- Gender and Relationships»
Why are the divorce rates so high? Consequences and tips to avoid divorce
Elements to consider when establishing a relationship to avoid divorce
In many industrialized/developed countries, divorces rates are so high it’s alarming. Examples include Belarus, with nearly a 70%, United States 50%, United Kingdom 55%, Germany 40% and Russia 65%. In my home island, Puerto Rico, the percentage was reported at 80%. Even with these unacceptable rates, the “strategy” followed for people to find love is the same and people are not really showing any sign of changing them. As a celibate man, I still observe the pattern which much people follow around me, as my friends engage in new relationships and I have to say, that I am personally disappointed and while there is no further “demotivation” to find love since I have chosen celibacy, I feel sad that people do not really seem to know what to find love is.
Of course, there are people who are successful in their love life. I would not say the remaining percentage of people that do not divorce are really happy, because there are also issues that while stop people from divorcing, does not mean they are happy; I would say that overall, a 10% to 15% of marriages are happy, so what is the secret to be successful and be part of the lucky 10-15%?
Hiding stuff and denial
If you ask the average human, the pattern of finding someone for a potential relationship is as follows: You first meet the person, you notice the chemistry that makes them like each other, they meet each other better, they find themselves they like to be together, the man proposes to the woman, she accepts, they are together for a period of time to better know each other, they decide they want to be together, finally they marry. This period, better known as being in a formal relationship, is crucial for the marriage. Today, because of so many divorces, many people choose to end this process at the point in which they decide they want to be together; they never marry. Some people marry but “plan” in case of a divorce. While this process itself presents no problems as the method to go into marriage, truth is that people hide their defects as much as possible during this period, and at the same time people do not want to focus on the defects and are more into the positive aspects of the person they believe they love. Whenever a girlfriend or a boyfriend acts in a rude way toward the other, there is something inside that feels bugged, but because of the “feeling of love”, they ignore it. This is one of the first things that I point out are wrong in the process. Whenever you ask someone why you would want to be with a person that does not make you feel comfortable at all times, that person will tell you that he or she still loves her or him of the good times they are together. But you know deep inside, that you wish some things could be different. That person you love hides as much as possible from their defects so you don’t leave him or her after you realize you don’t want to spend all your life in that situation. The problem is that as times passes, because you have known each other for so long, then defects are no longer tried to be as hidden as before. The person is not feeling that need to hide their “dark side” from you because deep inside, he or she is no longer as worried for your love and used to be. If this occurs during marriage, this would generally bring other hidden stuff out, and the relationship begins the process of going downhill.
Some people say we cannot rely on appearances, because all is not what it seems. While this is right, truth is that most of the time, physical appearance projects the inside appearance. A man who is always swearing, gets angry at the slightest things, acts rude towards others… you know he will eventually do it to you. At the beginning he’ll treat you like a doll, but at the end he will treat you like garbage. Human nature that is not tried to be modified from its roots will never be modified and if you see your boyfriend treating his friends and family in a rude way, don’t expect it will not happen to you because it looks it because he treats you different. He does that because he is still knowing and interested in you but when time passes, that interest will fade. A relationship is not based on eternal interest. The interest only happens at the beginning. Then, the decision comes. Once he has decided he wants to be with you, he will eventually no longer hide his stuff from you, and the way he treats his family and things, he will treat you.
Desperation and impatience
Because relationships are failing more and more, new generations know deep inside that finding someone is difficult. I was “open” to look for love until my 27. Culture, religion and society “teach” people that romantic love is an essential and integral part of every human being. But truth is that some people do not seem to be really “given the privilege” of enjoying romantic love. Some enjoy it as early as a teenager while others begin to enjoy it much later in life. Others, plain and simple, never enjoy it. They struggle, they meet people, engage in new relationships, but to no avail. The society induces pressure to some who do not have a solid high self-esteem. For example, lets say there is a man who is 29. He knows many of his male friends from a little while, some of them from high school. He has never had a girlfriend, or had one what did not work out. He sees most of his friends engaged and marrying, while he has not met someone yet. This begins to bug him, to the point he can’t handle it. He says “wow, all of my friends are settling down while I’m here, all alone and no woman is interested”. The self-esteem falls to a point in which he cannot longer think that either he is not designed for romantic love or simply his time hasn’t come yet. Rather than looking into the positive aspects of being single or even embrace the possibility of being celibate and look at other things to worry about, desperation sets him to a point in which he looks at the first woman he sees. Let’s say now that this man is in good conditions financially. He goes to a bar and meets this woman who only talks about materialistic things. His desperation makes him use his wealth and financial stability as a “booster” to meet women. As soon as she hears him saying “I have a good salary job” she thinks she has just won the Power Ball. Needless to say, a life of pure mayhem waits for the desperate man. They engage in a relationship, marry, falls pregnant; she leaves and divorces him and sues him for pension. He is even unhappier than he was before he met her. His friends are all married, while he is an unhappy divorced man who did not think beyond what he saw. And the problem is that this example is so, so common, it really shows that people are not really trying to improve so these divorce rates go down to a number in much people truly motivate to engage in serious relationships.
