently after she started sharing about her dreams for their future, subjects like settling down, moving in together, marriage or children, he would systematically start finding the most bizarre reasons why they would not work out, which ultimately would lead to a cooling off period or a premature, temporary end of the relationship. My friend, on a constant roller coaster ride, dealt with that for several years until she made the right decision, which in her case was to leave him the hell alone. He was an "eternal bachelor". He was afraid of the implications of and steps that followed the professing of their love for each other. In his overburdened mind and heavy heart, he probably cared and had strong feelings of affection for her, but he did not have enough courage and devotion to take the relationship into the "exclusive stage". He was scared of marriage, commitment and losing his status as an eligible bachelor. I firmly believe that with some serious counseling, an eternal bachelor could overcome his fear of commitment and eventually become a viable prospect and winner at love.

You Think It's Love But Are You Just His Booty Call?

My next category of men, the Timeless Users, sadly seems to be growing. Trust me, you know the type. You can find them, a dime a dozen, regularly trolling dating websites. Some have been serial daters for years or decades, quick to pledge their love via the lure of the internet's web to ladies who desperately seek true love and honest relationships. How insane is it when a person professes love to one he has only chatted with online or on the phone and not actually met? To be clear, I do believe in love at first sight but I simply find it highly suspicious when someone claims to love another before an initial date or even soon after an initial first date. If an online or even offline relationship seems too good to be true with your suitor saying everything you want to hear and profestations of love coming at you at warped speed, its time for you to question if his motives are pure and to dig deeper to determine what he is really after. Any man who qualifies as a TIMELESS USER has a singular motive, and does and says whatever is necessary to achieve his ultimate goal which is to get you into the sack. He primarily wants the conquest, another stripe on his shoulder and the thrill of the kill. Once this man accomplishes his goal, employing every trick In the game book, including but not limited to professing his love, he will start slowly retracting or completely withdraw. Suddenly it's a sob story, "I don't think this is going to work out after all" or "you are perfect but not for me". What happened to all his declarations of love, you are left wondering. If he is a total scum bag, he may simply stop texting, calling, emailing or block you completely from his profile. Then tomorrow you will find his profile on another website as he lurks for his next gullible prey. So, a gentle reminder, sisters, stop "putting out" too soon!! Save yourself from possible heartache. Beware of the sweet, smooth talkers who seem to want to eliminate the courtship and dating and go straight to the "You are the one for me and I love you". Also, be cautious of how you conduct those initial dates!! Fallng in love is a sweet, slow and satisfying process. It is a marathon that requires emotional stamina for a relationship that lasts for the long haul rather than a sprint that leads to exhaustion, muscle cramp, love and sex that all end at the finish line.

Did I Just Say I love You? My Bad!

My final category is Mr. Oops did I just say, I love you? Mr Oops is a sweet guy. You have been going out with him for a while. You two have a great relationship. He loves to hang out with you and every time you are together, everything seems so right. Maybe it was on one of those occasions. You were having a wonderful time enjoying the most stunning of sunsets after an evening of frolicking on the seashore. You shared a couple glasses of wine, some slices of fruit and cheeses and you both were enthralled by the sounds of crashing waves against the shore. Perhaps the soft moonlight highlighted your hair and eyes, just right. He looked into those said brown eyes and in that moment couldn't imagine life without you and then came those three, little words, that would change everything forever, "I love you". In the excitement and without skipping a beat, you reassure him that you love him too. Whatever happened the next day you might ask, when all your calls go unanswered? You are startled to find three days later, when you get together with some friends for a game of pool, that your man pretends like if nothing ever happened. You start to wonder if maybe you had consumed too much wine, and that it never transpired after all. Or maybe, it was all a dream? Perhaps, your mind was playing tricks on you, you decide. He is still cordial. He talks and laughs with you, but about that exchange of "I love you", there is no mention. Girlfriends, sadly, this is a case of, "Ooops, did I say I love you?" Your guy unfortunately got caught up in the beauty of a moment. It felt like the right thing to say, but it was a premature verbal ejaculation. There is hope though, for Mr. Ooops. He is still a contender. He said the words but was not ready for the commitment. I am uncertain as to whether its a good idea to bring up the subject. If you chose to, you could express how much you enjoyed that evening and set the stage for open dialogue. At best, if he really did not mean the "I love you", you both can still maintain your deep friendship from which true love could potentially grow. Hopefully, awkwardness does not end the friendship if love is not in the cards for you both,

