Do you think it is selfish for people to stay married because of the kids?

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   ReneeDC1979posted 11 years ago

   Do you think it is selfish for people to stay married because of the kids?

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   Lisa HWposted 11 years ago

   No.  I think that when people do that they're being absolutely selfless.  I think, though, that they can sometimes (at least in SOME cases) be misguided about whether or not that really is what's best for the kids.
   
   I think if they can stay married and still keep the home environment pleasant enough and stable enough for the children, some people can manage to have that arrangement and actually have it be best for the kids.  It's probably not particularly great for kids not to see a very loving marriage as an example of how marriage should/could be; but a lot of very loving couples don't make much of a display of their closeness in front of the kids anyway.
   
   If one or both of the people can't stay married without also staying resentful and miserable (and letting the kids see, or sense it), then I think (and it's only my own opinion) that while the couple is not really being selfish, they're misguided in their belief that such a negative environment will be "best for the kids".
   
   I, personally, could have been happy enough in a less-than-great marriage; but I was married to someone whose "miserable-ness" began to show enough that the children were noticing.  So, thinking I'd get my children into a healthier and happy environment for all of us (including their father), I left my marriage (had little choice when it comes down to it).  A big mess was made in my life, and in the divorce, when someone called the state's mental health people and had me picked up "because they were worried about me" ("worried about me" because I did something that shocked everyone  ).  Anyway, a mess was made when a parade of "court people" got involved.  After being the ONLY parent with whom my children were super close (at the time), I was separated from them even though I presented a clean bill of mental health in court.  It would have been bad enough if they'd been used to getting their emotional support from their father, but he'd been sick and worked a lot of hours.  The court and whoever else was brought in on the case made that giant mess in all of our lives, and my children paid something awful for it.  NEVER would I have imagined that the court system might do some of the things it did; so I just think if a couple can AT ALL remain reasonably "un-miserable" at home they should do that and keep the court system (and strangers who just don't care about the children) out of their life.  The awful thing is that I didn't really have that option..

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      ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Wow Lisa HW, thank you for your comment/testimony.  It is amazing to me what the "outside world" does when they get involved in these situations.

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   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   No, I don't think it's "selfish" but I do think it's (misguided). As Dr. Phil is fond of saying, "Children would rather be (from) a broken home than (live in) one."
   Staying with someone you (don't love) and (don't agree/get along with) is not doing the kids any "favor". The underneath tension, uncomfortable silences, apparent distance between the parents are all things children pick up on. (You can be good parent without staying with someone you do not love!)
   Not many parents would wish this same scenario for their children's marriages! We teach by example.
   Life is a personal journey. You are responsible for your own happiness. These are lessons every child should be taught. Many people use their kids as an excuse for their lack of courage to make a positive change in their lives. One man's opinion! :-)

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      ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you dashingscorpio.  I like your ending - we use the kids as an excuse. and i have always thought (as a product of divorced parents) you can't raise me to be happy if you aren't.

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   lburmasterposted 11 years ago

   Not selfish. My partner's parents stayed together until he was in college. Then his mom left and created a mess, ever since her son has been different and she hasn't had a successful marriage since. I think it is good to stay married for the kids. But if you are stuck in that situation, you never should have married.

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      ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you lburmaster -this is a hard situation for the parents and the children- then the question comes up - should i disregard my happiness so my kids have a 2 parent home which society says is better than single parents raising their kids together

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      lburmasterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Part of your happiness should be seeing your children grow up in a two parent household. There are ways to work around an unhappy marriage. Try going to a marriage counselor just to see what is wrong in the relationship and work around the problems.

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      duffsmomposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      @Renee - yes, you should subjugate your happiness in favor of the kids.  You are creating their past.  We sacrifice on a daily basis for our kids and our joy and happiness comes from them growing to be well balanced happy adults.

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      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I believe everyone is entitled to have "deal breakers". If your spouse is cheating on you, verbally abusive, or financially irresponsible. The lesson you're teaching your kids by staying isn't a positive one. Parents have to be on the same page.

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      lburmasterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I agree, dashingscorpio. But if there is no abuse or cheating, then they should stay together for the kids sake. Abuse and cheating are special circumstances.

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   duffsmomposted 11 years ago

   Selfish?  No, I would call it selfless.  If a couple can agree to stay together for the sake of the kids, putting aside animosity and anger, then the kids may flourish.  But I think it would take two selfless people who truly want what is best for the kids, rather than for themselves.
   
   Of course all of this is a load of crap if there is any abuse involved.

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      ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for your comment duffsmom.  I wonder if it's easier if the parents just stay, whether they are happy or not so that there is less of a struggle for kids to grow up and do well in school and function "normally" because it is the ideal family.

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   kathleenkatposted 11 years ago

   I don't think it's at all selfish; I think it's selfLESS. They are doing it for the kids, not themselves.
   
   I think parents should at least try to work it out if they aren't "in love" with eachother anymore. Unless one or the other is being abusive, it's not like it would be the end of the world to stay with someone that you'd have to work a little harder to be with. After all, there was a reason you married them in the first place.

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      ReneeDC1979posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you kathleenkat for your comment.  I think SELFLESS is the answer for this hub, it seems to be the majority answer.

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