Please feel free to share a story about you or someone you know. If you have never tried online dating and you are single, what is holding you back?
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Great Answer. Congratulations and thanks for the fabulous tips! Learn to be safe first and then we can concentrate on having fun! It is very true that men who are only interested in sex will not stick around very long, so they filter themselves out.
That's the thing, Kylyssa, shy people almost, if not always, do better "meeting" through the written word. Introverts need time to think about things. Kudos to your man for having the patience to chat. I am very happy that you found a wonderful guy!
I have often fantasized about meeting someone in a ski town through a dating site. That's why I tried eHarmony. I got a lot of contacts from ski areas, but it's really hard to develop a relationship when you're not there. It's also very risky.
How is meeting someone you've conversed with for several months more risky than the old-fashioned method of meeting random strangers you bump into at a bar, club, or singles event?
Not sure who you are speaking to Kylyssa. Can you clarify?
When I picked up the one guy I'd met through eHarmony, he made a bunch of jokes about axe murderers. He was ok, but I saw how easy it would have been for him to murder me during the 1/2 mile between his hotel and the restaurant.
I'm speaking to Yoleen, who commented on my answer and said "It's also very risky."
I see. My understanding is that Yoleen grew up in a rough part of town where there were a lot of dangerous men. I think that is likely in the back of her mind when she attempts to date. Correct me if I am wrong, Yoleen. I know you have shared some..
SD - you're absolutely right. It bothers me tremendously that no sooner have you met someone, you have to be alone with him in a car if you're going to date. I have problems getting past that.
It's not easy, Yoleen. There are some good therapists out there who focus on the specific problem and don't go back a million years. Something to look into. There is also a term called catastrophic expectations, but I am not a therapist. ;
I've been attacked several times, but never in a date setting. I knew someone who was. The guy put out a weird loser vibe. But not all attackers do, so how can you tell?
You have to take your time, before you even get in the car. If he will not give you the time you need to communicate first, then he's not for you. Always follow safety tips and listen to your gut; angry reactions to your questions are off limits.
Do either of you believe in the Law of Attraction? I hope I can use it to get out of this rut once and for all this year, so I can date. PS: check this out! LOL!
Yoleen, never get into a car with someone you've just met! Spend a few months chatting online and only then meet up at a public place you drive to separately the first few times at least. Or have a double date with a couple you know well.
The law of attraction states that" every positive or negative event that happened with you was attracted by you." The problem is that when something bad happens, you blame yourself, but it is not your fault if a random act of violence happens to you.
In response to whether or not I believe in the "Law of Attraction" I have to say no because I don't believe in anything supernatural. I think the concept is unhealthy because it puts blame on innocent victims.
Unfortunately, that is true. It is the "dark side" of the New Age, as some folks end up blaming themselves for everything that goes wrong in their lives. They end up thinking they're not good or spiritual enough & are apt to become a bit neurotic
Thanks, you guys. My first experiences with New Agers were negative; I found them to be manipulative. I've since discovered they're not all like that, but like everything else, you must screen what's taught through reality.
"through a common interest site rather than through a dating service" this,,, and it goes for more than 'dating' it goes for finding people with similar interests and beliefs for almost anything.
Online dating actually works for some people. I've met a number of couples who met online. On the other hand, 10% of people online are sociopaths, while some others are just looking for sex. That's where it's helpful to read between the lines!
It does seem people don't enjoy dating, and want to cut to the chase. I knew someone who told me that. She joined a singles ministry and married a man within a few months. The results were DISASTROUS!
I can imagine! Rushing usually leads to making mistakes & ignoring "red flags". Every serious relationship I've had began casually and evolved into something serious. Many online profiles state they're looking for "serious" not "the right one".
Dashing...I like your fork analogy. Good way to make a point. It's true that having a high criteria is a must. But once in a while, we can get fooled anyway---and the "crazies" slip through. That's when our gut steps in to try to save us.;)
Great answer! If you don't rush things you can find someone you are really compatible with. My relationships before my current partner were based on attraction which is a lousy way to choose a mate. I got married to a gay Republican that way!
I love the fork analogy. So well put.
I find that the folks who end up saying that "online dating" doesn't work are the same folks who have intrinsic issues with regular dating.