So there can be a few reasons why your guy makes off just after the pledge of love as if he was being chased by a cheetah. We must identify which category he falls into. I guess that the most important thing is to determine as soon as possible, whether our prospect is a Mr. Eternal Bachelor, the TImeless User or Mr Ooops did I say, I love you. One thing is for sure and that is, love is a doing or action word. Anyone can say I love you but what matters the most is expressing that love. Whenever we are told, "I love you", we must give it time to take effect. Since true love is eternal, does not fade and stands the test of time, give your man an opportunity to digest what he has professed and then time to back it up by actions. I think that most of us ladies can become too overzealous at times. We generallly tend to be navigated by our emotions while our male counterparts can be more analytical. While we are all caught up in the afterglow of the "I love you", he is probably trying to process how its going to change his life.

Give Relationships Time To Mature

Give your relationships the time they need to mature, like fine cheese or wine. It takes time to get to know each other and to determine if you are truly compatible. Over time you realize whether or not you have found the recipe for true love in each other. I am not against the concept of love at first sight, but I believe that it is a rarity. Whatever you do, take the time to weed out the undesirables. There is no room in your life for the Mr. Eternal Bachelors and Mr. Timeless Users of the world. Keep Mr. Oops did I say I love you around as a friend, keeping in mind that he may or may not ever come around. This guy may be a friend forever, so keep looking !

The right one might be a search away. Go Fishing here !!!


© 2011 Michele McCallister


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    • greenmind profile image

      GreenMind 12 months ago from USA

      This is a wise and good-hearted hub. Nice job.

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      stacy 3 years ago

      I broke up with my boyfriend one month ago. We had been dating for 2 years but were in each other's lives for 3.5 years. I asked him on NYE if he was in love with me because he hadn't said it yet. He said he didn't know what love was, that true deep love takes time to develop. True but the love has to start. A week later I told him to think about how I feel knowing he is not in love with me and where he sees the relationship. He said he was happy I was in his life and wants to make me happy. We had a good relaionship, minimal issues. It hurt to know after all this time together he didn't love me. I got turned off. Eventually it bothered me so much that I ended it. It's been 4 weeks since I've seen or talk to him. No contact. I miss him. I wonder if I made a mistake. Maybe I should've kept waiting. He didn't fight for me. Maybe it's for the best. Don't I deserve to be with a man who is in love with me and can say it?

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 4 years ago from USA

      Hi Krystal, I felt sad as I read your message. It is so very difficult to invest two years in a relationship, then come to learn that your partner is unsure of your future together. Do try, as painful as it is, to give him a few points for being honest about his feelings. Keep an open mind about your get together next Friday. Remember that there is a possibility that what you want may not necessarily be the desire of his heart. An important question is do you both love each other? He may love you but might not be ready to settle down. If that is the case, then you need to decide if you are willing to wait and if he is worth the wait. If on the other hand, he is uncertain that he even wants to be in the relationship and even questions his love for you, then he needs to take a time out and examine his feelings for you and his relationship goals. As tough as that would be, Krystal, it is better to know now, cry now and move on. For your sake, as I sense that you deeply care for him, I hope that it works out as your heart desires. Feel free to contact me and keep me updated as to how it goes.

      Thanks for stopping by and I am pleased that you enjoyed the article.

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      Krystal66 4 years ago

      This is a great Article!

      My boyfriend(28) and I(29) have a relationship a little bit more than 2 years. I always enjoy every moment with him, we share a lot of same values, lots of hobbies, we enjoy our time together and there's always laugh and happiness on us. He's very easy to talk to and we are all very comfortable been with each other. I've always believed he's the ONE until recently after a small fight, he told me he subconsciously feel that he cannot meet my expectations and maybe it's good to end the relationship. I freaked out, I don't know what to do, tears keeps coming out of my eyes, I don't believe the man I put in feelings for 2 years tried to push me away so easily. So I asked him if he's not sure about my expectations why assumes it. After a long thinking period, He finally agreed to move on and spend more time together to figure out questions/concerns in his subconscious. After that talk, I cannot put myself back to where I was. I questioned myself what does it mean to him for the 2 years we spent together? Because He did not seem to even care when pushed me away. I went read a lot of articles online, we even talked about our expectations for an ideal future life we each is looking for. It was really a looooong night, and then the commitment question popped out in my head. I asked him in 1 year to 1.5 years, will he able to make a commitment decision. He clearly told me to be honest he feel cannot make a commitment in 1.5 years. Not to me, just in general as himself. This time, I feel way calmer, I feel a decision needs to be made. He told me he needs 1 week to figure out and we are going to meet up next Friday to talk. Do you think I should expect anything?

