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Why so many attractive 30-something women can't find their Mr Right

Updated on March 3, 2011


This hub is about a certain type of woman. The type of woman to whom I am greatly attracted, so I can speak with some authority on the subject, especially as I know a lot of women in this category, and have gone out with a number of them. There may be other types of women who also can't find the right man, and there will be other reasons for that, but I'm not going to be discussing them. This hub is about physically attractive, well-dressed, intelligent, witty, confident, independent, successful women. Women who would judge themselves and each other to be a great catch for a man, but can't work out why they are single, or why their relationships never last very long. In short, why they cannot find a man that they can settle down with.

So what's wrong with them?

With women like this having so much going for them, surely men will be falling over themselves to date them? Surely the men will find them great fun to be with, will be proud of them, will love them? Yes, they will, but they will find that they are either rejected, or if they do start a relationship, then cannot live with them. Why?

We are talking about "alpha-females", they are driven and independent, and this is their downfall when it comes to starting and ,maintaining relationships with men. For a start they tend to be attracted only to alpha-males. Wimps and losers are no good for them - they demand the best. Those males are themselves likely to be driven and independent, and here we see the start of the problem.

Tell me more

In a relationship with two driven independent halves, both are going to want to lead, to dominate, and to do what they want to do, rather than compromise to do what their partner wants to do.

Many alpha males choose less independent, less driven, more yielding females for their mates, so that they can get their own way, and they know that their partner is happy to concede and go with the flow.   They choose women who look up to them, and admire their success, and may feel slightly subordinate.   This choice of mate may not be a conscious one, but such males are naturally drawn to women who fit the profile, and there are enough such women out there to fulfil the need.

Those males that are drawn to the alpha-females, are potentially setting themselves up for lots of fights and arguments, and a stormy relationship, as neither party will ever give in and concede an inch of ground.

How do they resolve this?

I believe that all males have something within them that makes them have a need for being mothered, looked-after, loved unconditionally. Even highly successful alpha-males still have this "weakness" that they feel empty without the love of a good woman, and therefore, the alpha-males attracted to alpha-females have the ability to concede, to let the woman make the decisions, to let her have her way, even if in their work life they are a complete tyrant. Thus an alpha-male can find an alpha-female to become his wife, and, by virtue of his innate ability to allow himself to be mothered, the relationship can thrive, and not be one long battle.

Indeed, he may well be very much the alpha-male in his work environment, but outside of work he falls back to a much softer, more easy-going position.  He is not quite so driven as some of the other alpha-males, and is happy to go with the flow, relax, compromise when he is not in work.  In fact, he is probably not a tyrant at work either.  Successful, energetic, driven, yes, but he also listens, is a team-player, is involving, sympathetic, etc.  

So what about these single 30-something alpha females?

Alpha-females do not seem to have the inner "weakness" that the alpha-males do, which is the need to be looked-after and mothered. Maybe their struggle to be successful has made them hardened, because it is still more difficult, even today, for women to make it to the top. Thus maybe they have been fighting all of their lives - fighting to be heard, fighting to be taken seriously, fighting to get their way, fighting to prove themselves, and now that they have got there, they know no other way than to keep on fighting.

Thus, these women will not compromise in a relationship - everything must go their way. If there is something about their partner that they don't like, they are not going to put up with it, they are going to make him change. If he won't change, then he will either get fed up with being moaned at and leave, or she will get rid of him for refusing to change.

The alpha-female doesn't have the option of finding an easy-going male who will always concede to her, because she is not attracted to such "wimps" (in her eyes). She has made it to the top and she wants the strongest men only, someone who will not yield to anyone else, except her. The only battles he is allowed to lose are the ones with her.

Now, such alpha-males are few and far between. If they are "extreme-alpha" then they are not going to yield to anyone, including their partner. The only way such a relationship is going to work is if the two barely see each other - they live such busy and independent lives that they only get a few hours a week together, and in that time there is not enough time to have too many arguments. Perhaps they maintain the attraction because they never really get to know each other, and any time together is like the first few months of dating someone new - there are always interesting new things to discover.

So can such a relationship last?