Well, McDonald's does have apple slices, but who ever orders them when it is easier to buy the french-fries. Yes, you make a good point. It is "healthy" to meet people in groups or through friends. That is not to say one is guaranteed anything...
I've always said online dating was in many ways better for people in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. It's great to have another option for meeting new people.
It's not (how) you meet but (who) you meet that counts!
This makes me want to consider Match.com once I return to the Mainland. I heard they host parties for people to get together.
Hi Kim.....Your comment is a breath of fresh air. I will say that the 30's & 40's is still actually quite young. I think that some of us (not you) who are "middle-aged" have more "stuff" to deal with, but there is hope online nonetheless. Lol.
Hi Alessio....I hadn't thought to search the photo profile on Google. Do you type in their online name? And yes, we are surely dealing with a stranger in the beginning stages.
To search the photo profile on Google, if I use Google Chrome, I just right click on the photo and you will find the "Search photo on Google".
Otherwise you go to http://images.google.com, you will spot a "camera" icon in the search box: just use
That's awesome, Alessio! Thank you very much!
You are welcome (unfortunately I ended characters in last comment). To end it, use the "camera" icon, upload the pic, and if you see that pic on other website (eg celebrity pic), it is not original = it's a fake profile!
This is vital information - thank you!
I didn't see a camera icon, but I was on Google, not Google Chrome.
Alessio - Great info thanks! I just tried the photo profile check you suggested with someone I suspected of having a fake facebook profile. It turns out he's posted a profile pic of some high ranking official in the US navy who's on Wikipaedia!
I agree with the photo search. I have used it. It should be one of the first things a person does when they are contacted and have a photo. It can save a lot of time and disappointment.
That's the thing about online dating----you meet a lot of creeps. After awhile, you get a feel for who to avoid, but it's still discouraging to meet so many "bad apples" in one place. Why some guys they think that icky behavior is OK, defies reason.
True answer, Dakk. It's all about safety first. Another important tip is that if someone tries to rush you in a way that is uncomfortable, then it is best to let them know or move on to someone who has more patience, or who acts more respectfully.
I agree. If you want to meet interesting people then do the things that interest you and have fun. Dating seems pre-ordained 'yes' permission for sex as if don't have a right to change your mind or feelings.
I believe that meeting people who have similar interests is a great idea. But Yoleen, girlfriend, the next time a man tells you flat out he isn't intetested, just keep on walking. No need to spend time with a guy who is looking for someone else.
Thanks, you guys. Ptosis - you haven't told your story yet.
SD - the man gave me considerable insight into the online dating scene, so in this case it was worth it. Normally, I would have kept walking.
If you believe the best way to meet someone is through mutual interest you might try Meetup.com. It's not a dating site but rather a hobby/interest site with a large variety of groups that meet once or twice a month. No doubt singles are there.
DS that's an idea - thanks! BTW, does anyone know the divorce rate for couples who meet online versus live?
Alas, Frank....there is a lot to be said about the "good ole days." I do think that if people can find a way to meet others in group settings, then it may be possible to glean some information about that person through observation--in person.;)
I like your analysis, Manjunath. I personally know of couples who met online and later married.
Nothing to apologize for, Matt. The thing that has bugged me about online dating is it's convenience. Something about mixing love with convenience really rubs me the wrong way. That being said, I do believe that online dating can be used properly...
Hello Keith....It turns out that one third of American marriages started out with an online date. That's a pretty decent (and surprising) figure. I wonder if someone will share a horror story. Might be an interesting way to learn something valuable.
Ouch! That hurts. Just know, Lena, that if someone says they're "in love" online, that's always a red flag. It's best not to talk for hours on end. Ironically, we still need our space, even online.
Right. There are lesser online sites for that, unfortunately.
I love that you are willing to ask a woman out in person. It's almost unheard of nowadays. Ha!. It's not easy to risk rejection, but asking in person most definitely helps in building upon our social skills. Thanks for dropping by, Tommy.
No way. Are you serious? What a psycho. She must have been a great actress for you to have spent so much time with her. Lol. Sorry to laugh, but that's one nightmare of a story. It's no wonder you avoid online dating like the plague.
How AWFUL!!! This is downright dangerous! Apparently, women aren't the only ones who need to be careful. A man from HI joined a church-based dating service; a woman in WA gave him a 1 way ticket to see her. She turned oit to be FAT; he was trapped!