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 4 years ago from USA

      Oh Blogster, relax. This article is in no way, a generalization of all men. What I have attempted to do, with some degree of wit, is show some reasons why a man may "cool off" or completely step away from the one he is dating. Indeed, women are often guilty of the same behavior. I am not insinuating that men are always the culprit guilty of using, abusing and leading his lady on. I said, "Give relationships the time to mature, like cheese or wine. Over time, both parties, if true to each other, will get to know what each other really wants. Over time, you find out if you are indeed compatible."

      You must also jest when you state that it is only a woman's fantasy when a man says, "I love you babe and I can't live without you". You really believe that, Blogster? That my friend would be the meaning of "I do". When you find the one you want to be with for always, that "I do" can be paraphrased, "I love you babe and I can't live without you".

      I wish that you would remove your ego in your analysis of this article and see it for what it is, simply an assessment of some male behavior as experienced by some women. Blogster, you may not be one of the men who practice deceptive behavior in a relationship, but many do, as do many of the fairer sex.

      Blogster, Blogster, Blogster, I hope your itty bitty feelings aren't hurt because you fit one of the above categories? Lay off the estrogen, man up, that if you are not, some guy you know, may be guilty of the behaviors above.

      Thanks for stopping by and I enjoyed our conversation. Keep hubbing my friend !! :)

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      blogster 4 years ago

      Hmm. Think you really need to put a bit more thought into this.

      Firstly, the way you are framing the concept of commitment is purely from the female perspective. It's clear that you are viewing that as the ultimate goal EVERYONE should commit to, the natural progression of things. You are not considering the man's perspective.

      You suggest not necessarily wanting to, or being uncertain of, commitment is wrong, rather than examining the possibility that men may have serious and reasonable concerns about commitment. To suggest 'counselling' to 'correct' this assumes it is a bad character flaw. Upon meeting a man, women generally don't 'jump' him and have sex with him. Yet if men were to write endless columns regarding 'sex-phobe' women there would be outrage. Women have reasonable concerns about men prior to sex due to the potential risks they face and men have concerns regarding commitment due to the risks they face.

      I'd also question your assumptions and the language you use to describe men. To suggest a man to say "I love you babe and I can't live without you." is really just female fantasy emotional porn - it would boost your ego to hear it but it is putting the woman on a pedestal. I seriously doubt in reality women would find such man an attractive, based on repeated observations. Also to say "In his little mind and heart" is incredibly patronising and condescending to a man.

      You really need to empathise (i.e., see from the other perspective) rather than smugly attributing 3 reasons (which all place the blame on men) for men being unwilling to commit.

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 4 years ago from USA

      KaylElizabeth5, this is so difficult to hear you share. It must be killing you to not call. My advice is to give him time and space. If he loves you, he will miss you and eventually, hopefully call. He already knows that you love him. The ball is now in his court. He ought to make the next move. Keep me posted. All the best to you.

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      kaylaelizabeth5 4 years ago

      I was just recently seeing a guy we both got out of long relationships and everything was going great staying together at night and just everything was great he promised me he would never hurt me said he would do anything to make things work with me he didn't want to mess up any chance he had. Then one day I left for work everything was fine or I thought anyway he told me text me and kissed me as I walked out the door. I realized that night and the next day he was being very short so I asked what was wrong he said he thought he was ready for commitment but turned out he was wrong. He said he really really liked me and didn't know what to do. He did say the line its not you its me. And recently I told him I was no longer reaching out or trying unless he put fourth the effort. I heard nothing back from him and all I want is to contact him I want things to work more then I ever have with anyone else. Why I don't know but do you think I will ever hear deim him if should I contact him?

