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Your spouse is a gay, here's how to handle

Updated on November 19, 2015

The title itself is a sharp indicator of what being a homosexual in the subcontinent is still like. Having to fess up like you are some sinner, if you are a gay man or a lesbian woman or a bisexual individual is still the existing notion in our society thanks to the gross intolerance and extreme insensitivity to homosexuality that still prevails. In that society you get married and post the big fat wedding your spouse reveals that he or she is not a heterosexual. Here are a few ways you can face the music:

That moment when your spouse introduced you to his/her deepest secret and your greatest fear, you are bound to experience a tremor in the ground below your feet varying in intensity from mild to strong. This experience is highly relative to the levels of suspicion you had about your spouse’s alleged homosexuality. But there will be definitely be a certain degree of tension after the revelation. The first response would be to kick, cuss and curse him/her and your ill fate altogether. During times like these the strength of your marriage is tested whether it is industrial grade or not.

It's only normal to feel hurt, cheated and possibly even self-doubt! However, the fact that your spouse is gay tells something about their personal & natural choice and has nothing to do with you.

Once your top that had previously blown away has come back to its rightful place, remember to:

  • Take a few deep breaths and calm your cranky mind.
  • Have a chat with your trusted bestie(could be your very self or one of your buddies).
  • Go for a night out or a relaxing massage or watch one of your favorite tearjerkers or cine flicks and give a good cry.

Once you are done nursing the bruised ego and the betrayed trust it is time for the big event, the ‘sit-down’ with your homosexual spouse.

Analyze the situation; take a trip down the memory lane to reflect upon why you even got married to this person in the first place. During this tricky tell all session with your spouse ask him/her what is it that he/she wants and why the revelation had to happen at this point into your marriage.

Marriage is about LOVE! So, take some time off to find out, if your reaction is coming out of love or hate.

  • In such a scenario, if your spouse and you always shared a really healthy bond with him/her playing the role of a great friend, philosopher, guide and lover to the tee then unless or until he/she wants to call it quits there is nothing wrong in staying in the marriage. Marriages and secrets are co-existent and keeping the sexuality hidden is just one of them.
  • If your homosexual spouse wants it out, as leading a life of lies has literally worn them out and regardless of breaking your heart, risk of disownment by family and difficult consequences that he/she will have to face in our intolerant illogical society, then separation with mutual consent is the best thing for you and your spouse.
  • If your spouse and you were never on the same page parting ways amicably is again the preferred mode of action. There is no point in staying married to someone who wouldn’t love and value you the way you rightfully deserve and the fact that he/she is got hitched to you appear normal in an abnormal society is not a compensation any day to lead a loveless life.

Marriage is a lot of work, secrets, compromises, fake smiles and orgasms. But marriage can also usher some wonderful blessings into your life. Weigh them out and find out what weighs more than the other. Your marriage is a good one, if you and your spouse are life partners to each other and your marriage sucks big time, if you have become life sentences to each other. This is that moment in your marriage when you have to turn the limelight on you, your spouse and whether staying or separating is the right choice for both of you.


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    • Shivani Gala profile imageAUTHOR

      Shivani Gala 

      5 years ago from India

      I completely agree with you. Sexes don't matter, when it comes to feelings.

      I really liked the phrase- 'labor of love'. :) hope to use it soon somewhere.

      Love and Happiness :D


    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago from Chicago

      Whether your mate is gay/lesbian or bisexual if they've had sex with anyone else they broke their vow when they cheated on you.

      Unless you're not expecting to have a monogamous marriage cheating is usually a "deal breaker" regardless of one's mate's sexual orientation.

      On the other hand if they have been completely faithful to you but have lost all interest in having sex with you and admit they're depressed because they haven't been true to themselves that's another issue.

      As you stated you may feel anger and hurt for being deceived. After all on some level the marriage was a sham designed to hide their secret from family, friends, and co-workers. Essentially you were (used).

      If it's a matter of them never mentioning past same sex experiences or desires it can be argued that if you never asked them then they never lied.

      People often conceal elements in their past including sexual experience, number of lovers, and so on.

      Only you can determine if the secret was a betrayal of sorts.

      You're entitled to have your own "deal breakers".

      People often say marriage is a lot of work. However the real hard work is in finding the "right mate" for oneself. Once you accomplish that the so called "work" is actually only maintenance or a "labor of love".

      One man's opinion!:)


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