I thought I could help. After only a few months it was total insanity. She then went on to make death threats to a female police officer and many other bizzare things. She hid the full truth for a while until it got dangerous.
Oh, Wow. Please forgive me for laughing, Oztinato. It wasn't funny and I didn't fully realize the woman was actually dangerous. At first, I thought you were half kidding, but obviously your experience was no joking matter. Thank you for sharing.
I can laugh now. At the time the police said they are busy with similar dating site disasters and scams. Their advice: don't go near the sites.
In my opinion the "success" stories are made up by the sites' shareholders.
The police said that? WHOA!
The man I told you about wound up stuck in the woman's house isolated in the mountains for 2 weeks. She had taken his cell phone. He had to walk several miles to the highway, then hitchhike to a pay phone to escape!
Say Yes....that is scary!! It sounds like something out of a horror movie. Think Kathy Bates in Misery. Yikes!
Say yes it does seem like what Savy said, Stephen King 's Misery
Research has shown that the only people who claim to have met online and are happy are shareholders of these sites. This has been proved by actual prosecutions.
Is that in Europe? In the U.S., nearly everyone is familiar with at least 1 couple who met online, married, and seem to be doing fine.
Do you have a link? I've not seen any research like that.
Check this out!
not everyone is like her
Why do I have the feeling that dating is not your forte, Ronnie? Seriously, you will do anything to talk about "the darkness of materialism." Anyone who dates you must find it exhausting. Relax. Buy her some flowers, even if it is "materialistic."
Yes, dating has never been my forte. I have never been comfortable with being manipulated, by man or nature. I'm not interested in being a sex object, a piggy bank, or a fair-weather friend. Anyone over the age of 40 should get over the hump.
Words of wisdom, Chris. I agree with your points wholeheartedly. Congratulations on finding a woman with common interests who also touches your heart.
I'll balance my previous remarks with this. I witnessed an acquaintance involved in an online scam and she was the scammer. She used her own photo, but presented it in a deceptive way. The man traveled cross country to meet her and was very unhappy.
Yes, my own brother actually did the same thing. The woman was nothing like her profile. That's so wrong if women to do that.
and men as well.
For sure. I only mentioned women because it is usually the man who will put out the money to fly across the country. Your average woman wouldn't spend that kind of money, but it happens.
haha, women do seem to be able to retain their intelligence and their bank accounts
in these matters.
I just had a thought. Since HubPages is starting up all these niche sites, maybe they could dedicate one to online dating of hubbers. Call it HubMate. Just kidding, of course.
Not a bad idea. You can tell a lot by people's interactions with one another on this site, not to mention...the subjects authors write about.;)
Yes, Tessa...I have found that men are generally not into communicating online for very long, although a few men here have stated they enjoy online communication. Men pretty much want sex regardless, but the plethora of prowlers online is astounding!
What a wonderfully positive answer, Deylight. Common sense is a must when dating. Period. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. And yes, it is all about following your gut. We have an inner warning system. It's wise not to ignore it.
That's true beaddve. The trick is having the patience to sift through all the bad before getting to the good.
Great answer, Tsmog. Online dating is definitely a learning experience that need not be all bad. One of the problems is that you run into so much of the same, and if you're not looking for "same" it is easy to become discouraged. Appreciate your info
It was for me a very positive experience. It opened my mind to looking at it from her shoes. When younger infatuation I think has greater impact. Back then there were not really many in areas local to me. Then I didn't have time as an advantage too.
That's the thing. It's hard to join a group when you work a lot of hours. You are a unique man in that you were willing to try seeing the woman's perspective. No doubt, this helped your level of communication quite a bit.
John, it is wonderful to hear a success story. Thank you for that. So true that we have to use common sense whether meeting online or not. Also, online dating doesn't have the stigma of "being desperate" that it once did. I'm glad your son found love
You gave up after 1 first date? Did u give up college after orientation? No, u struggled through useless & not so useless classes,classmates, and profs. Same with dating. You never have to do anything. 100. smile & wave to the next. good will
Well, I had only one date but I have already fallen for people but I never did went on dates with them. I understand what you are saying, and I keep putting myself out there just to fall on bad people or people who never share my feelings :/
Louisiana, Kudos to you for having high standards. I think that's great and very smart. I understand your giving up so quickly, to a certain extent. It's a shock to the system to run into so many disrespectful men. Hope love finds you in time.
