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You Know You've Been Married Too Long When . . .

Updated on July 24, 2016
Married Too Long?
Married Too Long?

— your partner can hit all of your hot buttons using just 3 or 4 words.

— you realize your next wedding anniversary is the Double-A Battery Anniversary.

— you start wearing the same size pants.

— you know exactly how she likes her tea, coffee and cocoa, know which wines she will or won’t drink and can’t abide, know that pepper is fine on corn-on-the-cob but never on salad, and know that you better not ever place the toilet paper on the roll with the tail of fresh squares hanging forward.

— you both cry at weddings, and it's not because you're so-o-o-o-o happy.

— your not-much-older-than-teenager doctor sees more of your naked anatomy than your spouse.

— the answer to 90% of your partner’s questions is “Whatever . . .”, and the answer to the remaining 10% is “Yes, dear.”

— you start referring to your partner as Maw or Paw.

— you regularly visit rickzworld, and find you have the same favorites.

— you can not only complete each other’s sentences, but you can also — and quite often do — mentally reconstruct both sides of any past argument, making yourself just as angry all over again.

— you feel that recalling your wedding date to the nearest decade is close enough.

— you pore over a riding mower catalog together, to make sure it has the features you both love.

— your partner steps all over the punchlines of your jokes, but for some reason resents it when you finish his better than he could.

— you have one Barcalounger flanked by a TV-tray and remote, and a twin Barcalounger flanked by a stack of People, Us and Better Homes & Gardens and a tea cozy.

— you no longer have a favorite beer or cocktail; any alcohol will do.

— you ordered your spouse’s last Valentine’s Day gift from a 3:00 a.m. local cable TV infomercial.

— sex is limited to about a half-dozen nights of the year: Christmas, New Year’s, your anniversary, his birthday (but NOT hers), Super Bowl Sunday, Valentine’s Day.

— you each own two or more sets of car keys, use the same credit cards, will readily eat off the same plate or drink from the same glass, often raid each other’s wallets, and aren’t all that careful about closing the bathroom door.

— together you’ll sit through a rerun of an old Matlock episode, even though you’ve both seen it before.

— all your laundry gets done on the same washer setting and water temperature, and forget about dry cleaning.

— your increasingly rare bouts of intimacy are termed “getting frisky”.

You will find even more wit, whimsy and insanity at rickzworld, a fun creation of Richard L. (Rick) Zimmerman, author of this piece, architect, cartoonist, designer and expert witness of Solon, Ohio. Forage about and you'll also encounter many other articles on Cleveland architecture and sustainable design.

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    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, stars! Endurance is the name of the game. Marriage is not a sprint, it's a marathon!

    • stars439 profile image

      stars439 5 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

      My wife and I have been married four decades. After forty years your bound to love each other because life would not be the same without each other. The secret to getting along is to give each other some space , and not talk about boring stuff. She watches television. I like to eat, and play with the computer. God Bless You. Great Hub.

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      So sorry Rosie. Unfortunately, that's where we're all headed. Enjoy what you can while you can.

    • Rosie2010 profile image

      Rosie Rose 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Oh wow, Rick, you have written almost 650 hubs. Amazing! I'm impressed. You are soooo funny, very talented and prolific. Whoo! This one made me a little sad though... my husband passed away a couple of years ago. I miss him.

      Have a nice day,

      Rosie

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, Suzette (nice to know I'm not in this hell alone . . .)

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker 6 years ago from Taos, NM

      This is hilarious! Great job! And, so true!

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      In answer to your questions, I'd have to say, Yes!

    • pinkydoo profile image

      pinkydoo 6 years ago from New York

      Ha-ha...this is funny...the question though, is this: Is your article saying that being married a long time is GOOD, or AWFUL...or that it just makes you think of lots of funny jokes?

    • quicklysilver profile image

      quicklysilver 6 years ago from wexford, ireland

      Well, i reckon so

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Ignore it as you might, some of these issues (or others equally vexing) are sure to confront you sooner or later. The question you have to ask yourself, spouse, is — do you feel lucky?

    • quicklysilver profile image

      quicklysilver 6 years ago from wexford, ireland

      I am only recently married so I choose to blissfully ignore everything I've just read.

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      onegoodwoman: You know you've reached a new turning point when your spouse no longer calls you by your name or by any nickname or epithet, but merely jerks their thumb your way and mutters, ". . .and THIS ONE has to go and do something stupid . . .", etc.

    • onegoodwoman profile image

      onegoodwoman 7 years ago from A small southern town

      This so true, that it is almost painful

      I have called my hubby, " Paw" for so long, that people think his name is "Paul", and I am just too lazy to pick my own tongue up when I speak!

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Susie: That's the great thing about aging, you can rethink everything anew every day, and it still seems fresh and original!

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      Fun!! Yep, I suffer from several of these as well... Hmmm, time to rethink a few things isn't it?

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 7 years ago from United States

      Very entertaining and a lot of truth. thanks.

    • rickzimmerman profile image
      Author

      rickzimmerman 7 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, Veronica! I've got perhaps a skosh more than six years in, but, thankfully, very few of my observations are autobiographical.

    • Veronica Allen profile image

      Veronica Allen 7 years ago from Georgia

      This year will mark six years of marriage for me and I am already experiencing some of these tell-tell signs. :) Too funny! Rated it up and voted.