You're Just On My Mind
Past Life Bleed Through
It was him all the time, She knew it but couldn’t speak of it, after all, this was the Internet and everyone had usernames and phony names. God only knows what there was to hide. Must be something to hide or we wouldn’t be doing it.
If he spoke from a user name he could feel safe he was never speaking directly to her and she would have to realize he spoke to the world from the stage of life, and then he took his inner life and made a delivery to the whole world. You couldn’t take him seriously. You couldn’t take it personally. But she did take it personally anyway, she and tons of other people.
Of course, you couldn’t trust your own senses in this case, when you spoke of past lives intruding on this life. You felt crazy, like you were hanging on to the last shred of sanity by sheer will power where only God’s grace could bring relief, clarity or release.
She saw him in every man that struck up a conversation with her from out of the blue, this in itself is a crazy kind of suffering he most likely expected her to endure; these doubts it brought to her. It wasn’t going to be pretty; but who said life was easy, pretty, or that destiny truly existed? She was to find out even destiny can change on a whim.
I know it’s you, she was always thinking but what name shall you give me now? Your deception is only unequaled by, by….but then she was tired of thinking about it. The thing would never get written down at this rate. She had to write things down. It brought some clarity when she did.
To Forgive is Divine To Forget Is Human
Now, all these years later she had the memories, even some she didn’t want. It occurred to her to see it from his viewpoint, but each effort to do so made her cringe in pain. Exactly so because what he saw was from another life time. She wasn’t that person now. She was all brand new.
It had to be so he had killed her in that long ago life for falling in love with another man. Oh my, she did love men in that other life. She had played around much. Even in this life she had played some and now she had just given up on love. She wanted out of Earth Life System forever. Many of us have tragic past lives she reasoned. We are just lucky to come back, to be a new person. So if he had found “her” still, she wasn’t that woman that had cheated then been killed for it.
She had always known there was nothing they could do about the past to change it. She knew only if he forgave her, and forgave himself for killing her, and the same, if she forgave him and herself for being untrue, only then could they be free of one another for all eternity.
You figure, she might have learned something from living with him, being under his thumb. She was the total opposite now of what she was then. She would never cheat now. She always walked away, got a divorce, moved on easily. She didn’t believe in marriage, but she’d given it a go twice, just to make sure what her intuition told her, it wasn’t in the cards for her to be dedicated to one man this life.
Now we were these other people. We were supposed to forgive. That was the plan. It’s always easier to forgive if the other party keeps a respectable distance. Right away he didn’t know what a boundary was, right away he struggled to get closer, while she struggled to get away from him. He was still angry and she knew it was from the other life.
The Battle Ground Is The Body
Now she tried to see through his eyes once more and all she saw was that he was still the same. He was still a killer. He would kill her again, just for being in love with a book this time instead of him. She wasn’t in love with him now. Somehow losing your life takes all the fun out of that marriage.
He would not remember he did that, so how could he be sorry for a deed unremembered? Only a shrink could remind people of who they had been in a past life. A shrink or a psychic. Not somebody on the Internet. She wasn’t sorry she loved another man or plural men, guys got away with multiple partners and bragged about it, women, they were simply called whores if they did the same thing. It was the old double standard. She was sorry for the sneaking around part. She might have known she was damned if she was honest, and damned if she was dishonest.
This forgiveness thing would be in God’s hands. It was clear to her after awhile that she needed help with the dharma or it wouldn’t get done.
Next day, in the space where time heals wounds, another day dawned and then a realization came to the ego which caused happiness. Happiness though it shows itself briefly here and there in a life, is most welcome, much better than the pill the doctor tries to get you to swallow. No pill can erase the pain we humans endure mentally.
She digresses to consider the doctor of modern times is a capitalist, a pawn in the game, an opportunist of chemical warfare and the patients grab at straws, not knowing any better, they seek to put their trust in someone with a piece of paper on the wall that grants him the privilege to dispense poison, and we say, ah, this is advancement of the human race.
Consider that the body here is the battleground, where the ego and the soul fights for ownership of the body knowing eventually the body will be surrendered to God.
She Sang His Song Back To Him
She sang that song to him again today. She thought she was finished singing that song to him. After all, he hadn’t seem fazed by the tune being sung to him. The tune he had created himself.
They might have been mirrors to one another. Hard to say. Everything was hard to say. But the song could be sung much easier than talking. She had claimed it immediately upon hearing it, as her own thoughts, and she wondered how it could describe her so completely by the pen of another.