I noticed on your profile you live in Roybiax, France. When I toured Europe, I found people there are much more social than in the US. You should join as many organizations as possible, and mix with EVERYONE, rather than 1 at a time. See what happens
Yoleen, You made an excellent point about falling into the trap of seeing one person at a time. If a company were looking to fill a position they'd evaluate/interview multiple candidates!
Their goal is to find "the right one" not the next one.
Louisiana, even at your young age, MeetUp, has some get togethers for French people. That may be a way for you to meet people in person who you can relate to.
Thanks all of you for your input and your advice. All of them have helped me to see things differently :)
Yoleen Lucas: I just recently started to live in France (6-7Mo) and I am indeed searching for different ways to meet people outside of school
Hi Paula...the thing about online dating is---it is the epitome of "kissing" (not literally) a lot of frogs & wondering if the pond has a prince or two. That's the most discouraging part, so I don't blame anyone for skipping the online scene. Lol
LOL savvy....I don't know many women who HAVEN'T had to go through a pond of frogs at one time before finding their Prince!! Even before the Internet!! LOL Now the nice thing about my age is I can spot a FROG before he even surfaces!! LOL
You and Suraj are on the same page on this one. I wouldn't say online dating is bad, but I do prefer meeting people through groups or friends. Thanks for stopping by, Kris.
Thanks for this useful information! I'm copying the link for future reference.
Aldous, I believe you are exactly right.
But if you have already met the person, that would not be online dating, Rudra.
I meant like if i have seen someone but never had the courage to talk face to face or like a one side lover the other person does not know i exist lol :p but in the other if u r asking about pure online dating then i dnt feel like it is safe
The paying sites take complaints seriously, so in that manner, they can separate the "wheat from the chaff." to an extent. I appreciate your point about "being honest with ourselves" if we decide to engage in online dating. Thanks, Timothy.
I met the love of my life on Tinder :) A free swiping app helped me find my life partner, but that wouldn't have happened if we weren't both completely open and honest about what we wanted.
I'm single Lolita.. The world moves fast today and people feel they know someone before they actually do.The typical way of getting to know someone before getting serious has fallen to fast paced instant gratification relationships.Not for me.
As my hipster son would say, "True that."
liz, I respect your position. It is true that a woman could encounter a predator on the online sites. But couldn't she encounter that same person at the library? Online she at least has a chance to scrutinize him and do a background check.
True. Without safety measures, we're asking for trouble. Unfortunately, some people find it all too easy to lie when hiding behind a computer screen.
It could be, Elena, but it usually isn't for most individuals. However, one must always use safety precautions when dating, in general.
Thank you for commenting, Sulabha. I truly appreciate hearing perspectives from those whose culture differs from my own. I am happy for you and your children for having met life partners in a manner which is acceptable for you and them as well.
A very wise answer, Julie. You covered it all, and I agree with what you have said here.
Several people writing in this Q&A have had immense success, while for others, it was a nightmare. Go figure.
I am glad you brought this up, Word55. We forget that we can meet "crazies" in person too, and that the opportunity to meet more undesirable people is greater online only because there are more available people online than offline---in one location.
This is completely true. Online dating combines two very troublesome things, which is the feeling of liberty it gives, and people with terrible personalities. You can find amazing people on dating sites, but you'll have to sift through trash first.
you are just talking. redrose65 you never meet him. Here talk is about meeting. I agree with you that just talking with a person on any site is not bad but i shall never share my personal information with such person as i can not trust too much.
your right Hamza ijaz he and I are just talking until he comes home in December hopefully then we will be meeting.
Hi redrose. Sounds like he is a military guy.,,, but you don't have to say. Just meet in a public place---only because you don't truly know him yet.
Yes he is savvydating . he's planning to come to where I work so we can met for the first time also so my coworkers can meet him
That sounds nice. Have fun, redrose.
How depressing, nessemily! Can't say I'm at all surprised by your sexy account findings, but the plain Jane results were truly alarming. My feeling is that meeting people in group settings is best for you. I'm sorry you had to experience all of that.
