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Why isn't he affectionate

Updated on March 26, 2014

Affection and men

Affection is something that everyone needs at some stage of their lives and when you lack this in a relationship there are a few things that you need to look at before you assume that your boyfriend doesn't love you.

Some women are not affectionate and they usually end up with "huggers" for boyfriends, whilst others who crave and need affection end up with guys that have to be reminded that hugs exist.

Women are different to men which surely we all know by now and they do think differently to men when it comes to dating and relationships but in every relationship, time is what tells whether you are in the right relationship for you or not.

Communication with your partner is easier once you have dated for a while and you have both learned more about each other. He will realise what type of person you are and what you need out of a relationship and the same goes for you.

Older relationships and marriages can often fizzle in the affection department and leave you to wonder whether he loves you or not.

Lack of affection can cause couples to drift apart
Lack of affection can cause couples to drift apart

Why isn't he affectionate?

Some people are born into loving and affectionate families where they cannot go a day without a hug, whilst others come from families that have no need to hug and give affection.

Women love to be loved and held and we assume that every man that comes along will treat us like a princess and shower us with romance and undying love and affection.....and why should it not be so?

Men are from a pack and they don't think about affection in the way that we do. Some will hold your hand in public where others wouldn't dare.

There are claustrophobic people who will avoid holding you all night because they feel trapped and it is not because of you but because of their "space" issues.

For other men it is because they were not brought up to be affectionate and some do not understand women and what they need.

Here are a few reasons why he is not affectionate;

Some men don't realise that affection is needed
Some men don't realise that affection is needed

Comfortable in the relationship

You will find that your boyfriend was affectionate when you first met him and it started to fizzle out later on.

When people are comfortable in a relationship they tend not to do things to impress their partners as they already have them close.

As a relationship matures men tend to become lax with their affection, you run out of things to say and the "spark" that you felt when you started dating is not longer there, leaving some to halt on affection.

It does not mean that you are not loved and I am sure that at times you also tend to get irritated or annoyed but being comfortable is a good sign and all you need to do is reignite the spark by taking on new adventures or going out a little more in order to feel something again.

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The lack of affection from family

Some families are close and full of love and affection where others had no need to show their love. A boyfriend that has come from a family that was not affectionate might not know how to be affectionate now.

This type of relationship could take forever and a day for you to show him how to be affectionate and it is often difficult for guys to open up and show emotion if they have a "cold" background.

Giving him love and affection might give him a reason to do the same but it will take time as it is something he has not experienced before.

I find that guys who did not have any sisters in the house and men who only had brothers, tend to be less affectionate than others. This is because boys growing up with sisters have learned that women need affection and they have probably heard their sisters give reasons why their dates didn't work.

Men who have sisters are more in tune with women's emotions as they got to experience the tears, got forced to listen to love stories and tales of broken hearts by their siblings.

He has never been affectionate

Dating is the easy part and some guys will hold your hand or kiss you on the first date, others might wait but if you started dating a guy that has never been affectionate then the chances of him being that way now are not going to happen.

The question is if you wanted an affectionate boyfriend and he has told you that he doesn't like affection, then why would you be with him?

Some men just cannot show affection, either from childhood or past issues and for many they have just not felt the need to be affectionate.

If you are expecting him to change, he won't!

Guys that have lacked affection from the very beginning of your relationship are naturally not the hugging type and if you want to stay in this relationship then you will have to focus on other things that he does because expecting him to suddenly become affectionate or waiting for the moment that he changes, is not going to happen and you will end up feeling lonely and unloved.

Problems in your relationship

Perhaps you started with an affectionate boyfriend and you have been dating for a long time. During the time that you have been together he has shown affection and you have felt loved.

If it has suddenly stopped and he shows no interest in you it could mean that your relationship is in need of a spark or there is trouble in your relationship.

Don't jump to conclusions and assume that he is holding someone else but take a look at your relationship and see if there is something that has caused problems in order to fix them and feel the love again.

It might be as easy as changing things up and rediscovering each other or it could mean that you have other problems that you need to talk about.

Communication is important and you should be able to let him know that you need affection and ask him why there isn't any.

He is seeing someone else

A relationship that has been filled with affection and is now without, could mean that there is trouble and you need to approach the issue immediately rather than wait until things escalate.

Guys that are not interested in kissing you or holding you, do not want to touch you in front of friends or in public, where they did before might be having issues of their own or it could mean that he is seeing someone else.

