- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
People Users, Abusers, Manipulators & Sociopaths
How to defend yourself
How do people allow themselves to be used? It is easy to see it in another person's life but not so with ourselves. When we see an emotionally abused person we think to ourselves that, "I would never let that happen to me because I am a strong individual" or we say that the person must have a very low self-esteem.
The problem is, at the beginning of a new relationship, the manipulation is subliminal. If they are good at it then it won't be noticed until long after a pattern in ingrained in the relationship.
The three profiles of an exploiter
- The Love Bomber
- The Helpless One
- The Equivocator
Defending oneself against being taken advantage of the three tactics used in tandem might seem too hard to do but establishing a protective fence for self-preservation is easier than becoming depressed and disabled from such emotional abuse.
The exploiter will adroitly transform themselves like a shape-shifter when ever a victim becomes aware of being manipulated. These changes can happen so quickly it is as if trying to hold on to a wiggling slippery eel when you are close to becoming aware of their false nature.
THE LOVE BOMBER
The Love Bomber is the love fraud. Like a broken record from a cheesy Spanish love song, there is no depth in conversation other than, "I love you, I want you, I need you." An endless refrain of platitudes and the feeling of being put on a pedestal from this sweet talker is a set-up for the eventual hard fall. When you are all used up, with no money, no housing and no support system to get yourself back up, that person will then totally and completely abandon you with no more remorse than if discarding a used toilet paper.
Buttering you up doesn't have to be romantic. By mirroring your own hopes and desires, the exploiter will agree with everything you say. When pressed and asked what do they think of a situation, the exploiter retreats into a feigned humbleness that is the deflection not to have the true self revealed. You will be told that you are, smart,talented, successful, humorous, courageous, imaginative, inquisitive,confident and just altogether different than anybody they have ever met before.
Playing the servant, pretending to be working hard only for you without any thought of themselves, appearing humbly submissive and the martyr, these are the slick and surreptitious ways to deflect any criticism against themselves. A passive aggressive person will say yes to your face, but have no intention of keeping a promise. If called on the the carpet for repeated failure to follow through on promises, they play dumb, act hurt and vilify you for being so harsh and ruthless.
The User will then shame you for questioning the high moral standards that they claim to possess, then divert the topic in question by throwing in a Red Herring into the mix, pushing your buttons to forget the original problem. If you are finally able to nail jelly up against the tree, then minimization of their own bad behaviour will occur.
This is when the double standard begins to appear. They allow themselves mistakes and being human, but if you are questioning the person or express any displeasure at their supposed self sacrifice they have suffered "only for you" - then you will be vilified and raked over the coals repeatedly, often months afterwards the original 'sin' that you 'committed'.
How can a manipulator be able to twist you around their little finger so adeptly? It's because they know you better than you know yourself.Lack of self-knowledge is a weakness. Exploiters love co-dependents.There is nothing wrong with being co-dependent if the other is just as co-dependent as yourself. But an Exploiter will seek out like a heat missile, people who want to feel good about themselves by helping other unfortunates. So now we come up to to the next profile, 'The Victim'.
This is the person who makes other people feel sorry for them, and involves anybody near with their own problems. The drama queen whose life's situation is not any fault of their own but from some outside source. Hopelessly irresponsible, they don't want a hand up but a handout. Even a drowning person will reach a hand up for somebody to pull them out, but not these people. As if in a quagmire of quicksand, they quickly pull in whatever help is extended to them down into their own demise. If you call them out about how how the person is not making any effort to help themselves they use emotional blackmail to camouflage the zero respect that they have for your own personal space. They don't respect your 'no' for an answer.
AA has a phrase for this it's called "hitting bottom', retreating help and enabling forces the person to take stock of themselves through tough love. It is most difficult for family members to contend with the myriad of game playing from a recovering addict. It hurts because a person wants to help a distressed person but if do, only prolong the agony of recovery. Users enjoy codependents' need to feel needed and exploit this desire through shaming, passive hostility and subtle intimidation. These people feel that their toxic coping mechanisms individuals are justified for survival.
Shrewd, skillful and deliberate, once a con's ploy is exposed, the victim will feel distaste within themselves to be allowed to be so duped and won't report it. Feeling self doubt in their own awareness of people's intentions, the aftermath of such a cruel betrayal leaves a person less self assured in their own judgment of reality .Taking advantage of gullible people is an art form. For an example then listen to Dante's Inferno description of the innermost circle of Hell in this excerpt.