Yeah I think I will be from now on ive met afew diffrent types of people online and I can honestly say its not for me nobody wants to talk for more than afew days before they get bored and want to meet nobody has patience anymore ha
The important thing is that you are not allowing yourself to be rushed. I think that's great. One day you will meet someone. Have you thought of joining a group whose interests are similar to your own? That way, you can observe how a man interacts.
Ive tryed alot of dating sites and its all the same but ive kicked it to the curb for abit my patience with the same convo has worn thin haha
Understandable. Well, you've retained your sense of humor. That's the bright side!
Hi Leigh. If the person is willing to talk, you can definitely garner some information; however, observing a person's actions and interactions is even better. Thank you for commenting..
"Onlie dating"? Sounds like a Freudian slip! LOL!
That's sweet. Just know Yael, that instant attraction is instantaneous, but love develops over time. That being said, " love at first site" has happened. The trick is to take your time when dating. There's no rush when all is said and done.
I assume you mean that the dating site keeps the pictures, of closed accounts, still available for people to see.
No. I mean there are people in there who are joining just for the sole purpose of deceiving innocent members, get their info and hack them.
I see. Thank you for the clarification and the warning, Evane.
It's true Lee.. you can never really know. I'm sorry to hear of your loss!
Thank you for sharing your story so candidly. You just never know what life might throw at you. I am truly sorry you are having to go through this, Lee.
It's tough to realize you were blindsided by a narcissist but a relief to suddenly have better vision and to have escaped from the relationship with knowledge and self-esteem intact.
Blindsided is a good word for it, Lee. The good news is that you have not allowed him to destroy your self esteem, and that you have become even stronger. Nevertheless, betrayal hurts. It hurts a lot.
There's no doubt that it can happen. It's encouraging to hear the success stories, paugom.
There is something to meeting in groups or having had the opportunity to observe someone from a distance. Interesting perspective, hamza.
savvydating you can visit each and every part as a tourist and learn about different people and their behaviour. Dating is not only way to understand anyone. You can find nice persons around you for dating :P
Matthew, being a better parent is the most rewarding thing you will ever do. Maybe the time isn't right for you to find love, but true love exists. The trick is in choosing well by taking note of red flags in the beginning & by valuing true chara
I totally understand how he is feeling and I'm only 28, and on my second relationship, first one lasted 6 years and this one is on the 3rd yr and not counting...will never do online dating though...
You never know Melange. If at age 48, you find yourself suddenly alone, you might consider it. At any rate, my wish is that Matthew finds a good mate one day, and that the person you are now dating treats you well. ;)
Aw, than you love. Same to you.
You have a point, rexy. For example, when children & parents first began using email, they actually found they could open up and connect better than they had before. You've brought something relevant, I believe.
l find that say if someone is talented in their work say like art etc... and people around the World view them you might get one person who might start following you around and that also sparks of a relationship, connection and marriages..
That can definitely happen in your local MeetUp. Not so sure about around the world, but who knows?
To some extent, I agree to you. Text messages can be flattering, but in a lot of cases, it's deceiving. Though, I have heard about many such relationships that end up into marriages also. That's pretty cute, I guess!
That's understandable, Kayla. I think it's great that you enjoy being single. There's no rush...
I appreciate your input, Rogers. I am glad your experience has been positive.
Did you meet him right away or was he a long time coming? Either way, I am very happy for you!
After one year of chatting and getting to know each other, we got the opportunity of meeting and life for us was never the same.
Once again give on line dating a chance.
It is unusual for a man to chat for a year. Most are in a hurry to meet in person. Some even get angry, saying they didn't sign up to be pen pals. Anyway, your guy sounds like a real keeper.
My sentiments exactly. My nightmare online "date" fantasised about castrating males and turned out to be a litiginous psychotic undiagnosed schizophrenic
Unfortunately, it is very easy to lie online---and many people do lie. A safety precaution is to do a background check on a potential date once you find out their last name. This can be done whether you meet online or offline.
Beauty is as beauty does. ;)
Excellent point, Michael, about moral values. Without them, communication is not gratifying or truly meaningful in any way.
I've tried it. It was just okay...I could take it or leave it. I do agree that one must be very cautious indeed. You are correct about that, Sarah! Thanks for commenting.