- Gender and Relationships
Why is Forbidden Love so Tempting?
It seems like a very popular topic for I wasn’t even able to choose the title without running into duplication errors and lack of uniqueness. Whether it’s your boss, your coworker, a married man, a guy with a specific religion or perhaps none at all, your friend’s crush, your friend’s ex, parental oppositions … the list goes on and on but for some women –at least me- forbidden love is always more appealing, inviting and stronger.
Growing up, I pitied my friends as they fell for the wrong men. I disliked poetry when it revolved around ‘thee’ that you can’t have or ‘thee’ who doesn’t like you back. And man, is it easier to analyze situations when you are least involved. But when you are in the middle of the tornado, the picture gets fuzzier, your strong values loosen and depending on how involved you are, the whole universe may just seem dismantled.
Now, I always write my hubs in a rather logical style usually inspired from actual experiences. However, for the outlined symptoms, I do not promise to offer a wise article nor do I plan to deliver a valid advice. In a matter of fact, my phrases might just string themselves in an irrelevant consequence so please bear with my worn mind and young foolish heart.
Forbidden Love out of My Journal
First, I am not sure if I should label it love for I have never been in a relationship but I know it was more than just a crush. I am not sure if it was a taste of first love or a mere desire for what is forbidden. The source of this baffled state of mind is the way I chose to run my emotional life, a rather weird style that hopefully won’t curse me with loneliness for the rest of my life.
I grew up in a very traditional country, where by the age of 16, a girl is a legitimate marriage prospect. So long she had what a matchmaking woman or an interested man saw as a beautiful face, attractive figure and a lady’s mannerism, she was guaranteed to have proposals.
If she says ‘yes’, she would then go through what I would call a semi blind dating process where she semi-dates the guy. As in, she gets to explore the personality of the potential husband under certain regulations. Regulations would include certain times, certain places and certain parental approvals.
Unlike the other girls who fell for the charming guys almost immediately, my heart couldn’t care less. ‘He doesn’t match the list’ was my one and only argument and honestly none of them did match the so-called list. Criteria # 1 was that he had to choose me for himself, I wasn’t going to date a guy because his mom promised that she had seen a beautiful lady. After all, I only wear a dozen layers to attract those who are interested in things other than the external package. And to make the list somehow fair, I omitted any required or even preferred physical criteria from the list. Didn’t matter if he was too fat, too short or whatever ‘too’ that would make a guy less attractive. Little did I know that this phase represented the most stable emotional state I would ever have. So far, both my heart and mind were in harmony. They both cooperated in creating a united front.
Ultimately after a dozen proposals that came from interested mothers rather than interested men, a few started knocking the door out of personal interest. Even more surprisingly, they managed to stand up for the criteria on the list. Oddly or normally, my heart remained indifferent. This was the first clash between my worn mind and young heart. Each time I said ‘No’, I would picture a battle. A battle between a professional old woman fighting a rather foolish young girl who is for some reason wearing a sensual red dress.
Anyhow, as unprofessional and as inexperienced as the young lady seemed, her desires were nevertheless respected and she won the battle knocking the old lady down.
Years later another battle was fought, only this time the old woman was older and stronger, her hair was as white as the ashes, her makeup joined to form clumps between her wrinkles. The guy, those two ladies were fighting about, was obviously forbidden for personal reasons. Below is the craziest dialogue I have seen one have with oneself if that is even possible. And for the heck of it, we will call the old woman ‘Arrière-grand-mère’ which is French for great grandmother and we will call the young girl ‘Jeune Fille’ that is French for young girl.
Arrière-grand-mère: There is no use in weeping, this guy is not right for you.
Jeune Fille: But he matches the damn list, didn’t think anyone would ever stand for your standards.
Arrière-grand-mère: You two don’t have the same values.
Jeune Fille: Regardless, we understand each other, besides one doesn’t need a matching replica of one self to fall for someone.
Arrière-grand-mère: Love is blind. A year, 5 or 10 from now your values will clash and not only are you going to get hurt but you will hurt your children.
Jeune Fille: Oh my, I can’t believe you are thinking of kids already, I barely know the guy.
Arrière-grand-mère: Exactly my point. You barely know the guy but what you do know is that your values are significantly different. And if you fool yourself in getting to know him you will fall for him even more causing your self grief and misery.
Jeune Fille: Listen to me, from all the fancy proposals, from all the guys, this one felt right, this one was sincere and this one is decent enough to walk away.
Arrière-grand-mère: Great, get him to walk away.
Jeune Fille: Why? If from all the things I have done, this never felt wrong, those long chats only brought harmony but I guess the combination of your age and your marital status wouldn’t know what ‘harmony’ is…
The dialogue doesn’t get any further because things only get physical from there. Needless to say, that as cold as the old lady seemed this time, she conquered the battle.
Forbidden Love in Psychology
According to , there are different kinds of love. Apparently, love as a long-term emotion is very different from the short-term. It suggests that we use the term limerence to describe intensive emotions one experiences on the short term. Only use the term love to refer to longer partnerships. According to psychologists, limerence consumes a great deal of passion and involves a lot of fantasy. What caught my attention about limerence is just like forbidden love it is distinguished by involving a state of intensive longing for the person. According to the psychologists, the person has to be unreachable in some way, for it to fall under the limerence category of love. The fact that limerence is perpetuated as long as the couple are prevented from being together, explains why the opposition to the love affair often ignites the emotions. Hence all the drama one goes through, without even being in a relationship.
A survey to feed my curiosity!
Just out of curiosity, I would like to know how would you describe your love. Is it companionate kind of love? Filled with intimacy and commitment. Or is it Romantic? Filled with passion and intimacy. Or is it perhaps a combination of all dimensions –passion, commitment, and intimacy-, what Sternberg refers to as consummate love. I wanted to add a Quiz to help identify your type of love but realized that the article only shows how confused I am and telling others that I can identify their type of love is far from truth.
 Understand psychology by Dr Nicky Hayes