A coworker is having an extramarital affair. Do you tell the spouse who is also

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   Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years ago

   A coworker is having an extramarital affair. Do you tell the spouse who is also your friend?
   
   In more detail: If your coworker/friend was frequently late for work because of an extramarital affair, would you tell your boss?  You have reason to believe that doing so would cause the offender to threaten your job. Would you tell the spouse who is also your friend? This would almost certainly result in an immediate divorce. Do you consider the potential impact on the lives of the couples' children before making your decision? How would you go about telling the boss/spouse? How would you protect yourself against possible retribution from the offender, your workplace, or the family?
   
   

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   rebekahELLEposted 9 years ago

   That's a tough one. Yes, I would talk with the spouse/friend.  I probably wouldn't involve the boss/work situation.  I would also speak with the friend having the affair first.  Having had a close relative in a situation of a spouse cheating throughout their entire marraige, I would not hesitate to speak up.  When she found out the truth, she felt like her entire marriage had been a lie.  One of her now grown children will have nothing to do with her father. Friends are friends through the tough times also.  Although it wouldn't be easy and most likely very messy and unpleasant, a friend needs to speak up.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Great answer Rebekah, I think this is what I would do as well.  Thanks for your help!

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      Shades-of-truthposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you. The father of my children was with many other women, and a few of our friends knew. No one told me. I was devastated. Finally, the truth came out. My whole marriage had been a sham. My grown offspring want nothing to do with him.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      @ET: I've had many gfs cheat on me before, and that sucked, but I am certain all that combined doesn't even resemble anything remotely close to the depth of betrayal you have encountered. By everyone. A lot to ponder here. Thanks for sharing.

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   cougsamposted 9 years ago

   This is a tough one! I would definitely keep the boss and other work associates out of it. I would most likely (because I haven't encountered this situation before) say something to the friend in private. Along the lines of, "What are you doing?" and "Is this really worth wrecking your marriage over?" I'd probably also tell the person that they have put me in a terrible position because I really like and respect their spouse and that I won't lie for them if it should come to that.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah I like this answer too... I guess it depends on your relationship with the offender and the victim.  Really a quandary.

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   Express10posted 9 years ago

   It would be hard but telling the friend/spouse must be done. I could not call myself a friend if I knew or had reason to believe that was going on and didn't say anything. That is not something to be overlooked as it reflects the character and judgement of the offender and that behavior can threaten their partner's happiness and even their health.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, I agree it is very hard, but if you are close enough friends to care about their well being you should tell them.

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   liesl5858posted 9 years ago

   This is not an easy situation to be in but if you care about your friend, it would be a good idea to tell the truth and it is up to your friend to make a decision. As long as you got your facts right then you should be okay. I would not tell the boss though because it will only complicate things.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, this seems to be the general consensus.

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      TheBizWhizposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, the boss will only use u as a reference and it will give the impression u were talking behind their backs.

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   dashingscorpioposted 9 years ago

   No, I'd choose to stay in my lane.
   What's done in the dark eventually comes into the light.
   What would be (your goal) for telling the boss? their spouse? Are you looking to save their marriage? If so why not talk to cheater to see what is going on with them? or is it really about (you)?
   If you focused on your work you'd have no fear of retribution from the "offender", your boss, or their family.
   Sometimes people have different moral values and it ticks them off to see others appear to be "getting away" with something they find offensive. This causes them to overstep their boundaries.
   Managing one's own life is more than enough for most people. There is no need to meddle in other people's affairs. Life is a (personal) journey. Each of us has to live with the choices we make.
   The only possible exception I would make is if the person being cheated on was my "best friend" or sibling and I knew them well enough to know that they'd want to hear the truth no matter what.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, it's hard to know how someone is going to react.  Linda made a good point about being exactly sure that your info is on point.  I think that's critical.  Personally, I know I would want to be told, but then again, other people react differently

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      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I believe some people suspect their mate is cheating but don't want it "confirmed" because once it's "out there" they may feel forced to save face by ending a relationship they really don't want to end. For some folks ignorance is bliss.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      @DS: yeah, sadly, I also believe this to be the case.

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   meramourposted 9 years ago

   Ugh! I agree with other commenters, but if these were my friends I think I would be p.o.'d to be in the situation. I would play the "kick your friend in the ass" card. We all need it from time to time. I would want to support both friends and being stuck in the position of knowing about an extra-marital affair forces one to take sides. If the offender didn't get their sh1t together and figure out what they want, I'd have to spill and that would be much worse for everybody.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah I've been runnnig through the scenario in my head with different couples I know.  My actions depend heavily on the personalities of the couple and my relationship with them.  There's definitely not a one-size-fits-all solution here. Thanks!

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   TheBizWhizposted 9 years ago

   I hate to say it; but no I would not tell anyone I know. I was in a similar situation (though not work related) and actually did tell a friend his wife was cheating. I was friends with all of the parties involved, but as a result, not one of them stayed friends with me.
   
   I know I was right because they all came out better in the end, except me. That sounds selfish, but next time I will mind my own business and let them find out how they may.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Oh man, that's a horrible story.  I can't imagine how that must have sucked.  People need to learn not to shoot the messenger. Thanks for the real world insight @BizWhiz.

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   peter565posted 9 years ago

   I will hire a private detective to take photographic evidence, then anonymously send it to my friend.  So he/she know his/her partner is having an affair.  And I will keep my lips seal, so nobody know I send the picture, after that, I keep my nose out of this.

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      Express10posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I have a friend whose relative did that for my friend's mom. The mom SAW the evidence and still carried on as if she was never cheated on, denied it, never confronted her hubby or ANYTHING! I'm still shocked about that.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Oh man that's nuts. Either way, you have to think she'd be more likely to believe a professional detective than what would otherwise perceptibly amount to hearsay.  I think this is a great, if expensive, route.  E10, sorry that happened, no fun.

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      Express10posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I fully agree with you Luke and Peter565. In that particular woman's case she and the hubby remain married.

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      Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      No wayyyy.

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      Express10posted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, they are still married. I guess they take the til death do you part phrase seriously. If I were her and saw the evidence, I would have gotten divorced and moved on.

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    marsonaposted 9 years ago

    Let's apply the golden rule here: Do unto others what you want others do unto you.
    Try to put yourself in your friend's situation and answer this :
    What would you want your friend to do for you when he/she knows that the one you love is having an affair to someone?
    If you have your answer then I think you should do it to your friend also.

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       Luke M Simmonsposted 9 years agoin reply to this

       I think this is generally a good plan, but my friends get pissed off when I apply this tactic some of the time.  I like people to be very honest and upfront with me.  Some of my friends do not agree.  I think this need ad hoc evaluation.

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