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Why Blame The Other Woman When A Man Cheats?

Updated on May 30, 2016
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

One thing I find ridiculous is why a woman will put all the blame on the "other" woman when she finds out her man has cheated. Really?!

Why is it that when some men cheat they are not held accountable or responsible for their actions? Instead, his girlfriend or wife will talk crap about the woman he has been cheating on her with or physically attack her (if she ends up seeing her) as if this other woman forced his penis into her. Really?! I'm sorry, are you just that mesmerized by his dick that you have completely forgotten it takes two people to cheat? And many times, the guy who is doing the cheating is usually not fully disclosing the truth to either women. But why would he? Being honest would mean that he wouldn't be able to have his cake and eat it too.

Wake up ladies! When a man cheats HE is to blame. Period. I get that by pointing your finger and putting all the blame on the other woman it might make it easier for you to stay in denial—in order to keep your relationship from ending or possibly your marriage and the family environment you have created together—but isn't that ultimately a big disservice to you? No one forced him to be unfaithful—that was HIS choice.

There is temptation out there and regardless if another woman throws herself naked at a guy who is in a relationship or married HE is the only one to decide to give into the temptation or not. And if he has given into temptation once (or twice) isn't he capable of doing it again, especially if you don't hold him accountable for his bad behavior?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's completely disrespectful and inappropriate to knowingly flirt, hit on, entice, sleep with, or have a relationship with a man that you fully know is already exclusively involved with someone else. There are enough single men out there—why would you want to be with a guy who is already taken? Usually...it's the ego making that poor decision.

A woman's ego is just as bad (if not worse) than a man's. So many women will purposely seek out men who are already involved with someone else. Frankly it's sad. Women who feel the need to be with men who are already in relationships with someone else have low self-esteem issues, lack self-love and lack respect for themselves and others around them. When you need to have a relationship with a man who you know has a girlfriend or wife it shows huge character flaws.

Most side-chicks lack basic morals and therefore feel entitlement. They feel like they are better than the woman he is committed too, thinking that because he's intimate with them there is something wrong with her. Hmmm.... They also have the delusion that he will one day leave his relationship and will give them what they deserve—the mere fantasy he's created.

Let's be real, the side-chick is not getting the reality. She's getting the guy who is wooing her and excited about her—like when a guy first starts dating, he's putting his best foot forward—versus getting the guy who's comfortable and doesn't feel the need to try, overly stressed, doesn't listen, very selfish, overly worries, complains, never has time, financially burdened, compulsive liar, messy, narcissistic, etc. She is only sharing the good parts, the illusion he's created since they only spend moments with each other—she's playing fantasy girlfriend or "wifey"—but not actually living it. Great. However, on the flip-side, sometimes the side-chick is being lied to as well.

Don't roll your eyes ladies, not all side-chicks are knowingly sleeping with unavailable men. Sometimes they are also being lied to—regardless of the questions they are asking—there are many men who are great liars.

Here are some lies that deceitful men will tell:

  • He's not in a relationship
  • He's separated
  • He's living with a significant other for financial reasons only
  • He's in an unhappy marriage on his way out
  • He's together only for the children—he doesn't love his significant other anymore
  • He just recently got divorced
  • She's just his baby mama
  • He's in the process of a divorce
  • He lives with his mom, in the process of moving or has a difficult "room are"—reasons for why you can't come over
  • His girlfriend/wife doesn't love him, support him or pay attention to him (boo-hoo)

Since lies are usually being told to emotionally reel in (and keep around) the side-chick a guy is cheating with, often she is a victim as well—something (as women) we tend to forget. If she didn't consciously know he was in a committed relationship then she is innocent in the role she played. However, if she eventually found out that he is committed and still continues to stay with him...then yes, she is also to blame.

A friend of mine chooses to be in a relationship with a man who continues to cheat on her, however, it is NEVER his fault. She will be upset with him for a day or two but will never hold him accountable—instead, she puts full blame on the other women. OK?