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 4 years ago from USA

      Recently receiving several messages about using "spell casters" to keep a true love. My thoughts on that are should not ever have to cast spells to regain a lost love. If a man hurts or cheats on you, let him go. He is not worth the heartache. If he is sorry, he has to make it right, not a witch doctor or "caster of spells". If you have to turn to a spell caster, which by the way, I personally do not believe in or endorse, then you are trying to get a love that does not exist. All humans have free will. Let the loser GO !!!

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      dave 4 years ago

      michele your are right and i thank you for your understanding.

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 4 years ago from USA

      I totally agree that women can also display these behaviors. When you have been hurt before or abused, it is a defense mechanism to pull away. This is fear of being hurt again. Even though you have a wonderful man, it's like you are telling yourself, it can't be real. You are almost waiting for him to mess up or turn into an ogre. Remember Maz that each person deserves a fair chance. You cannot make him suffer for the sins of the other men who hurt you. Yes, you need to be cautious but you cannot sabotage the relationship. Always remember that when you start a new relationship there is always a degree of risk involved. It may or may not work. Give 100%. You both deserve it !!! If you cannot give that, then you may need to question whether or not you are truly ready to love again.

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      Maz 4 years ago

      I like this hub but not entirely sure these behavioural can be attributes only to the male of the species. There is always one who steps back and overanalyses. Usually the one who was burnt the most in the past, the one who loves the least, and/or sometimes not everyone has the same intentions.... I was 17 when I met my first love he was amazing... He played me so well. He didn't say 'I love you' for 6 years. 10 years later with a long line of emotional and physical abuse behind us he was crying it on his knees in front of me. Now I have met am amazingly kind and wonderful man but he is solid as a rock, committed and there. I am solid as a rock, committed but mentally not there all the time with him. I feel in the moment and then I get freaked out. I feel closed off. I don't want to let him go because he is the best there is and I want to fall in love with him. I've known him since I was young. I am trying a new way. Is this wrong?

    • Paolocruz profile image

      Paolo Cross 5 years ago from Philippines

      I know a lot of friends who are afraid of commitment. I don't know why but it seems like most of them also have low self-esteem. I think someone should dig deeper into this specific topic. :) Kudos! Great hub!

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      spu 6 years ago

      Thankx 4 dis article it made me to realise some things which i ws nt aware of, hope read more 4 episitimological curiosity. Thnkx dear, spu in Lesotho.

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      Michele McCallister 6 years ago from USA

      Thanks for stopping by sammie-812. This was a fun article to write. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the follow!! Keep hubbing !!

    • sammie-812 profile image

      sammie-812 6 years ago from Morgantown, WV

      Amazing Hub. I totally agree with you, and have never actually made a name for the different types of men. I found the Mr. Oops did I say I love you particularly funny. Those guys are everywhere! Definitely going to follow you!

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 6 years ago from USA

      Hi ShaneMorris, my fellow Missourian !!! It is so refreshing to read that you were able to grasp the truths in the hub. It is necessary to realize that men and women are simply constructed differently. If both sexes can zone in on those inherent characteristics/differences, many a heartache could be avoided. Thank you for taking the time to read this article and moreso for your kind comments. Keep hubbing my friend !!!

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      ShaneMorris 6 years ago from Springfield, MO

      I must say Michele, you are very talented and I can tell you have a broad understanding of this concept. From what I read, I think you hit the nail on the head throughout the entire essay, all the way through to the end. I think what I appreciated most about your piece was how you really did so well to speak without any conviction - it's refreshing. For example, how you said that often women are fueled by their emotions while men tend to sit back and carefully over analyze all the scenarios. I guess that it makes sense because it seems that men are almost bred in our culture to think that a child is the absolute worst consequence of sex. And when things go well, there are absolutely no hitches, no setbacks, then what comes first? Marriage. Now, I think this is helpful and I hope everyone flocks to your hub, but now the only thing to do is hope - hope that today's younger generation can find the time in between their iPhones and tagging themselves at locations on facebook to read your essay. But if not, their loss.

    • michelemacwrites profile image

      Michele McCallister 6 years ago from USA

      Thank you.

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      kckat 6 years ago

      great advice.