I think that very few do.   All relationships are driven at some level by an innate desire for sex, and if they are barely seeing each other, then they are not getting any time to have sex with each other.  Almost inevitably, one or both partners end up having opportunistic sex with someone else instead, and, unless the couple are both happy with this going on, which few are, the relationship is doomed.  Both parties move on to their next unsuccessful relationship.


So the problem that these driven and independent alpha-females have is that they are unable to compromise, and, in being that way, they limit their potential mates to a small group of unsuitable partners with whom they can never have a successful relationship. That is why there are so many very attractive and successful women in their thirties and forties who are single, or go from one relatively short relationship to the next, unable to find their Mr Right.  And they can't work out why, because they are so attractive, successful, witty, wealthy, fun, and strong, and they do get a continual string of men chatting them up.   Well, now they know why (but, of course, they'll never admit to this being the reason)!


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    • profile image


      4 years ago

      The thought of an alpha female trying to change an alpha male is hilarious. The alpha female will instantly know her role and assume it accordingly. They won't try to change each other. They are attracted to each other by instinct, so instinct will not allow them to remodel the personality which captivates them.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      @The Truth

      I suppose I am the exception then, if that is your view of most women these days. I personally am not looking for a guy with a lot of money. Though I myself am successful and well off, I come from a lower middle class background, and I generally don't care for the rich and wealthy attitude that is so prevalent among those around me. All I would like is a guy with a great sense of humor and at least a mild obsession with pop culture. I would love to be able to travel and go on adventures with him. If he does have a lot of money, that's fine, but it better not go to his head. I don't want to live in a mansion, after all. I'm much more comfortable in a regular middle class home. No, I don't want him to make all the decisions, but I don't want to make all the decisions either. I want to compromise. I'm not looking for an alpha I can bow down to or a wimp I can dominate-- I'm looking for a partner I can spend my life with. Unfortunately, it often seems like that's still too much to ask.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      many women nowadays are looking for a man with a lot of money, and God forbid if they were to accept us for who we are.

    • profile image


      6 years ago


      Thank you for your wise and well-considered words.

      Best regards,


    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 

      6 years ago from Southern Clime

      Yes, I believe that this is true to a great degree for many such women. I also know that many of these women refuse to lower their standards for no-account men who approach them. Do you have any idea how many women wait to be approached rather than approach men themselves? Many women have been trained to be ladylike, not desperate, and wait; otherwise, they would be considered fast or bad. Men usually have the upper hand in approaching, which is a disadvantage to some women. Some men “run” in fear when women approach them because they want to be the hunters. Yet, some men who may be good prospects are afraid to approach women who seem to have it all together. They think that these women only want men who are doing as well as they are or better. Many men with less education are afraid that the educated women will reject or soon abandon them, especially if they find men with more education. These single beautiful women are not single solely because they are doing something to keep themselves single.

      I know alpha-females who seemingly have great relationships. Even though they are strong, some have the good sense to respect and work with their husbands to keep their marriages sweet. Some men love strong women. A male friend once told me that his future wife had to be a strong, independent woman who had a mind of her own.

      The old traditional plan was for men to work outside of the home to take care of it, the wife, and the family. Women have more than they can handle to take care of the kids and household work. If enough men had been diligent about their role in the family, women would not have seen the need to step up to the task of working outside of the home to care for a father-abandoned home or help her husband pay the bills. Young girls see this every day and they are learning to have a brain, be strong, be independent, and be prepared to take care of themselves. The world we live in warns us to prepare well for self-preservation and not to expect others to do it.

      More young men are cheating, many older men have mistresses and often ditch their aging wives for younger women, and more marriages are falling through the cracks. More people are shacking and not choosing to marry. Couples choose to have babies without the benefits of marriage. Wealthy men and women have their chosen to sign pre-nuptials because they do not trust that they won't be taken for a big chunk of their wealth if the marriage goes sour. Many married couples have open relationships so that they can have a license of freedom to cheat without penalty. Yes, the media is glamorizing all of this. What message is registering in the minds of growing girls? The message: You never know what a man will do, so "prepare for war during a time of peace. When I was a girl, my mom always said, "A happy child got a thing of his own." She said this to motivate us to prepare for life by being resourceful and independent. She said that we could no longer trust that a man would be there for us, and, from what I see in the world today, she was right. Yes, I know that many women are sour, too. The world around us influences women and men to make choices.


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