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How To Deal With Anger Issues After Being Betrayed

Updated on January 17, 2017

Dealing With Anger Issues

Anger is a normal emotion after you've been hurt and betrayed. Dealing with anger issues can be a hard battle which can leave you with wounds. If not dealt with, these wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance.

These feelings can lead you to high blood pressure, stress, hostility, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, risk of alcohol and substance abuse and so much more.

You don't deserve to treat yourself this way; nobody does.

When did you find out about the affair?

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How did you react when you found out about the affair?

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Can The Damage Be Repaired?

It is difficult enough to repair the damage, even when the guilty person is authentically remorseful and apologetic, and you may still be haunted with images and memories.

These disturbing effects can be problematic even when the guilty spouse is doing his or her best to repair your marriage.

I am not going to tell you whether you should or should not forgive your spouse. That is your decision. But I ask that you examine what forgiveness means to you.

Never make big decisions when you are angry.

To make the right choices you must think clearly.

It will prevent you from carrying out or stating something you might regret for the rest of your life.

Warning Signs That You Have Anger Issues

Below are some of the anger signs which could be affecting your health. Do you recognize these signs?

1. Anger keeps you awake at night.

2. You feel like putting his picture on a punching bag and punching him until your anger goes away.

3. Anger affects your life every single day; at work, at home, with your friends and family.

4. Are you wondering if this anger will ever go away as you don't recognize yourself anymore?

If at any time

you are thinking about

doing something that

would hurt yourself or

other people,

get help immediately.

5 Tips To Deal With Your Anger

Once you are angry there is a period called a refractory period in which you are unable to think of anything that does not agree with your anger.

**The shorter this period is, the less likely you will act inappropriately.

You can shorten this period by observing your emotions.

Pretend like you are observing yourself instead of experiencing your anger, watch and study what it does to you.

1. Remember a time when you were very angry. If you were somebody else watching you, what would you have noticed about your face and body?

2. Once you are aware that you are angry and label it as anger, observe your anger, then you have a chance to choose what to do next.

3. Relax your muscles, breathe slowly and deeply.

4. Take a step back and question whether to go along with what you would normally do next, or choose not to respond physically.

5. Stare back at your thoughts so they don't bring on a chain of other thoughts.

Ask yourself - "Do I want to act on my emotion or do I just want to observe it?"


will not benefit

anyone around you.

How To Control Your Anger

All the things that take place right now will have an impact on your marriage, your kid's emotional stability, your emotional feelings, even your fiscal matters.

At the moment, you are dealing with one of the most unpleasant and most crucial part of your life and you have to be extremely vigilant in what is said and done.

After an affair, controlling your anger is one of the most difficult task you have to learn.

The right steps have to be followed in the right sequence. If you delay, it will be more difficult every day to control your anger.

The critical first step to control anger is usually missed by most people:

1. Note down exactly what it is that makes you angry. Make a list of what comes to mind; let your feelings flow and write it down. Sometimes old past issues come up, if it does, write it down.

2. It's easy for the injured to point the finger at the cheating spouse as he's the one that caused all this hardship. You never asked to go through all this pain. But before pointing fingers at anyone, first take a good look inside of yourself. It's important that you confront the problem and not the person.

State the nature of the problem and how it makes you feel. Be clear that it's the problem - not the person - that makes you feel this way.

3. Take responsibility for your anger.

These tips will develop a joint definition and ownership of what's going on.

Losing your temper makes you look like the bad guy to everyone else,

no matter who is really at fault.

Did you ask your spouse about every little detail of the affair?

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Do you regret asking about every little details?

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Release Your Anger

Relax and listen to the beautiful words in this video. If you fall asleep while listening, that's even better; the messages are still absorbed into your subconscious. The results are profound.

Tips To Help You Relax:

Countdown from 100 to 1.

Take deep breaths to relax.

Look at the beautiful picture kept on the wall.

Keep some flowers in the room and have a look.

Practice breathing exercises regularly.

Take a walk.

Have a nice bath with your favorite shampoo.

Are you waiting to hear this: "Forgive Me"?

If you are waiting for your spouse to apologize to you, there's a lot more going on below the surface than just hearing those two small words: "Forgive Me".

You may need to hear those words verbalized for a range of personal reasons:

- Acknowledgment of the pain that it caused you.

- Validation of the hurt and disappointment you feel.

- Recognition and admission of his or her culpability in contributing to your current state, including the negative thoughts and emotions that have left you reeling.

- Recognition that he or she has done wrong.

So without those words being spoken, you may feel stuck in limbo, waiting to move on, yet thinking you are unable to forgive because you have placed a heavy emphasis on hearing remorse, responsibility, and requests for forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is A Loaded Word

There are many ideas that surround just what it entails to forgive someone. I challenge you to the following:

Step 1: Define forgiveness

What does the idea of forgiveness mean to you? Your ideas may be based on your religious background. You may feel torn between what you think you should do, and then how you really feel-even if you were to hear an authentic apology.

Step 2: Visualize your reaction to a truly remorseful spouse

If your partner were to come to you this very minute and apologize, what would that mean for you? How would your life change? What would those words release you to do, think, or feel?

Step 3: Visualize your spouse without remorse or an apology

Should your spouse never express regret or consideration of the impact his or her behavior has had on your life? What would that mean for you?

Would it change how you wish to live your life?

As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments.

Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and always bounces back on us.

How To Forgive

How to Forgive and Work Through the Past will help you understand the true principles of forgiveness.

It's hard to move forward when you've been betrayed due to one major sticking point: You don't think you can forgive your spouse.

The hurt goes too deep. You don't trust your spouse anymore. What if you forgive and he or she betrays you again? What if he or she has another affair? You don't want to take a chance and potentially go through the pain all over again.

You know if you don't forgive it's going to be hard-maybe even impossible-to rebuild your marriage and have that close, emotional connection.

But you're terrified that if you do forgive, the consequences may be even worse.

Many people make the mistake of trying to "get back" to where they once were. What was so great about that, if that era was marked by lies and untruths? Instead, your focus should be on making your marriage better than it was.

What You Can Control

Although some couples try to "move on" without remorse being expressed, My understanding of love includes each individual being vulnerable to the other and trusting each other with that vulnerability.

Can you imagine yourself moving ahead where there is subtle or even obvious encouragement for that big question mark of mistrust caused by inaction or hurtful actions?

The one that did the damage should apologize and beg your forgiveness, but that doesn't mean it will happen.

The only thing you can control is how you interpret the apology or lack of apology and how you let your interpretation affect your ability to forgive.

After the affair, did your relationship end or are you still together?

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Guestbook Comments

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    • zurrybahari profile image


      5 years ago

      good story.. will be my guide.. thanks..

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      The natural tendencies to retaliate for the injury suffered is very human. The Ability to forgive is by some believed as a weakness but in fact is a sign of maturity and necessary to keep oneself free from Angers real and potentially deadly effects. This lens is quite well written and needed by many people in today's world. Thanks for sharing! Regards Mike ;D


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