- Gender and Relationships
You Have To Respect Yourself First. Then Others Will Respect You, Too. - Relationship Advice
I've been in this on-off relationship with this guy for about 8 years. It's kinda become a justin bobby-audrina thing (sorry love the hills). When we met I was 90 lbs (I'm 5 ft so it worked without looking sickly). I don't weigh that little anymore but I still think I'm attractive. However he makes me feel so miserable about myself. He makes comments, comments on other girls and how fab they look. He gets me so depressed i just can't find any motivation to do anything other than sleep and drink. He said "I'm always gonna make comments" and anytime I address this he flips. I do all I can for him. I cook, I clean his house but i just feel like nothing is good enough for him. Mind you he's no prize either. I don't know why but I can't leave him, can't stand to see him with anyone else. Idk maybe it's just I haven't known anything different/better. I've been thru a lot and it's just mind-boggling why he would be so selfish still. Hopefully you'll have some advice bc it's just unbearable...but I can't leave!
You reinforce for him over and over every day that he is allowed to treat you like shit. You show no respect for yourself, so why should he respect you. By allowing him to do this with no consequence, you are saying to him and to the rest of the world that you don't matter. He's even telling you, he's always going to make comments, he's always going to be asshole. And by staying you are giving him permission.
You repeated several times you can't leave. That's wrong. You can of course leave. If you loved yourself or had any self respect you would be long gone. You meant to say you won't leave. You choose to be treated like shit. Every day you make the choice again and again, allowing him to abuse you.
There's very little advice I can give when you state you want to be pissed on and abused, and you want to stay with someone that clearly doesn't love you. Frankly I have no idea what you're asking me. Do you think I'll come up with advice on how to make it easier to have no self respect? Do you think I'll do exactly what I'm doing, echoing what you already know and have probably heard from any person in the world who gives a crap about you?
Do you have kids, or want to have kids? What kind of a mother would you be? This would be the example you'd be setting for a daughter. You'd be teaching her how to not respect herself, and how to make sure no one in her life will either. What kind of example would you be to a son? You'd be teaching him he can abuse women, and that's perfectly acceptable. Expected. Normal. Since they'd have no other healthy frame of reference, you would be molding their minds to see how relationships work.
There's something very wrong with you if you honestly can't stand to see a guy who treats you like shit, with someone else. Seriously, something very very wrong. If I can give you any advice at all, it would be that you seek and find the professional help that you need.
Your words aren't those of a battered woman. You don't make excuses or pretend it isn't there. You don't describe a skewed situation with vagary or confusion. Your words are more like a heroine addict's. You make no excuses, you sound intelligent and you've explained the situation in a very frightening and realistic way. Yet you repeat and reinforce that you will not leave him.
It isn't "mind boggling" that he continues to be the way he is when you prove to him day in and day out that you accept it by staying. He has no reason to change.
Christy <3, if you've gotten this far into this Hub, then I am going to assume that despite what you said, you really do want to "know something different or better."
New doors can not open until old ones close. You can't expect to ever meet anyone decent if you stay where you are. You have to change to invite change. You have the power to do this. You're just not making the choice to do this.
Obviously there's some very major childhood issues or some real damage going on with you that I don't know about. But I do know many people who have had utterly horrific childhoods that have gotten the help they've needed and grown up to be viable beautiful adults that love themselves, and are loved by the people they choose to surround themselves with.
Your life doesn't have to be any different form theirs.
You need to really ask yourself why you don't want to be loved. You need to ask yourself why you choose to be with someone who tries intentionally to damage your heart. You need to figure out why you have no self respect. And you need to change.
People are going to treat you exactly as you treat yourself. They are going to do what they can get away with. When you allow them to get away with murder... guess what.
And don't forget that like attracts like. When you behave in a self deprecating, pathetic way, you will absolutely attract people that want to prey on that.
These are choices. There is nothing you can't do. You can do anything you choose to do. If you choose to have self respect, you will change your life. You can decide how people will treat you simply by saying "No." When you love yourself, and respect yourself, you will attract people that can love and respect you too.
You can choose not to let people that don't treat you right into your life. It should not be hard at all to remove people from your life that have no regard for your mental health or your heart. If it is hard, then I am serious when I say you need to get help. You need to see a professional counselor to figure out why you choose to be treated so badly.
I wish you would love you.