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Why is my Partner so Distant?

Updated on August 21, 2014

Everyone needs alone time

Every relationship has it's problems and things are not always going to be perfect!

When you are in a long term relationship and you are with each other everyday, it is only normal that you will want to have some time to be alone.

Men and women are the same in that respect and for each person it differs but we all need our space and "me" time.

Both women and men are different in many ways and this is the time where you can separate from each other to do the things that give you inner peace.

For women it could be taking a bubble bath, listening to music and having a facial which is something that I guarantee your man won't enjoy.

Men surfing the net, fishing or just purely watching a screen can get boring for their female partners.

Where does it become a problem?

Well everyone needs space and alone time away from their partners but when it becomes a problem is when a partner chooses to do too much away from home or they just stop connecting all together.

Distance in a relationship can cause a partner to feel lonely and alone
Distance in a relationship can cause a partner to feel lonely and alone

Disconnected partners

We all have busy and sometimes stressful schedules which can ultimately put us into a rut where we find that the only things we end up doing are work, eating and sleeping.

People in relationships tend to get stuck into a rut due to the hectic work schedules and stresses from a daily routine, leaving them with no time to relax.

For many there is time to go out and have fun but sometimes being with the same partner can leave you with nothing to say and going out could avoid the empty conversation and yet another expense.

Most partners don't insist on going out or making a date night where you are forced to go out and have fun, which is a fantastic idea to spark up an old relationship.

If you can get to do the date night at least once a week, then being separate for the remainder of the week will not be a problem because you are both making an effort to keep your relationship fresh.

Unfortunately for many, this does not happen and both men and women continue on with their daily routine and rut eventually drifting apart and making one or the other partner feel disconnected.

Having a healthy physical relationship can also keep you connected as it brings you closer to each other but when this is also not often possible it leads to disconnected partners that eventually become lonely and start to find other things to occupy their time.

It is important to repair this before it gets too late because the longer you leave it the worse it becomes and once you are so far disconnected, it is extremely difficult to find your way back to each other again.

Sometimes people disconnect because they are tired, stressed or too occupied with what they are doing and all they need is a reminder and a push to get back on track.

For partners that have guys or girls nights out, this can be dangerous because if you are disconnected and you have other things to make you happy, there is always a temptation or weak point that might ruin your relationship on a permanent level.

Too much space can lead to partners becoming distant
Too much space can lead to partners becoming distant

Why is my partner distant?

There could be a number of reasons why your partner is distant and you need to understand why so that you can make things better before it gets too problematic for either of you.

Sometimes people like space and if you are a couple that spends every minute of the day with each other than it is normal to have some time alone and your partner will distance themselves to get that time off.

Stress can also encourage one to distance themselves as they hide away or escape from the problems by shutting themselves off from their partners.

Midlife crisis is also a cause for someone to distance themselves as they go into a world of their own reminiscing about the past and wishing for their youth to return. You will find partners coping with it in different ways; either wanting to go out to "paint the town red" or they will sit at home and almost become reclusive, with a new or old found hobby.

They don't mean to be distant but it just happens without them realising that it has been weeks with no conversation or weeks with no physical contact. Often you remind them of an event that is taking place and they are unaware that you did mention it weeks ago.

This is normal and it happens to almost everyone at some stage in a relationship.

For partners that are distant and cannot give you any attention at any stage there is a problem.

They are either too stressed and cannot speak to you about it or they have something else on the go. By this I mean that they have found something more interesting to do other than spend time with you.

Every relationship needs conversation and good communication as well as a physical relationship and a time to get out and let your hair down as a couple.

If you find that your partner is extremely distant and cannot make any efforts to be there for you then you need to communicate this and find out why it is happening as they will not be aware of what is happening to you.

Long gaps of space can lead a partner to get disconnected so much so that they cannot hold a conversation or pay attention to anyone at all. You will find them wanting to actively do something whilst they are talking to you; read a newspaper, put the volume up while you are talking or just simply ignore you.

This is not healthy for any relationship and if he or she is distant for too long it can destroy your relationship altogether.

Each person needs to be able to communicate with their partners as well as find a balance between relationship, alone time and work time. If you do not have a balance then your relationship could end up being a one way street which will lead to loneliness and eventually the end of a dull relationship.

They are bored and don't know how to tell you that. It is also normal to get bored and tired of the same routine, position or day to day events and most people will shut down, especially men as finding a way to spice things up can take a lot of effort which is not really possible for those who are overloaded at work or stressed about finances. It is easier to hide in a world of their own rather than seek new adventures with you.

Some partners are distant due to an affair and you will find that they have no interest in anything about you or the home life. This is easy to spot and you will know if this is happening but if you don't then here are a few ways to check.

How do you reconnect with your partner?

See results

Is my partner cheating on me?