This is the hardest part to deal with because with every lie there is a grain of truth, and with every true statement there is a lie. Remember the adage, "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." Overtime they will be caught in their own web of lies. Listen to you own inner voice, don't be their puppet. Think logically, as Judge Judy says, "If it don't make sense then it's a lie."
Manipulative tactics in a nutshell
- Selective Inattention
- Lying, equivocation
- veiled Threats
- Playing the innocent victim
- Vilifying the codependent
Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationships
- List an inventory of the manipulative behavior.
- Stay alert
- Stop responding to 'crazy-making', ignore them
- Don't tolerate overstepping of boundaries
Are You in an Emotional Abusive Relationship?
view quiz statistics
Ready to begin the unmasking ?
Related Hubs by Ptosis
How to Deal with the Manipulators
- Manipulative Behavior
- What Really Matters: Dealing With Manipulative People
- Dealing with Manipulative People - Dating, Relationship, Marriage, Sex
Dealing with Manipulative People can be tricky - if they're any good at it, you won't know you're being manipulated.
Users, Abusers, Manipulators
When first begin a friendship with a person, any warning signs of a manipulator are going to be subliminal. This is on how to defend yourself in office politics and other relationships where people use power plays to get you to do what they want you to do without you realizing it.
“Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ” - Pericles
I Don't Want to Play
A person unwilling to recognize the Machiavellian maneuvers of others, will leave themselves more open to becoming a victim in someone else's power plays. Know thy enemy. Know your own limitations and of your enemies and you can avail yourself from a trap.
A Pollyanna who thinks that being a non-player is possible will find themselves powerless to defend their mind and body. Avoiding stress related illness caused by working under a toxic person is the best reason to learn the techniques and tactics of defense. Control personal politics by empowering yourself with the knowledge of how the game is played.
A person does not have to become a vicious, corrupt, manipulative, insincere, power-hungry and unethical person to play the game in order to defend oneself. Machiavelli was not evil, just being realistic in how the world is.
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Sun Tzu
"Knowledge is power. " - Francis Bacon
Take the Machiavelli Test and see the result of over 400 responses and results.
What do you do when you feel out of control, helpless to overcome the tsunami of emotion overwhelming you? Do you stop to observe yourself as to why or blindly react? Emotions are valid but are you responding reasonably or reacting to the moment?
Suffering from acute severe emotional distress? Remember that "This to Shall Pass" - a proverb reminding you that all things are temporary. The philosophy of 'Living In the Now' is not always a path to happiness.
We cannot stop having emotions but don't have to be slaves to them. Think of the triggers that may cause emotional hijacking. People should not try to eliminate distress but regulate it somewhat. An unexpected stimulus is hard to respond and not react to. But imagine a known trigger of yours and how to respond graceful beforehand will help in any future scenario when someone is trying to push your hot buttons.
Do not become codependent on the approval of others because that is a sure sign to social predators that you can be a manipulated. Emotional health is part of taking care of your overall health. Self respect is needed to demand from your life a safe place to live and work, control your environment and allow yourself freedom from constant fear.
When I had to move to the highest crime ridden area of Honolulu Hawaii in the downtown Chinatown area, I mentally had in my hands a bible. I didn't need an actual bible to feel 'The Armor of God' and 'The Sword of the Spirit'. I just did not want to walk or act like a potential victim by having my shoulders hunched over in shame or the look of fear in my stature that would attract would be thieves or con artists.
The Smoke & Mirrors of Tezcatlipoca
“The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.” - George Burns
"Pose as a friend, work as a spy." - Robert Greene
“Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies even closer.” - Sun-Tzu
“Feigning wounds so as to gain an advantage in an attack is also a violation of international law. However, feigning injuries or even death to stop an attack is not.” - Scott Silliman
“And in this curious state I had the realization, at the moment of seeing that stranger there, that I was a person like everybody else. That I was known by my actions and words, that my internal universe was unavailable for inspection by others. They didn't know. They didn't know, because I never told them.” - Kim Stanley Robinson
“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
“In hindsight it may seem effortless, but there's a lot of work that goes into it. ” - Harry Connick
“These cats' paw terror groups have been doing Iran's bidding in murdering Israelis.” - States News Service
“A man who is used to acting in one way never changes; he must come to ruin when the times, in changing, no longer are in harmony with his ways.” - Niccolò Machiavelli
Related Hubs by Ptosis
Mental Illness, Borderline, Antisocial, Bipolar, Symptoms, Signs, Disorder, Personalities, Diagnosis, Dysfunction, Sociopathic, Relationships, Statistics, Psychology, Criminal by ptosis theseus