My friend will tell me that if it wasn't for these other women sexually throwing themselves, flirting, giving their numbers and contacting her man on Facebook then the cheating wouldn't occur. Seriously?! So basically her man needs to be on a leash and kept in a kennel for him not to cheat? Sounds exhausting. My friend will completely discount the fact that he flirts back, takes these women's phone numbers and accepts their friend requests on Facebook. Again, it takes two people to cheat and he is the one who follows through—over and over again. Her fear of being alone has made her overlook reality and what his "story" is to these women he's sleeping with. It's quite sad. Her situation won't change because she doesn't hold him responsible for his disrespectful behavior.

Another friend of mine found out that her boyfriend had a wife. Obviously this was very upsetting and shocking news. She was in a relationship with him for several months but due to his extensive traveling for work, when he was in town they spent most of the time at her place, going out or traveling together—so she never questioned if he was being dishonest about being single. She was so caught up in having this "perfect boyfriend" fantasy—where nothing could possibly be wrong—causing her to ignore several red flags when they first came up.

When the romantic fantasy of being swept off your feet with a guy never stops, it can be hard to want to face the reality that he could possibly be involved with someone else—especially if you are in love with him and he has expressed being open to having a future with you. However, as with many fantasies... they eventually come to an end.

There were certain things that started to not add up:

  • He texted her more than they talked—but would definitely be on his phone talking to other people
  • They rarely spent time at his place—less than a hand full of times and never for sleepovers
  • She never met or spoke to any of his family members
  • They didn't spend major holidays together
  • She only met a few of his friends
  • He didn't share a lot about himself—on a deeper level

As these Red Flags continued to grow, my friend finally couldn't ignore them anymore. Unfortunately through extensive "research" her biggest fear about him came true—he was married. When she confronted him about it, he didn't deny it, however he gave her the typical excuse—he was in a loveless relationship but getting divorced would cause him a huge financial blow that he didn't want to deal with. Seriously?!

My friend's first response was to trash talk the wife—blaming her for why they would never be able to move their relationship to the next level. But, once she regained her senses she realized that if he had been honest with her about being married in the first place she would have never gotten involved with him. Not only did she feel horrible for being involved with a married man, she also was devastated and heart-broken from the entire experience.

Ladies, blaming the other woman when a guy cheats is only setting yourself up for more future cheating and lies to occur. Regardless of how or why he decided to cheat, if he is not mature (or man enough) to break-up with you first, then only he is the only one to blame for his actions. Always remember "What you allow is what will continue."

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 17 months ago

      Excellent article!

      "sometimes the side-chick is being lied to as well." - Very true!

      Oftentimes the "other woman" is labeled a "B" simply because she exists. Nevertheless she may have been played too!

      I believe there are a few reasons why women attack other women. One is the perpetual belief that there are a scarcity of "good men" and therefore if a woman has one she feels the need to guard her territory against other women. The irony is if he were really a "good one" she'd have nothing to worry about.

      Another belief many women often share is (women) are the true "masterminds" in relationships and men are props or tools that are (easily manipulated). In other words (men) are weak!

      A woman looks at another woman wearing a provocative outfit sharing a laugh with (her man) from a distance and instantly her radar goes up. The man may believe the scantily clad woman is just being personable however (his woman) feels she "knows better." She tells herself: "I've got to keep my eye on this hoe!" or "I need to have a (woman to woman) talk with her."

      This belief that men are controlled by their penis is what helps to maintain the "double standard" for gender sexual behavior. While some men may admire guys who are "players" or "playboys" few if any women admire (women) that have a reputation for having sex with several guys. They see her as threat! Therefore it's not uncommon for (women) to be the first to label her a "slut", "hoe", or "b". They have no desire to befriend her.

      Deep down most women believe they could go out and get the average guy to have sex with her regardless of his marital or relationship status if she is considered "hot". They also know they have guys in their "friend zone" who would jump at the chance to have sex if they gave them the "green light". Essentially women believe men can't help themselves!

      Basically women feel it's too easy for women to seduce men!

      It's like the Pavlov dog experiment: A beautiful woman wearing a red micro mini skirt, bare legs, a plunging neckline, three inch heels, shoulder length hair and a beautiful smile is likely to generate a lot of male "admirers" when she enters a room regardless of their marital status. Now if you have this woman flirt with a man providing him an opportunity to turn a momentary fantasy into reality the steaks rise.

      Unless the other woman is your friend, co-worker, or someone in your social circle (she) is not betraying you. Cheating is a choice made by your mate whether he was proactively looking or an opportunity arose.