Don't mistake distance for cheating because some people act differently to others in every situation.

For those who are distant for a long period of time and have no interest in anything that you have to say or do then you might have a problem on your hands.

If your partner is spending too much time on the Internet; he is either looking at websites that have more to offer than you (if you know what I mean!) and if he/she is part of a social network than you need to be careful that he/she is not chatting or flirting with others. Looking at websites and flirting can be harmless but there is always one that can ruin it for a relationship. If he does not want you to look at his computer or there is a password protection on it then you need to start asking questions.

A cellphone that is permanently in use and continuously getting messages, even late at night can also spell trouble. If he/she does not allow you to use the phone and it has password protection then you again need to start asking questions.

Another sure sign that there is a cheater among you is a lack of physical activity. It is normal to get stuck into a routine and twice or three times a month is acceptable but for those who are not getting any or you have it once or twice a month then it is a problem.

The scent of another person and a perfume or cologne that you do not recognise is also a sign that someone else has had contact. Check for changes in behaviour and new sayings that might come up or a change in things that are normally liked.

A person that cheats will always tell you that they would never do that or they will swear on someone's life. Denial is an easy way for them to get you to forget about it but look for the signs because you will notice changes and things out of the ordinary.

Broken vows means broken trust which will never really be repaired
Broken vows means broken trust which will never really be repaired

How to stop your partner from distancing themselves

When a partner is distant and it becomes something of a routine then it can and always will make the other partner lonely.

You need to communicate with your partner and let them know how you feel and ask them why they are distant.

Once you have spoken to your partner about how you feel and I mean you have to be completely honest and open without having an argument, you then need to make a few changes.

A date night is very important in a relationship because it gets you both away from the routine and it forces you to speak to each other.

Try new places, try new things and experiment with each other in order to revamp your physical side.

Should it be that your partner is spending too much time on the Internet than let them know that you are not happy and compromise the time spent or a time to switch off and come into family or relationship mode.

A midlife crisis is going to be a lot more challenging and you need to let your partner feel good and make them know that they are attractive and find something adventurous for the two of you to do.

If your relationship is fairly new and he/she is disconnected then move on because it is not worth the hassle!

You need to have ground rules about social networking and nights out with friends. If you do not communicate what you are not happy with and you do not have ground rules for things like networks and friends than it could lead to serious problems that could end your relationship altogether. There is nothing worse than trying to communicate with a partner that is ignoring you because they are talking to others on a social network. Not only is it hurtful but disrespectful too and without respect there is no relationship.

Things to do

Alone time
Date night
Family time
listen to music
Try a new place
Play a board game
Have a glass of wine
Wear something different
Go for a picnic
Find a hobby
Be adventurous
Take a walk

Why is my partner distant?

It could be that you do not give each other enough space to do things that you love to do on your own.

Have some "me time" and find a hobby that you can do on your own

Spending too much time together can make you feel a little suffocated and space away from each other is a good idea.

Girls and guys nights out are not a good idea for people who are in long term relationships as this can cause temptation and trouble when your relationship is in need of repair

If a partner is distant it could be that they are stressed and you need to find out why they are distant

Cheating, midlife crisis and stress are the causes of distance in a relationship and to repair the situation you have to have some ground rules in a relationship from the beginning

Internet and social networking can also be trouble for relationships and you should both have open and honest recall of what you are doing and who you are speaking to. If a partner is not happy with this then you need to work on it together.

Have a cut off time for work and social networking to be able to spend quality time with each other.

Try new things and have a date night so that you are away from the routine and rut

How to settle in a relationship

All relationships have times where there is a little distance between the partners and it doesn't mean that you are not loved it just means that something has come up.

You need to have time to spend on your own, not to get rid of your partner but to do things that will give you inner peace.

Space between partners is healthy and it allows for good conversation later.....after all absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Make time to have a date night and also allow for open communication so that you both know when something is wrong instead of bottling it up inside until there is a huge explosion.

Balance your life so that you have time for each other as well as time for friends and interests that you both have and have a cut off time for work so that you can enjoy the company of each other.

Lonely in a relationship

Disconnected and distant partners can lead to one of them feeling lonely and frustrated.

Trying absolutely every way possible to reconnect with your partner and failing to do so can make your life frustrating.

Many people that feel lonely in their relationship lead them to stray or find someone that will be there for them emotionally. It is important to sort out the problem before it gets too big and escalates into a bad situation.


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    • Tashaonthetown profile imageAUTHOR

      Natasha Pelati 

      4 years ago from South Africa

      thank you for reading and for giving some input too!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image


      4 years ago from USA

      Sometimes it's important to consider why you were attracted to the person in the first place. Continually reaffirming both yourself and your partner and allowing one another the space to grow helps both partners thrive separately and together. I enjoyed reading.


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