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Wife Won't Let You Wear Panties? What Can You Do?

Updated on October 21, 2009

So your wife won't let you wear panties. You've been married for a wee while and for the first part of your marriage, wearing lingerie didn't feature as being a big issue for some reason. Maybe you were so buzzed on love you didn't think about lingerie. Maybe your desire to wear lingerie has recently grown. Maybe you were busy dealing with other issues that distracted you from lingerie and now life has calmed down to the point that your mind is wandering back to the joys of lingerie.

But there is a fly in the ointment. That fly takes up the same volume in the space time continuum as your wife, because it is your wife, and she won't let you wear panties.

(Note that because I write a great deal of these articles, I am going to be quite situation specific in this one in the interests of making this article more useful for people who find themselves in this quandary. I think you'll find however, no matter what your situation is, the advice in this article will probably apply to you on some level.)

I know that there are many men in this situation, as ludicrous as the situation actually is. Why a woman would dictate to a grown man what underwear he is and is not allowed to wear is beyond me. It suggests a level of micromanaging control that cannot possibly be healthy, and that cannot lead to happiness for either party. Even if the female partner manages to control the male down to his underwear, she will need to constantly be vigilant, ensuring that he does not step outside the many boundaries she has set for him.

If we reverse the situation and imagine a man so controlling as to dictate what underwear his wife wears, then we see just how wrong this control is. Such a man would be derided and ostracised, and some might even advise a woman to leave any man who thinks it is his business to determine what she wears.

But you don't want to leave your wife. You want to make things work. So what can you do? Well, the first thing you need to do is work on increasing the trust in your relationship. Controlling behavior comes from fear, which comes from a lack of trust. There may be steps you can take to help your partner feel more secure, and communicating more will help in this respect. Please note that I am not talking about communicating more about your desire to wear panties. She doesn't care about your desire to wear panties at this point and if all you do is go on about it and think that is you being more communicative, then you're missing the point. The first steps to communicating more effectively are communicating about things that matter to her. Later on, sharing your desires and thoughts will be received with greater appreciation. It's tempting to pull away when your partner isn't giving you what you want, but that only serves to deepen the divide and may eventually lead to alienation and estrangement.

Depending on your wife, spending more time communicating and fulfilling her secret desires (she has them, and communication will draw them out,) may help things considerably. It really depends on how deep seated her insecurities are and how strongly she believes in the notion of male and female clothing.

The larger purpose of the article is this: nothing in a relationship exists on its own. You can't separate her refusal to let your wear lingerie from other issues you may be experiencing. You can't separate her need to control your clothing from her need to control other aspects of your life together.

Sure, you can take the 'easy' route and simply sneak around in lingerie. Depending on your interest in lingerie, this may even be more fun for you. If she catches you however, there will be hell to pay, and not the fun sort of hell that leads to great make up intimacy, the horrible sort of hell which destroys trust.

Personally, I think the best any man can do is to try his best to reassure and be there for his wife, whilst at the same time, simply wearing what he wants to wear. You don't have to shove it in her face, and you don't have to do it all the time, but oddly enough, chances are she will respect you more if you simply tell her you are going to wear lingerie sometimes and then go ahead and do it. If that turns into a major fight, then the issues in the relationship are much deeper than your lingerie drawer.


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    • MrsJdenim profile image

      MrsJdenim 8 years ago from nj

      My husband is a great man. He works hard to provide everything we need or want. If he wanted some panties I would be shopping for them . It would not bother me one bit.

    • profile image

      Wren 8 years ago

      Hope -

      An excellent article! Direct and to the point.



    • profile image

      Lester Q. Lee 8 years ago

      Dear Hope,

      Of all of your wonderful articles, I sincerely believe that this one has got to be one of your best! Congratulations.

      I just hope that the guys out there who "fall into this Category," take the time to read and apply your suggestions!

      Good job!