- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Why do guys have commitment issues? Answer revealed.
Let’s say you’re a girl and you get along really well with this guy you recently started talking to. You both get along perfect; your personalities are like puzzle pieces that fill each other gaps, you understand his jokes and find them hilarious, you make out and do all that touchy feely stuff. Then, just as you are about ready for a relationship, the damn guy stops returning your calls and hesitates when you tell him that you like him a lot. Sound familiar? It does to me, because I’ve been that guy.
Now first, let us be clear: while there may be a few men who do not belong in this category, the majority of men who have “commitment issues” are men who have been in previous relationships. More likely than not, these men went through a difficult break up; it was probably extremely ugly and not on good, mature terms. Yes, there are men who don’t suffer at all and transition on to the next one with ease (kind of like how easily Brandon Roy transitioned from the college level basketball to the NBA), but this isn’t the classification of men I am speaking of. Many men who go through ugly break ups were truly in love with their ex’s; it was probably likely that their ex was their first love, and you know what they say about first loves. They’re the hardest ones to let go. So how does this affect you, the current lady in his life? Well, let me explain. There are 2 main reasons for why guys are scared of commitment.
After being hurt (either because it was their ex’s fault or their own), guys may not express it or show it due to the need to preserve his pride. He may not admit that he is hurt at all, but best believe that your man is scarred in some way by the past. He is definitely not the same nice guy that he was in his first relationship. He may be a gentleman, he may be sweet, charming, and all that, but you know that he has changed. He may have changed in a way that even he himself hasn’t fully realized. So let’s bring it home. From the example above, where you guys have perfect chemistry, everything is going right, and then he suddenly backs out. Why would he do that, when everything is so good? Because he is scared. That’s why. He has probably fallen for you deeper than he thought he could fall for any girl other than his ex, and this fact scares him to death, because he is vulnerable. If you don’t work out, he is once again rejected and inadequate for yet ANOTHER girl. Because of this fear, he backs out in order to distance himself physically and emotionally, so that he won’t get hurt again. This is something that I went through earlier this summer, because I began dating a girl, and she was the first one since my ex and I split.
In our society, men are raised to be providers. It is a rite of passage; as men, we haven’t made it until we are securely able to provide for our family and ourselves, and we have a stable means to provide. No matter what you may think of it, men feel as if they must be able to provide for their families; it is a pressure that weighs on our shoulders heavily. If we allow our woman to provide for us, it is emasculating. As Steve Harvey writes in his book titled Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, “men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make…everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood – the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he’s truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he’s achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you’re dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.” This is the very core. Unless a man is with you to fool around for a one night stand, he will not feel adequate to be your man until he is able to provide for you financially. He will not feel like a man. Forget all the equality and feminist issues; those things are irrelevant to what I’m talking about. We KNOW that you can provide for yourselves, and maybe even for us, but that doesn’t mean that we are OKAY with it. So if we haven’t fulfilled one of the three things that Steve Harvey listed, then we probably will not be committed, because we are still looking for the right to call ourselves a man, your man.
What should YOU do?
If your man is in this situation, the best route to take is back off and let him have his space. He will probably be very confused, because he has found somebody that he may not want to let go. If this is the case, then he may come to his senses after some time. If not, then that’s his loss.