You Have to Get Along to Go Along
I was laying out by the pool one Sunday with a drink in one hand and a book in the other. I stumbled upon the following sentence, written by one of my favorite authors:
"You had to get along to go along." - The Last Coyote, A Harry Bosch novel by Michael Connelly
This struck a cord for me. I felt a little twang inside. That Aha! moment. Pretty much sums up my last relationship. If I had got along, we would have went along further into the relationship. He told me that I just fussed too much. Means the same thing, right? But, then wouldn't that make me just...easy? Who wants someone who is easy and just goes along with everything?
What's all the fuss about?
Maybe, if I didn't have things to fuss about, i.e. you staying out until 1:30 AM and then texting me to say, "I'm just going to sleep here tonight." Thanks for the notice buddy! I'm sure you are since it's already past midnight making it now Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday. Not Friday or Saturday night, this was a Tuesday night. He is 43 years old and he is choosing to wake up on a friend's couch in the morning instead of in my bed (he stayed with me every other night except when his children were over). Tell me what I didn't have to fuss about here? I'm sure if I had been the texter and he the text recipient he may have fussed a little too, no?
That was That
I resisted the urge to answer that text until the next morning. Even though I was still awake when it came through and waiting on him to get home. Then before going to work, I replied, "Go ahead. And sleep there every night." He acted surprised. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Yes, we fought all the time. Mainly, we fought because, I have standards. Mainly, because I'm not easy. Mainly, because I don't like to be handled. Early on, he told me that he liked the fact that he couldn't run over me. That eventually turned into me being "just too fussy". Am I fussy? Sure. Did I have reason to be? Of course. You think this was all that the man put me through? Hell no.
But, I'm not here to fuss (laughing). My point is, if I had just bit my tongue enough times we would still be in a relationship. Gaining that valuable thing, time together. That foundation many men and women consider so irreplaceable. The time they have already put in with someone.
Many will say, "But, we have been together so long I feel the need to try and make it work."
But, at what cost? Should I have put more work into not fussing as much just in order to go along? I don't think so. That would not have been what I would consider quality time. Time put in, is not always quality time. Sometimes, its just time spent. The value of it wasn't worth it to me.
I knew it wasn't worth it because, regardless of the situation and how I approached it, the behavior never changed. There was always a flagrant disregard for me being in that relationship. Or at least that is how it made me feel.
Like an afterthought. "Oh yeah, by the way, I am gonna do this..."
Never were things brought up beforehand to discuss like adults. It was always at the last minute so even if there was an issue, it was too late because it was already happening. He would just deal with the aftershocks. I finally realized no matter how much I liked this man, it didn't counter the stress dealing with him put on me. Weighing the pros against the cons, made it clear to me that it was not worth it. I wasn't asking him to change what he was doing. I was asking him to change his behavior in delivering the news to me. He always took it as I didn't want him doing something. Something that was a misunderstanding that had he brought something up in time to discuss is before it was actually occuring, he may have realized what it was I was truly upset about. But, he never operated that way. So, guess what, I fussed.
I chose not to settle for less. I chose not to get along in order to go along.
Did I behave in the best way I could have? No. Was it all his fault? No. What was my fault was staying in a relationship that I gave a benefit of the doubt that it could improve. I chose not to settle for that. He was probably my most favorite boyfriend up until this point. He was fun, he was outgoing, he was responsible with the bills, he had money, he was an involved and attentive father. Yet, it wasn't enough to hold me. I was not about to settle for all of that and live with a headache for the rest of my life trying to deal with someone who can't grasp the concept of being accountable to your partner. I will not ever get along just to go along. Relationships aren't about one side deciding to just get along, relationships are about getting to a point, together, where you can go along, together.
© 2016 HanDelsmen