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Why do you want your spouse to change according to your liking?

Updated on March 8, 2014

‘Brands mature over time, like a marriage. The bond you feel with your spouse is different than when you first met each other. Excitement and discovery are replaced by comfort and depth.’ Gary Vavnerchuk

You should accept your spouse for what he\she is as this is the best way to show your true love. When you try to change your spouse according to your liking it creates misunderstanding and resentment in your relationship. You must understand that he\she is an individual and not a cloning of you. So it is natural to have some differences of opinion and tastes.

Why do you feel that your spouse must change according to your liking?

This mentality of trying to pull your spouse to your way of thinking sows the first seed of discontentment in your married life. No one can change their inbuilt characteristics as it is their individuality. It is basic human nature to feel that you are always right and that you have the right to live your life the way you want to.

How then can you expect him\her to change his\her characteristics just because he\she is married to you?

‘He\she listened to me and was willing to change when we were dating. But now he\she argues with me if I advice him\her. I do not know why he\she has changed so much after marriage.’ This is the common complaint you have about your spouse after marriage.

It is true that he\she listens to you in the initial glow of love and does try to change himself\herself to your liking. But you are taken aback when there is a volte-face in his\her attitude towards you after marriage.

You are dumbfounded when your spouse resents you when you advice him\her about what he\she does or says. He\she is offended by your holier-than-thou attitude and feels that you have no business trying to rectify his\her non existent faults.

What are the changes you want from your spouse?

  • You try to change the dressing sense of your spouse according to your taste.
  • You make fun of his\her way of doing things and suggest ways to do it.
  • You also interfere in what he\she eats as you feel you have a better knowledge of health.
  • You intrude into what he\she does in his\her free time.

Do you know what happens when you try to change your spouse?

When you try to force your spouse to change according to your mindset, it makes him\her rear back in revolt. During your dating days he\she was more than willing to listen to you because of the intense love you had for each other.

But after marriage the intensity wears off and he\she feels that you are being bossy and dominating. You should not marry in the hope of changing your spouse, but accept him\her for what he\she is.

Do not be too interfering

When your voice is condescending and patronizing it makes your spouse enraged that you think him\her to be lesser than you. But when you are friendly and reasonable he\she wants to listen to you.

When you try to change his\her way of dressing, he\she hates it as he\she feels it is a very personal matter and you have no business to poke your nose into it. And when you insist on making your spouse more organized, he\she feels that you are mocking at his\her style of working.

‘Then should I not try to make changes in my spouse so that he\she becomes a better person’, you are naturally angered by the suggestion that you should accept your spouse as he\she is. You should change your spouse for the better, not by your words but by your actions.

Are you wondering how? When you understand and empathize with your spouse, he\she feels that you truly care for him\her and gradually moves towards being more adaptable to your way of thinking.

So everything depends on the way you interact with your spouse and not on your advising words. Words can never change your spouse as it makes him\her feel that you are preaching, but your reasonable hints and appreciative reactions makes him\her feel your true care. This is the only way to change your spouse for the better.

© 2014 mathira


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    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      Thank you billy for stopping by and for your good comments.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      We both know the error of this thinking and we don't try to change each other at all. Open communication and acceptance.....great suggestions.