How to Cope With Heartbreak After Your Relationship Failed
How are You Coping With Heartbreak
For people who have suffered the pain of divorce, finding love again can be tremendously challenging. It isn't just the process of getting back into the dating game that's difficult — the heart and mind can create barriers that makes the searching process feel like walking through quicksand: getting nowhere fast.
A lot of things happen in relationships. Some go the way we want them while others go the other way. A lot of men and women stumble severally on affairs of the heart. Some don’t get over broken relationships but others do.
After a broken affair, those who find it hard to get into the next one based their reasons on the fact that there is no guarantee that the next one would be better. But there are others who would shake off the dust and move on and indeed, keep moving on until they get it right.
So, where do you belong? Do you shake off a bad relationship as a bad dream and move on or do you get stuck in the mud? When a relationship ends, we figure out what we do and do not want our next relationship to include. We don’t want to be with someone who evokes the parts of our exes that we dislike. In fact, sometimes we want our next relationship to be with somebody who is the complete opposite of our most recent ex. However, when said new relationship begins, we are inclined to start playing the comparison game. How do you cope with heartbreak? This is the pathetic story of Joyce who the husband abandoned for another woman.
“Clifford, my ex-husband has abandoned me with my kids and gone with a much younger woman. It was like living a nightmare when he left so he could be with her any time he felt like it. I borne the burden to feed and clothe our children while he showed no concern worried me. Dealing with the financial worries as well as trying to care for my bewildered children was taking its toll on me,” said Joyce, a 38-year-old banker who’s currently separated from her husband of fifteen years.
She sought advice from a friend who had been through similar experience years earlier, who told her, “You can’t change his behavior –all you can change is your reaction to his behavior.”
To find meaningful love after divorce, many men and women re-enter the dating world carrying a tremendous load of emotional baggage with them. They may think they are hiding it from view, but until they truly let go of the anger, hurt and resentment, it is actually there for all to see. It is natural to feel a bit skeptical about love after losing a marriage, but when people cannot let go of the bitterness they are building a wall around them and keeping potential future love out. Negativity, sarcasm, pessimism and other signs of being bitter are written all over their faces, slipping out during conversations and sending a negative energy vibe to anyone who approaches them. So try to change this.
She didn’t know how to change her reaction. She’d already tried the usual methods of coping with marriage breakdown –drowning her sorrows with wine, throwing herself into her work, doing a bit of forced socializing and counseling, but she was still devastated.
Love will not arrive at your doorstep, so it is time to get out in the world once more. Volunteering or taking up hobbies in a social setting will increase the likelihood of finding a compatible partner with shared interests — a great starting point for a new relationship.
However, divorce comes with grieving. Whether you initiated the divorce or didn’t want it whatsoever, there is a healing time required before you are ready to date again. Trying to jump back into dating and skipping the grief process altogether will not work in the long run. You need to have some quiet time acknowledging and coming to terms with the loss of a marriage. Some may find healing through therapy, reading or yoga. No matter which method helps them heal, when the mind, body and spirit feel connected and healthy once more, that is the time to begin searching for a new love — no sooner.
“My husband and I had met fifteen years ago at a friend’s birthday party,” she further explained. “It was pretty much #love at first sight and soon we were inseparable. After an exciting courtship, marriage and two lovely children now thirteen and eleven years, crack began to show by the time he met the #woman. We slept with our backs to each other and had a #miserable two years in which we either avoided each other or #disagreed about every little thing.
Clifford had fallen for a young woman he’d met a year previously through a #mutual friend of ours. Joyce was #devastated. He refused to give her up after they’d had heated arguments about her, in the end, he opted to move out. The first few weeks after he left, the children and she went about every day in a state of #bewilderment. There were times they got four plates out at #meal times by mistake, eating in numb #silence and painfully aware of empty fourth chair. After a while, the children seemed to be more accepting of the situation. But she was still failing to contain her #heartbreak.