It brought much pleasure then, even as it does now to remember every word. The song sets you free from worry about who is right, who is wrong. The song absolves all sins.
The song protects you from incurring further karmic ties. The song puts you smack dab in the creative spot. The spot where you might begin something new, or you might just stay where you are, fine with that. The song does not look back at what was, or forward with what could be. Therefore it was a masterpiece and he didn’t even know it was that.
By singing it, she had hoped he might take some pleasure in knowing it had clarified something within herself, but if he took pleasure in her rendition, he was not to show it.
So she tried to tell him by singing his own song back to him. It was an act of love she had thought. As it so happens with an act of love, you may wait a very long time until love comes back around, the unconditional kind.
He had always given her words to run with. She had spent a lot of time putting the words in a basket for later use; but these words of this particular song they were the final words because they were the stop words and also the start words of a new dawn, where you become truly free of the past, therefore it’s more of a moving on song.
It’s a song of no regrets, no fantasies, and you don’t find this kind of song just anywhere; most love songs are about regrets; this one is better than any I ever heard on the subject of moving on to whatever the new represents.
Getting Happy Back
There is actually no blame in the song. Who would’ve thought? Very forward thinking indeed.
She didn’t sing them to him in the ozone because he wrote them. The words had become her own thoughts and she was telling him not what he was thinking, but what she was thinking. So there was the mirror idea; that two people reflect each other on the canvas.
She recalled a question he had asked. She feasted on his questions; they came so infrequently. He had asked her about so and so. That if he was thinking of so and so, was so and so thinking of him too? Apparently so and so and himself were not seeing each other at that point, but still, she was on his mind. He seemed to be suffering with this circumstance. She had replied that there was a 90% chance so and so is also thinking about him. She failed to understand how merely thinking of someone from time to time constitutes a suffering. It was all from his side, the suffering part. She had always been this choo choo train passing by. She could never take him seriously, she could not take any man seriously anymore.
She wasn’t going to make the relationship into something tragic if she could help it.
Apparently, they’d already had their tragedies together in another life. No need to do it again.
So he’d asked about who was thinking about whom, which shows a lot of confusion being exposed. She’d already sang the song to him at that point. She was certain she had. Now once more, in her mind she sings it again. Just in case he wasn’t putting two and two together, she would tie up these loose ends for him. What goes around does indeed come around. Here’s your tune back, the one you gave to her; and a million others perhaps.
Here we go. He can hear her. They did something to one another in the ozone, so that they hear each other psychically, whenever they thought of one another.
Maybe they installed homing beacons on one another? Aliens do it all the time, so could be true.
She sings this in the happiest of moods. She sings it with conviction and exactly in key. She sings it as if she just had this revelation that it was true, and she sings it because it makes her innocent again, so she can start anew and be proud of herself.
The Atonement Is Forgiving One Another
Daddy, You’ve Been On My Mind
Perhaps it’s the color of the sun cut flat
uncovering the crossroads I’m standing at
Or maybe it’s the weather or something like that
Daddy, you’ve been on my mind.
I don’t mean trouble please don’t put me down, or get upset
I am not pleading
or saying I can’t forget
I do not walk the floor bowed down and bent but yet
Daddy, you’re just on my mind
Even though my mind is hazy and my thoughts they might be narrow
where you been don’t bother me or bring me down in sorrow
it don’t even matter where you’re waking up tomorrow
Daddy, you’re just on my mind
I am not asking you to say words like yes or no
Please understand me, I got no place for you to go
I’m just breathing to myself pretending not that I don’t know
Daddy, you’ve been on my mind
When you wake up in the morning baby look inside your mirror
ah you know I won’t be next to you, you know, I won’t be near
I’d just be curious to know if you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on her mind.
So the Singer sings the song. You don’t embellish it. It is what it is. You don’t say, I love you. You just say what it is. You say, you were on my mind. You don’t make up a fantasy. If you can, you have gratitude. If you can you might say thank you. Just to understand it needs to be said, but it doesn’t mean the other person can feel your gratitude, not at all. You just give of yourself, and the return is left up to God, but you don’t worry about a return. The nature of love, is within all, to give without expectation of return. If we learn this only, we can skip several reincarnations just from learning this one thing about giving, not to have any expectations of return. This is hard to do, but we must try to remember to enact the atonement all over the world, our job is to accept the atonement for ourselves only. God will take the final step.
© 2016 Alysia McAlister