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Women Are Giving Away the Milk and Honey

Updated on June 15, 2013

Volume XVII

About five years ago, my then girlfriend and I began talking about having a child. I could have said no because we were not financially stable. I could have said no because, at the time, our relationship was not in a healthy place. I even could have said no because I hadn't really wrapped my mind around the whole idea of being a mother to a child of my own. But what made me initially say no was the idea that if she wanted me to have a baby that we were going to raise as a family she was going to marry me. It didn't matter to me that it wasn't legally recognized in the state in which we resided. What mattered was that she understood that I wasn't the kind of woman who was going to be fooled into producing babies with a man for my lesbian lover and I to raise together only to have her up and leave when she pleased leaving me stuck. Why can’t more lesbians and straight women, for that matter, get the cliché, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”

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This blog started with me talking to my friend about her current relationship. She has been dating this man for less than a year, and they have moved in together. When she said that she was traveling with his young daughter, and I jokingly said that she was playing mommy for the day, she corrected me and said that she is a mother everyday all day. Since she has no children of her own, I assumed she was referring to mothering his three children by three different women. At some point in the conversation, she mentioned that she was on her menstrual cycle and commented about how relieved she was that it came. That’s right. She could have possibly been pregnant. When I asked her when they were going to get married, she said his mother and her mother have been asking the same thing. She acted as if everyone else was strange for making the suggestion since they haven’t even been together for a year. She is giving him until February 2013 to pop the question. Let’s get this right. You can move in with him, have unprotected sex with him, and develop relationships with his children but insisting on marriage before a year is silly. Now if she was one of those modern women who didn't want marriage then this would all sound reasonable. But it sounds to me like she is selling herself short.

Change a few details and you have yourself, or perhaps your friends, or maybe just some woman you know who has given her all to a man or woman whose mother and/or children will get everything they own if they should die today or tomorrow. You let him move in your home without getting an understanding of who is paying the bills, because ‘you don’t need no man to do nothing for you’. You signed your name on his car because his credit was bad and now yours is about to be too. You cook his meals, do his laundry, deal with his baby mama, and try your best to bond with his children. You give him a child or two or three. Speaking of three, all in hopes of marriage someday, you have even given him that threesome.

How many ways does this need to be said? Steve Harvey tried to give you the age old message with a new school twist, ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. Though he sold millions, the state of the woman has not seemed to improve one iota. Now more than ever, not only are men and women getting the milk but all the honey too. Learn your worth and stop settling. The truth is if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your goals or your intentions; you are just as lonely inside the relationship as you will be outside of it.

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    • AMarie Jackson profile image

      AMarie Jackson 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

      I hope her plan works. In this instance, I told you so would give me no satisfaction.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Subconsciously both men and women (choose) to do whatever they (believe) it will take to get the things they want. This explains why when one is attracted to someone (new) they rarely if ever use the word "no" to any suggestion. If a person thinks a man/woman is "hot" they will say (yes) to just about anything (early on) in order to avoid "blowing" their chance to be with them.

      Your friend may have thought if she said (no) to moving in with this man then he would have found soomeone else who would have said (yes). She may also have thought living together is the "next step" towards getting married. In fact it's been reported that 52% of all weddings take place between couples that have lived together.

      With regard to unprotected sex I have to wonder if she thought by getting pregnant he woud propose marriage. Some women are also happy with having a "permanent link" (child) to the man they love. We have many forms of birth control which would have allowed them to have (unprotected sex) if so desired including the pill, sponge,diaphragm, the Depo-Provera shot (lasts for 3 months), or the implant which lasts up to 3 years! We also have (the morning after pill). My point is a man can't force a woman to have his child! It's the woman's "right" to "choose". There is no such thing as an "accidental birth". Therefore a woman who moves in with a man, has unprotected sex, and gives birth to his child is making (choices) she (believes) will lead to her getting what she wants from him.

    • AMarie Jackson profile image

      AMarie Jackson 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

      I can't say that he doesn't want tp marry her. He probably does. Perhaps they will eventually marry and spend the rest of their lives together. I just can't understand if marriage is what she wants why she is choosing to settle for less and wait for the rest. What would it have hurted to wait to move in together? What would it have hurted to wait to have unprotected sex? I just think her marital stock took a nose dive when she made these moves.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      AMarie Jackson, You make a valid point. In fact most women no matter how (strong) they purport to be (choose) to take the weaker/reactive approach when it comes to marriage proposals. They'd rather hang in there for years hoping a guy "comes to his senses" or complain about the years they've invested in a relationship. My mother use to say, "If it ain't worth asking for it's not worth having." A strong person is "proactive" when they (want) something.

      It's almost 2013. I believe women such as your friend who (choose) to put themselves in this situation and hide behind "tradition" are either too (ego) driven to risk rejection or they don't want to face the truth which is the man is not "in love" with her or doesn't want to get married period.

      The idea of "soul mates" is based upon two people having (mutual) feelings for one another. In order for him to be "the one" he would have to see her as being "the one".

      All marriages will have their share of challenges but at the very least a marriage should start off with (both people) wanting to get married! The question someone needs to ask your friend is; Why do you want to marry someone who does not want to marry you?

    • AMarie Jackson profile image

      AMarie Jackson 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

      That is a great idea. But perhaps she wants a traditional male proposal for this non- traditional relationship.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      "When we change our circumstances change."

      Lets face it each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Some of these women are attracted to broken men or "stray dogs" because THEY (the women) on some level want "drama" or want to be "needed" They believe if he "needs" me he won't leave me. By the way there are men guilty of this as well. As one of my friends calls them "Captain Save A Ho". They charge in to the rescue paying the woman's bills, buying clothes for her and her kids, drop some spending money on her and give away the (sausage) for free. :-)

      In the mean time she is still dealing with the (thug) types on the side who helped put her in the bad position. Bottom line people are going to do whatever (they) want to do and will always find a way to "justify" it. The easy thing to do is blame the man or woman a friend is dating or state how they desrve better....but if that's not what (they) want then they will never get it. Life is personal journey!

      Instead of your friend waiting around for Valentines 2013 for him to propose (she) could propose to him today! Any reply longer than a fast "yes" should tell her he does not think she is "the one". People don't ask tough questions because they don't want to have to deal with the facts. I talk about this in my book; My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). Stop trying to change water into wine and instead find someone who (already) is the person you want. :-)

    • AMarie Jackson profile image

      AMarie Jackson 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

      Perhaps we are. I have seen quite a few relationships begin under circumstances that to the average person would have suggested that the relationship should end, but it endured. For all the things my wife and I have gone through, a different woman would have left. I do understand that there are gray areas, but these women seem to be reading too much Fifty Shades of Grey.

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York

      I believe you're right. It's very wise to be cautious. In any relationship, someone may have his/her own agenda and be using you for his/her own ends.

      In the words of Oscar Wilde:

      "In any relationship, there is the person who is in love, and the other person, who condescends to be so treated."

      Aren't we just a pair of cynics?


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