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You Have To Respect Yourself First. Then Others Will Respect You, Too. - Relationship Advice

Updated on July 15, 2010


I've been in this on-off relationship with this guy for about 8 years. It's kinda become a justin bobby-audrina thing (sorry love the hills). When we met I was 90 lbs (I'm 5 ft so it worked without looking sickly). I don't weigh that little anymore but I still think I'm attractive. However he makes me feel so miserable about myself. He makes comments, comments on other girls and how fab they look. He gets me so depressed i just can't find any motivation to do anything other than sleep and drink. He said "I'm always gonna make comments" and anytime I address this he flips. I do all I can for him. I cook, I clean his house but i just feel like nothing is good enough for him. Mind you he's no prize either. I don't know why but I can't leave him, can't stand to see him with anyone else. Idk maybe it's just I haven't known anything different/better. I've been thru a lot and it's just mind-boggling why he would be so selfish still. Hopefully you'll have some advice bc it's just unbearable...but I can't leave!

- Christy <3


You reinforce for him over and over every day that he is allowed to treat you like shit. You show no respect for yourself, so why should he respect you. By allowing him to do this with no consequence, you are saying to him and to the rest of the world that you don't matter. He's even telling you, he's always going to make comments, he's always going to be asshole. And by staying you are giving him permission. 

You repeated several times you can't leave. That's wrong. You can of course leave. If you loved yourself or had any self respect you would be long gone. You meant to say you won't leave. You choose to be treated like shit. Every day you make the choice again and again, allowing him to abuse you. 

There's very little advice I can give when you state you want to be pissed on and abused, and you want to stay with someone that clearly doesn't love you. Frankly I have no idea what you're asking me. Do you think I'll come up with advice on how to make it easier to have no self respect? Do you think I'll do exactly what I'm doing, echoing what you already know and have probably heard from any person in the world who gives a crap about you?

Do you have kids, or want to have kids? What kind of a mother would you be? This would be the example you'd be setting for a daughter. You'd be teaching her how to not respect herself, and how to make sure no one in her life will either. What kind of example would you be to a son? You'd be teaching him he can abuse women, and that's perfectly acceptable. Expected. Normal. Since they'd have no other healthy frame of reference, you would be molding their minds to see how relationships work. 

There's something very wrong with you if you honestly can't stand to see a guy who treats you like shit, with someone else. Seriously, something very very wrong. If I can give you any advice at all, it would be that you seek and find the professional help that you need.

Your words aren't those of a battered woman. You don't make excuses or pretend it isn't there. You don't describe a skewed situation with vagary or confusion. Your words are more like a heroine addict's. You make no excuses, you sound intelligent and you've explained the situation in a very frightening and realistic way. Yet you repeat and reinforce that you will not leave him. 

It isn't "mind boggling" that he continues to be the way he is when you prove to him day in and day out that you accept it by staying. He has no reason to change. 

Christy <3, if you've gotten this far into this Hub, then I am going to assume that despite what you said, you really do want to "know something different or better."

New doors can not open until old ones close. You can't expect to ever meet anyone decent if you stay where you are. You have to change to invite change. You have the power to do this. You're just not making the choice to do this. 

Obviously there's some very major childhood issues or some real damage going on with you that I don't know about. But I do know many people who have had utterly horrific childhoods that have gotten the help they've needed and grown up to be viable beautiful adults that love themselves, and are loved by the people they choose to surround themselves with.

Your life doesn't have to be any different form theirs.

You need to really ask yourself why you don't want to be loved. You need to ask yourself why you choose to be with someone who tries intentionally to damage your heart. You need to figure out why you have no self respect. And you need to change. 

People are going to treat you exactly as you treat yourself. They are going to do what they can get away with. When you allow them to get away with murder... guess what.

And don't forget that like attracts like. When you behave in a self deprecating, pathetic way, you will absolutely attract people that want to prey on that.

These are choices. There is nothing you can't do. You can do anything you choose to do. If you choose to have self respect, you will change your life. You can decide how people will treat you simply by saying "No." When you love yourself, and respect yourself, you will attract people that can love and respect you too.

You can choose not to let people that don't treat you right into your life. It should not be hard at all to remove people from your life that have no regard for your mental health or your heart. If it is hard, then I am serious when I say you need to get help. You need to see a professional counselor to figure out why you choose to be treated so badly.

I wish you would love you.



Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    Ann 7 years ago

    It felt like a total mind twist when i realized my husband treated me like shit, 'cause i never thought of it that way. It wasn't my way of thinking, i was pretty naïve when i met him. It turned out he had (probaby still has) some narcissistic trades and his mind games helped a lot in doubting and blaming myself. I lost all my energy and life for existing, i didn't care anymore. I went to therapy (never thought i would do that), got in contact with family/friends again and took a really good look at myself and my behaviour. Sometimes letting go is the best option. Medication/therapy can be a great help, but you've to make it work.

    Healing takes time, be patient and nice to you!

  • profile image

    Christy <3 7 years ago

    I really don't mean to be *that* depressing. Just...idk. It is what it is. And I have a therapist/psychiatrist but there's only so much Xanax and etc can help.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY


  • profile image

    Christy <3 7 years ago

    You're dead-on with the childhood issues. As well as more recent ones. I really wish I could say that's the worst of this relationship. But it's kinda the tip of the iceberg. It's hard to move on to anything better when any moment of relative happiness is far beyond me. There are fleeting moments of normalcy. I see his family and they're cordial to me - a step up from my "family". I made a mistake in saying our relationship is like Audrina and Justin Bobby's. It's really more like Heidi and Spencer - given the really bad control issues and what not.

  • profile image

    Margie 7 years ago

    Wow Veronica. This is such a powerful hub. Thank you for writing it. I really hope this girl takes your smart advice.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Thanks Sa'ge!

  • Sa`ge profile image

    Sa`ge 7 years ago from Barefoot Island

    Christy, you care more about him and his thing then you and yours. Turn the tables around girl, start to think about you and your thing. You and your life, you and your house, you and your laundry, cooking and caring. Girl, when you make your life about you instead of him, things will change, either her will leave you or you will leave him or he may start to look at you more then other women. You won't know until you try it. Go for it girl! Try it you might like it, "YOUrSELF"! ~aloha~