Dating Advice: Men and Commitment. If It's True Love Why Does he Back Off ?
He Just Said "I LOVE YOU".
Why Does He Push Me Away !!
So your man just finally said those three magical words you had been dying to hear. He took your hands, paused for what seemed an eternity, looked you deep in the eyes and then while you waited with baited breath, he whispered, "I love you babe and I can't live without you." Amidst the flood of emotion, fluttering of your flaming heart, the trickling tears and the quivering of your lips, you try to regain some semblance of composure before you return your vows of commitment. As he drives away that evening, you call all your girlfriends to share the wonderful news. You can already see the future, ever so clearly, with its intimate wedding, little love shack, white picket fence, a couple babies running around and the prospect of sharing the rest of your life with the man of your dreams, who said without a stutter, "I love you". Why then the sudden, unprovoked change two days later? What makes your lover-boy start a slow but steady retreat, like receding flood waters? Why does he send you mixed messages; one minute the "I love you" and the next, what seems like a, "please leave me the hell alone."
The Fear of Commitment is Real.
I have heard it time and time again, "What happened? Why the unexpected "pulling away" or otherwise, "pushing me away"? A close friend of mine had a special someone in her life for a very long time and they not only had great chemistry but had been the best of friends for decades. Every time their relationship advanced and she expected a commitment, he would sabotage both their efforts and recreate a daunting distance. His reason was always the same, words that implied, "Too much, too soon" or he just simply was not ready. The writing was on the wall and we both determined that her man was basically afraid of commitment. He was fine up to the point of expressing his feelings but apparently after she started sharing about her dreams for their future, subjects like settling down, moving in together, marriage or children, he would systematically start finding the most bizarre reasons why they would not work out, which ultimately would lead to a cooling off period or a premature, temporary end of the relationship. My friend, on a constant roller coaster ride, dealt with that for several years until she made the right decision, which in her case was to leave him the hell alone. He was an "eternal bachelor". He was afraid of the implications of and steps that followed the professing of their love for each other. In his overburdened mind and heavy heart, he probably cared and had strong feelings of affection for her, but he did not have enough courage and devotion to take the relationship into the "exclusive stage". He was scared of marriage, commitment and losing his status as an eligible bachelor. I firmly believe that with some serious counseling, an eternal bachelor could overcome his fear of commitment and eventually become a viable prospect and winner at love.
You Think It's Love But Are You Just His Booty Call?
My next category of men, the Timeless Users, sadly seems to be growing. Trust me, you know the type. You can find them, a dime a dozen, regularly trolling dating websites. Some have been serial daters for years or decades, quick to pledge their love via the lure of the internet's web to ladies who desperately seek true love and honest relationships. How insane is it when a person professes love to one he has only chatted with online or on the phone and not actually met? To be clear, I do believe in love at first sight but I simply find it highly suspicious when someone claims to love another before an initial date or even soon after an initial first date. If an online or even offline relationship seems too good to be true with your suitor saying everything you want to hear and profestations of love coming at you at warped speed, its time for you to question if his motives are pure and to dig deeper to determine what he is really after. Any man who qualifies as a TIMELESS USER has a singular motive, and does and says whatever is necessary to achieve his ultimate goal which is to get you into the sack. He primarily wants the conquest, another stripe on his shoulder and the thrill of the kill. Once this man accomplishes his goal, employing every trick In the game book, including but not limited to professing his love, he will start slowly retracting or completely withdraw. Suddenly it's a sob story, "I don't think this is going to work out after all" or "you are perfect but not for me". What happened to all his declarations of love, you are left wondering. If he is a total scum bag, he may simply stop texting, calling, emailing or block you completely from his profile. Then tomorrow you will find his profile on another website as he lurks for his next gullible prey. So, a gentle reminder, sisters, stop "putting out" too soon!! Save yourself from possible heartache. Beware of the sweet, smooth talkers who seem to want to eliminate the courtship and dating and go straight to the "You are the one for me and I love you". Also, be cautious of how you conduct those initial dates!! Fallng in love is a sweet, slow and satisfying process. It is a marathon that requires emotional stamina for a relationship that lasts for the long haul rather than a sprint that leads to exhaustion, muscle cramp, love and sex that all end at the finish line.
Did I Just Say I love You? My Bad!
My final category is Mr. Oops did I just say, I love you? Mr Oops is a sweet guy. You have been going out with him for a while. You two have a great relationship. He loves to hang out with you and every time you are together, everything seems so right. Maybe it was on one of those occasions. You were having a wonderful time enjoying the most stunning of sunsets after an evening of frolicking on the seashore. You shared a couple glasses of wine, some slices of fruit and cheeses and you both were enthralled by the sounds of crashing waves against the shore. Perhaps the soft moonlight highlighted your hair and eyes, just right. He looked into those said brown eyes and in that moment couldn't imagine life without you and then came those three, little words, that would change everything forever, "I love you". In the excitement and without skipping a beat, you reassure him that you love him too. Whatever happened the next day you might ask, when all your calls go unanswered? You are startled to find three days later, when you get together with some friends for a game of pool, that your man pretends like if nothing ever happened. You start to wonder if maybe you had consumed too much wine, and that it never transpired after all. Or maybe, it was all a dream? Perhaps, your mind was playing tricks on you, you decide. He is still cordial. He talks and laughs with you, but about that exchange of "I love you", there is no mention. Girlfriends, sadly, this is a case of, "Ooops, did I say I love you?" Your guy unfortunately got caught up in the beauty of a moment. It felt like the right thing to say, but it was a premature verbal ejaculation. There is hope though, for Mr. Ooops. He is still a contender. He said the words but was not ready for the commitment. I am uncertain as to whether its a good idea to bring up the subject. If you chose to, you could express how much you enjoyed that evening and set the stage for open dialogue. At best, if he really did not mean the "I love you", you both can still maintain your deep friendship from which true love could potentially grow. Hopefully, awkwardness does not end the friendship if love is not in the cards for you both,
So there can be a few reasons why your guy makes off just after the pledge of love as if he was being chased by a cheetah. We must identify which category he falls into. I guess that the most important thing is to determine as soon as possible, whether our prospect is a Mr. Eternal Bachelor, the TImeless User or Mr Ooops did I say, I love you. One thing is for sure and that is, love is a doing or action word. Anyone can say I love you but what matters the most is expressing that love. Whenever we are told, "I love you", we must give it time to take effect. Since true love is eternal, does not fade and stands the test of time, give your man an opportunity to digest what he has professed and then time to back it up by actions. I think that most of us ladies can become too overzealous at times. We generallly tend to be navigated by our emotions while our male counterparts can be more analytical. While we are all caught up in the afterglow of the "I love you", he is probably trying to process how its going to change his life.
Give Relationships Time To Mature
Give your relationships the time they need to mature, like fine cheese or wine. It takes time to get to know each other and to determine if you are truly compatible. Over time you realize whether or not you have found the recipe for true love in each other. I am not against the concept of love at first sight, but I believe that it is a rarity. Whatever you do, take the time to weed out the undesirables. There is no room in your life for the Mr. Eternal Bachelors and Mr. Timeless Users of the world. Keep Mr. Oops did I say I love you around as a friend, keeping in mind that he may or may not ever come around. This guy may be a friend forever, so keep looking !
The right one might be a search away. Go Fishing here !!!
A Man's Perspective
- Dating - AskMen
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© 2011 Michele McCallister