Think about whether he lacks intimacy and interest in the bedroom no matter what you try. Has he always been this way or is it a recent development?

If he has no interest in you whatsoever, then you need to approach it in the right way and find out what is really going on before it is too late.

He is affectionate with others but not with you

A guy that has always been affectionate towards you and has suddenly stopped but shows others affection, is NOT INTO YOU!

Perhaps he feels that you have done something wrong or he is just not interested at all. It could be caused by being stuck in a rut, stress or just a spark that is missing but in general if he is a natural hugger and he is giving affection to everyone but you, he is not in love with you or has fallen out of love with you. His interests are elsewhere and to get him back to you could be a major challenge as he is already probably too far gone.

After you have communicated with him and you feel that it is not changing then it is perhaps time to move forward and find someone that can give you affection.

Natural born huggers show affection
Natural born huggers show affection

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What to do to get more affection from your boyfriend

Thinking about why he isn't giving you affection and not actually asking him, would be a mistake because your focus will be on that every day that you are together.

Focus on the positive aspects and give him the affection that you would like to receive back, regardless of how you feel about his lack of affection.

Some people are not affectionate by nature and there is no way to change that but if he has been affectionate before then concentrate on what you can do to make him feel your love.

Should this not work and you have tried to get back the spark, shown him all the love that you can and have told him how you feel, then waiting for affection is going to be a long and tiresome task.

Being in a loving relationship means that your partner knows you well and understands by now that you need affection, love and adoration and if the positive attributes are just not enough, the only thing left to do is to understand that you deserve to be loved, adored and there is always someone out there that is willing to put you on a pedestal and shower you with affection.

Having to try to get his attention to gain some affection means that he really is not that interested and after trying every possible thing that you can do, with failed attempts, MOVE ON!

Why he isn't affectionate

Lack of love and affection as a child or past issues with affection gives someone no reason to be affectionate.

Naturally not affectionate and that is what it is, he doesn't like hugs and kisses and won't think babies are cute

He is not into you and there is nothing to say or do to change that

Seeing someone else can give him reason not to want to hold you

Comfort in the relationship can cause a lack of affection

How to give her affection

Affection can be learned but it does take time if it something that you have never experienced.

Hug and kiss your wife or girlfriend every morning when you wake up

Kiss her before you leave for work

Ask her how she is doing and listen to what she has to say

Hold her hand when you are walking

Give her a hug while she is washing the dishes

Women need to feel loved and even if you do it once a day, it is important to show her that you do love her.

All it takes is one kiss, a hug or concern about her day.

Intimacy should be emotionally charging for a woman otherwise it will take longer for her to get in the mood. Let her know how much you admire her and give her a massage or hold her before.

Never role over after an intimate moment! Give her a kiss or a hug, let her rest her head on your shoulder and give her five minutes to communicate with you.

Affection is easy and all it takes is a little kiss and cuddle every day.

How to get a guy to give you affection

Here are a few tips on how to get a guy to give you affection but before you watch the video think about what has already been said and what you have tried so far.

Love is easy and yes, there are complications sometimes but almost every happy and healthy relationship is easy, love is freely given and affection comes naturally.

Affection is necessary for you to be healthy, happy and at peace in a relationship so that should you grow older and have kids of your own, you will be able to hug and hold them, giving them the affection that they can pass on one day too.

If it is an endless battle then consider surrender and move forward to find that love and affection that every other happy couple has.


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    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      I hug someone when most necessary and a hand shake works well too. Some people don't show affection and that sounds cold to me.

    • Tashaonthetown profile image

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      I'm not a serial hugger but I do hug people at the appropriate times. Most of the time it is a handshake for people i don't know.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

      A powerful hub and leaves much food for thought.

      Now looking forward to many more by you.


    • Tashaonthetown profile image

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you!

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 3 years ago from USA

      My husband is an engineer and just wired to be a non-hugger, and my daughter is the same way. I've resorted to hugging my cats and my mother.

    • Tashaonthetown profile image

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Hahaha they say if you hug a tree it will make you feel better!

      I also have some huggers and others not, im not a hugger but i do enjoy being on the receiving end

    • GreenPrince profile image

      Prince Edike 3 years ago from Philippines

      I love to hug my girl and kiss her every time. Sometimes she demand more.

    • Tashaonthetown profile image

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Thats great! Hugs and kisses are free and always welcome.

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