Consequences when there are kids and to other people, including the society in general
Divorce, more than a failure, is a very sad issue in which two people who once loved each other, promised to be together for life, but it did not work out. Most divorces are caused by both of the affected. Because of history and society, it may look that many unfaithfulness situations happen because the unfaithful is a person without principles. Not really. There are people without principles and morals, who only think about temporary and passing relationships which are mostly based on sex, but truth is that some men and women who are unfaithful, not saying that it’s right what they do but their partners mostly “make them” do it. Yes, when a wife or husband is always criticizing you, when his or her attitude is generally hostile, rude, mean; when marriage becomes more like a war zone in which the slightest situation causes a big scenery of yelling, screaming, even swearing, people get upset and they believe they are not loved by the person they married, and depending on the level of maturity, they either choose to be unfaithful or to leave the person and pursue another relationship with a person they sympathize with. The big problem is that we sometimes don’t care what third parties feel, how they react, and in this case, the most case is kids. Children who live in a hostile environment, will likely live a hostile life. As they see their parents get on separate ways, they will likely think it’s something normal and unless they grow up enough to realize it is not the right thing, they could repeat the process again as adults. At the same time, other people are affected by the separation, though not as hard as the kids; mutual friends, family, and in fact, the society in general, because for example, people like me who have seen this over and over again, do not motivate to find someone. And yes, my parents are still married, nearly 35 years, so it may look awkward that I have this mindset, but it’s not because of them but because of what I’ve seen in other marriages as well as my personal experience trying to have a girlfriend years ago. Some people do not plan to marry because of the insanely high divorce rates, and some do with the so called capitulations that make them safe in case they divorce. That means, people “plan” for a possible divorce. This is fatal. If two people truly love each other, why would they want to divorce?
Keys to a prosperous marriage
It may look ridiculous that a celibate man like me writes about the key to a prosperous marriage, after all why would not I apply this to myself? You see, I feel God did not send me here to marry, I have other tasks. But that does not mean I don’t see other people around me. Most of my friends are engaged and married, as are my parents, uncle, and my grandfather was before my grandma died. What I chose is not the rule, but is my choice, but you choose different. If you are so sure you want to marry, it is crucial that you don’t get impatient or desperate to find someone. If you are already in a relationship, check that your partner is not struggling to hide stuff from you about his personality. Look closely at his or her attitude towards other people, especially family and friends. A man or woman who treats his/her family with utter disrespect is, basically, a guarantee of your future split. How does he or she treat you when you do a mistake? Does he or she get upset easily? Look, your partner does not have to be perfect. But you have to make sure his or her defects are enough for you to handle. If you feel upset most of the time about the way he or she treats you, the best for you is to terminate the relationship before things get sadder and badder. You have to be aware that if he or she treats you very bad too often, it may be a potential for domestic violence. Instead of wanting to find someone who can make you feel secure financially, find someone who you feel you are secure emotionally. The basis for romantic love is not desire, nor sex; it is the overall state of feeling good and happier when you are with that person. You don’t want to be married to someone you wish would not come back early from work, or someone you will try to not hang out with. Look at family and friends who are successful in their relationships. Instead of envying them, look closely how they treat each other so you learn and when you meet someone, you can check if you can have a similar relationship. Do not “compete” with your friends or family. But use the positive aspects you can learn from family and friends to ensure a potential and healthy relationship.