“The level of anger and #resentment I felt scared me at times and I knew it was #detrimental for the #children as well. I would get stressed about every little thing and yell at them, or they’d find me #sobbing at the dining table, feeling unloved, and totally out of my depth. I knew something had to change, but how?”
This is what a #man who had #suffered heartbreak had to say. “I have suffered heartbreak as a young man. I’d loved #girls who later dumped me and got #married but that was understandable then because I was young and not ready for #commitment. I had also had to call off some #relationship, because even when the ladies involved had special places in my heart and wanted me to be committed, I was not ready for it and set them free. But after I graduated from the university and worked for a few years, I began to get ready for the future and unconsciously searched for the rightwoman to settle down with. It dawned on me that on my 30th birthday that I was alone. All my guys gathered for the occasion with their serious dates. Some came with their #wives.”
He knew that he had to seriously begin to think of getting into a lasting #relationship. A few months after his birthday, he met Ruth in a bank. She almost rammed into his car in her weathered VW Golf and he really gave her a piece of his mind.
“But her calmness at my hot words #shock me to the very marrow. She did not utter a word but found a space to park after which she came to me to inquire why I was full of vulgar words. Those made me check myself, as she humbly #apologized for her careless driving. I used the #opportunity and checked her out and noticed she was not wearing a wedding she was beautiful and I loved her. We exchanged cards and I tossed hers into my pigeon hole and forgot her. It was about four months later when I took my car to the mechanic that I saw her card again. I could not remember who she was I called her all the same and she reminded me.
They had lunch a few days later and continued to meet and then became #dates officially. Before his 31st birthday, she had met his family and he’d met hers and he had made his intention known to both #families. Ruth had also accepted his hand in #marriage and had taken him to the priest of her church. He was not a Catholic but he was to become one because of Ruth. He had to wed in a #Catholic Church. His family accepted that fact and they began to map out plans. Then one weekend, Ruth did not come as she was meant to. And she was never to come.
“I could not explain it to myself, to my family or my friends. I visited her family but found no clue. I continued until the day I saw Ruth helping a blind man into her compound. But he was a fool. The blind man was the man Ruth eventually married.”
She apologized profusely blaming herself for everything. She only helped him to cross the road and then fell ‘heads over heels’ in love with him.
Solomon was a very handsome man. If he had been deformed and Ruth abandoned him, he would understand. But there was nothing wrong with him. If he’d lost her to a man like him or a better-looking man, he’d understand but now he couldn’t.
At times, there are differences between the couple that are hard to reconcile. Some destructive behaviors such as abuse, adultery and addictions are impossible to tolerate or accept. Over time these destructive behavior grow into fundamental differences that cannot be tolerated.
The greater number of difference or intensity of the beliefs between the partners, the more difficult time they will have in achieving stability in their relationship. One or both #partners can become greatly critical and angry over small issues. Commitment to the partner and the relationship starts to wane. Communication breaks down and depression may set in. One or both partners may start to seek outside people to verify their beliefs about how bad their partner is. They seek interests outside the relationship and begin to invest more energy away from their partner. They may seek out a transitional person as a friend or lover to get them through this critical time. If the transitional people they choose support them in their belief on how bad the partner is, then they are more likely to consider leaving.
Breaking up happens when one or both members of the couple decided that there are fundamental in their partner that they can’t stand. The decision to leave the relationship happens when one or both decide that there is a fatal flaw in their partner that they no longer live with.It’s easy to use your partner as a handy sponge to absorb all your angst and to vent your spleen on. But that doesn’t make it right. I’ve known plenty of couples who are snappy and irritable with each other regularly, or even downright rude, simply because either has done anything wrong. None of them have really happy and enviable relationships mind you. If your partner loves you for who you are, they won’t try to change you into anything else, but will help you to be stronger and more confident and secure as a person, and to have greater self-esteem.
The question now is will you go for another relationship when your first one failed?