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You Can Help Who You Love

Updated on February 5, 2011


You Can Help Who You Fall In Love With

Some people say you can’t help who you fall in love with and I disagree.  The first time you meet someone you can begin the initial screening process. I don’t mean go down a line up of questions but observe that person and that individual beyond their looks.

I had a bad date not too long ago and when I thought back to the first time I met this guy-I had every indication that he was that type of jerk!  How did I know?  His dialogue on phone conversations seemed witty and funny but not full of “regular vocabulary” that I’m accustomed to hearing.  He mentioned too many issues with how women behave and act as a single man. (Women are not the only one’s who are bitter) When we met, although he made it a point to come say hello after I struck up conversation, he was also “very attentive” to everyone passing by.  He bragged about his business (unsolicited or not requested by me) but was drinking the drink special for the night – (inconsistency).  I will spare you the details of the date disaster but I’m giving you the information about the initial meeting and the conversation following because I had every indication that the date and our interaction would be a disaster.

My point – you can help who you fall in love with. Although that was a date story I had plenty of clues that we might not be on the same page before agreeing to meet with this person.

When casually dating someone; you never give your heart right away to the other person- man or woman – because they have not earned it yet.  While dating you try to figure out who this person is beyond the attraction and sex/sex appeal. 

Do they spend time with family? (Indication if family is important to them.)

Are they actively involved with their children, nieces, nephews? 

Are they financially responsible –does this person live lavish and work at Wal-Mart p/t? 

Did they prepare for their future: college, trade, apprenticeship, business owner? (Will they be a financial burden or have unrealistic expectations of money people should spend on them?)

What do they want to do for a living or hope to accomplish? (Men/Women –if that person doesn’t have a goal and dream and try to move towards it but expect lavish things sitting at a dead end job-no)

Does their income match their lifestyle or does they lifestyle exceed their income? 

Are they rude or condescending to other people or waitresses? 

Are they easy going?

What are their moral values? (You can ask this by covering news events……………….Did you hear Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are getting divorced?  Yeah, he was having an affair with one of her friends.  Wait to see his/her response) 

Do they believe in a higher power and Practice those principles? (Don’t tell me you believe in karma but you are deceitful and maliciously discuss others behind their backs while smiling in their faces)

Do you witness them do the right thing or do you see them get over whenever they can? (If they do it to others they will do it to you too)

Does this person always do things last minute and/or is late with their mortgage or rent? 

Does this person almost run out of gas or run out of gas completely? (Bad sign-they are irresponsible. I mean really, did you not see the gas light come on miles ago and you did nothing about it?)

Has one of their credit cards ever been declined? (living beyond your means and not keeping up financially with your activities – irresponsible)

Call that person on a whim and ask to stop by. See how they really live when they don’t have time to tidy up. (crazy messed up house = crazy chaotic life)

Do they call out sick to their job all the time? (job stability questionable)


You can choose who you love but you want to find out questions to determine what type of person this person really is, what they are about, and if they fit into your objectives.  If they don’t fit then they don’t’ fit. Don’t waste your time making excuses and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  It can be a hard decision sometimes but you know when you aren’t going to be happy with the person that you choose and their few qualities are not enough to excuse what they lack.

***I met a man who was great to me. Sweet and considerate.  We had fun together and he liked me as a person and I was attracted to him.  He was a real guy, always looked out for my best interest, and was a total alpha male protector which I love. He had a great work ethic and seemed to be an involved father.

Me: I have 0 kids; I do what I want to do when I want to, eat out at various places and like to travel. I also enjoy sports bars, lounges, art exhibits, learned salsa dancing, and like to experience new things. College educated (twice) and focused on living a comfortable lifestyle while doing what I love.

Him: Father of 3 kids, married once. He enjoyed sitting at home drinking a beer after work every day of the week. Rarely gets out and not for sushi. Never left the south.  Never can take me out because he’s financially stressed but thinks it should be my delight to run over and cook dinner for him all the time.  Never travel and experiencing different things because he has a small mind and doesn’t even eat food any different than soul food. Somewhat cunning more than intelligent. Wanted a relationship with me.


Question I ask any person to determine what their dreams or mindset. Everyone should ask a date this question because it will tell you so much about that person.

If you won $1 million dollars (after taxes) from the lottery what would you do?

(His response) I wouldn’t do anything different than what I do now.  I would just want to go to a different place and eat some food that I knew would be great come home and drink a beer.



Now you look at that picture and tell me why I would choose a relationship where I would be unhappy, bored out of my mind, burdened with the responsibility of his financial obligations, never travel, and he would be dependent on my income for success?  How long do you think it would take me before I resented him and his situation?  How long do you think before I ran into someone more “well rounded” and intellectual who I had commonalities with to spark my interest?  Is baby momma drama present?

You can choose who you love. I politely told this person that I loved their good qualities but hey have lived an entire lifetime before meeting me.  He’s done (family/children) and I have yet to begin.  I know I worked hard to make decent decisions about my future and the life of my future children so they have the foundation to accomplish more than I did and to see/do more than I have.  Why would I peddle forward and pick someone on cruise control on my two seated bike with three 30 pound weighs while I’m trying to move forward?

My mom always says: You don’t know hell until you get with the wrong person.



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