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Again With The Darkness

Updated on May 8, 2011

Worries and Regrets

I'm not sure where I'm going with this one.. Just broke up with my girlfriend and feeling kinda down and out of it. Makes you take a step back you know? It's like now what am I gonna do with myself in a town where there's nothing to do. I feel like I'm drowning right now. I gotta do everything right, I cant mess up or I'm screwed. I left my self one route to achieving my goals and dreams. If I fail with my writing then I fear what will happen to me. 

I don't have a reason to stay in this godforsaken place anymore at least, that's good news I guess I can just move on with myself  now. Go back to California, live with my friends and try and forget this past year I've spent in this place. I met some people here that are good people. A lot like me in a way. True friends that helped me through this dark period of my life when they had no reason or obligation to do so and I thank them for it. I feel bad that I'm just gonna pick up and leave increasing the chances of never seeing either of them again. Who knows what the future holds for me, I sure as hell don't know, but I do know one thing. I belong back where I grew up back with the people I know and love and who know and love me back. 

I still have work to be done there, promises to keep I just hope things wont be to different. I hope the time a part hasn't been to long that we can't pick up where we left off. Who knows, Life's all up in the air for me, I plan on living in the present for awhile, going day by day and hoping something good comes out of it. Hell I'm only 17, I still got time to become the person I want to be in life. I bet I'll look back on this night 20 years from now and laugh at myself for being so worried, or getting worked up over the loss of a girl I barely knew anyways. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see and for the brief couple of weeks we dated she gave me that, she gave me a glimpse at the guy I know I can be again. Thanks.

The Story Goes On

I'm not dead yet right? I can't let every little thing thats bad in my life eat at me anymore. It's not healthy. I guess I'm just scared, scared that everyone in my life who tells me I can't do what I want with my life, or be who I want to be are gonna be right. I can't let that happen I don't want my parents to think of me as a failure anymore. God I just want them to be proud of their son, I want them too be able to see that I can handle myself, that I can make it in this world and be somebody.

It feels like I'm taking five steps forward and ten steps back, I don't have any priorities anymore I can't even hold a relationship together for longer than a month. What's wrong with me? I try to make everyone around me happy just so they'll just stick around. I hate being alone, I hate having no one to have my back when shit goes south. I miss my brothers, I even miss her sometimes I just want this all to be a bad dream I'm having that one day I'm gonna wake up from and be surround by the people I love. If only that was possible, the show goes on, looks like for now I walk these streets alone till I wind up back where I belong.

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    • ConspireToInspire profile image

      ConspireToInspire 7 years ago

      Did it change? Or, something more likely, did your perspective change? Is life a constant, or is your perspective the constant. Which one changes which, when? Truly all we can do is wait. Wait for that wonderful girl. Wait for that next paycheck. We can wait for that next cigarette. We will wait for that next high, the next blue sky. Hell, in the end, we are truly waiting to die.

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